Today, I’m going to be talking about flirting in your marriage. More specifically, how I flirt in my marriage. So if that interests you and you want some suggestions, keep on reading.
Now, this actually came up as a topic in the Facebook group associated with 30 Days to Wanting it More and I thought it was such a great question that I would make a whole post about it. Whether this person wanted me to do that or not, I don’t know… but why not?
Psychology Today says, “Flirting is a time-honoured way of signalling interest and attraction, to say nothing of mutual awareness. It’s a kind of silent language spoken by men and women around the world. The ways people communicate interest are so deeply rooted in human nature that the signals are automatically understood by all. Flirting is part of the behavioural repertoire we come equipped with to meet nature’s most basic command – find a good mate and multiply.” (teehee).
So flirting is actually meant for a specific time in your relationship; and I think what I’m uncomfortable with when it comes to flirting is that it’s almost like saying that having a mature relationship – being in that steady, consistent marriage – is kind of boring, and that we should always get back to the “good old days” when things were exciting and new and all those romantic hormones were rushing through our bodies. Just because you’re now fully committed, doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to say to your partner, “I choose you.”
I would like a new term to describe that kind of thing in a mature relationship, but I don’t have one. So I’m going to continue to use the word “flirting”, but just know that it’s a much different thing from when you were in that romantic phase and it was all about attraction: the little looks, the eye contact, the way you cross your legs towards that person (I mean there’s whole books written about the art of flirting). And in a mature marriage – maybe you’re 2, 7 or 20 years into it – it’s about saying every day to your partner, “I choose you, I see you and I’m not taking you for granted. Furthermore, I see you as a person that’s separate from me as an individual out in the world, and I see that maybe other people are attracted to you or that other people admire you and I am going to admire you too.” So with that said, let’s move on to what I do in my marriage because rather than giving you all these “to-do’s” and three-step processes, I’d like to just share what I do because it’s more fun that way.
The number one rule of flirting I think in a marriage, is that everyone gets what they feel comfortable with. So for example, I don’t really like comments about my body. I don’t really like being called sexy or even beautiful… it makes me feel uncomfortable, and like I’m being objectified, which I’m very sensitive to because of the culture we live in. My husband, on the other hand, doesn’t mind those things. Actually, he really enjoys them. So I think it’s really, really important that whether you’re giving or receiving, that you’re comfortable with both. You’re comfortable with the giving part and you’re comfortable with the receiving part.
What he does on the flip side, is pretend that he doesn’t care, so that kind of creates more tension so that I can feel like I’m chasing him. That’s just the dynamic we need in our relationship for me to feel comfortable and to do that more, and he wants me to do that more, so it kind of becomes a game. I’ll say something like, “Oh. Your butt looks great in those pants.” And then he’ll just kind of be really silent or look away and it’s just really, really fun. So we do that pretty much on a daily basis.
I also really enjoy it when he comments on certain things about my appearance. For example, sometimes he’ll say, “Oh. I really love your makeup today.” And there’s something about that where he’s basically saying, “I really see your effort and I don’t see it as too girly or too frivolous. I actually really enjoy it. Thanks for …” I don’t know, “… taking a moment.” I really like it when he says that and I feel like he is saying, “I choose you, I see you and I’m attracted to you.” I also like when he comments on my clothes. “Oh. Those pants look great on you.” Or he commented the other day, “Oh. That shirt is really cute.” There’s a shirt I have that he refers to as my “farmer’s shirt”, because it’s plaid, and I think that’s just really adorable.
Anyway, we need a new name. And what can we call it that kind of encapsulates saying, “I choose you, I want you and I see you in the world.”? If you have a good idea, let me know, send me an email, and I’ll talk to you guys later.