You’re Angry About Sex. I Get It.

Today’s post is going to be a little bit of a break from the norm, and I’m feeling a little nervous about it, because I don’t know how this is going to go. Basically, what I’m doing is responding to a comment on one of my Facebook ads that I think needs a lot of attention, and seeing as it got over 160 likes, I think this is a message that is resonating with women, and I really need to address it.


I usually address it within my program, but outside of it, I don’t really talk about it much. So what we’re really going to do today is acknowledge the bigger issues that surround women’s sexuality and instead of just trying to “fix women” – which I have been rightly accused of – let’s just acknowledge the bigger issues, and let’s get angry together, because I am pissed most of the time when I read things or look at things. Even after coaching sessions, where I just feel… I don’t know. Hurt, or sadness, or sorrow… that women are going through this, not because I think men are bad. I just think that women are really suffering in this department.

Why Is Everything MY Job?

Here’s what I think the bigger issues are: women feel that it’s not fair that they have to take care of their husbands. “Why can’t they search out programs like the one I offer? Why can’t they read the books? Why do I have to be responsible for his feelings? Why can he have a rage or a tantrum, and I have to go pick up the pieces? Why am I the one responsible for the emotional well-being of our relationship?” It’s totally unfair, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it, but you do. You do pick up most of the emotional burden of your relationship.

The marriage coach in me is screaming to tell you the reason why, and to rile you and to encourage, but today I am promising myself and I am promising you that I am just going to listen and I’m just going to validate and I’m just going to say… yes. You have all the right to be angry about that. We live in a culture that depicts men as basically other children in your lives that you have to take care of. Think of the Berenstein Bears, for example. There’s Papa Bear, always on his couch, and the wife is running around cleaning up after him.

…okay. I just have to say one thing, and then I won’t say anything more. Men are affected by our culture too. They are cut off emotionally around age four, studies show. They just aren’t given the skills to connect relationally with other people. So I think it’s not fair for anybody. I think our culture is so messed up in so many areas, and it shows up for the most part in your sexual relationship.

Women are also getting blamed a lot of the time, and I don’t think this is necessarily anybody’s choice. I think it’s just kind of happening, because a lot of men just don’t have those skills. So they don’t know what to do. They don’t know where to turn, and the wives, unfortunately, because of years and years of oppression, female challenges we have, not just in our own lives, but in the generations we’ve come from, it’s just in our history… we just want to take care of people, and we don’t want to be abandoned. So it creates such a really challenging dynamic in the relationship.

What About Me?

Also, another thing I hear women say is that it’s not fair that they have to get everything done around the house. “He’s not helping me. He’s not supporting me. He’s not even talking to me, and then he is requiring sex.” So it can be really uncomfortable, and frustrating, and challenging to feel that… “Wait a minute. My needs aren’t being met, so why do I have to meet my husband’s needs?”

Furthermore, they’re feeling burnt out, stressed out, overwhelmed. Most of the housework is on their shoulders. Of course, this is generalizations here. I know that there are so many different dynamics and different patterns in relationships, but for the most part, I just want to acknowledge that a lot of times, it’s not fair. I am always stunned by the fact that we went through the feminist revolution, and I think yes, it did do us some service in some areas, but it did us some disservice in other areas, where now women are not only supposed to have amazing careers and be incredibly successful and prove to men that they can do it and prove to the world… but they also have to keep a great home and organic meals. Yes, so much of this is unfair.

Enough Is Enough

Lastly, it’s not only unfair, but it’s outrageous. It’s phenomenally insane that women’s bodies aren’t their own. That the media takes women’s bodies to sell things, to entice people. Acts of aggression towards women, especially in the sexual experience, are commonplace. There are extremely high rates of pornography, which are objectifying and degrading and horrible to women. So I think women have every right to feel frustrated and angry and pissed. Every. Right.

There are huge issues at play here. This isn’t just a matter of, “fix yourself”, or “buck up and force yourself to have sex with your husband because it’s good for your marriage”. This isn’t at all what I’m saying, or what I think is going to be helpful at all.

I know this has been a rambling post, and of course I feel like when we can take this anger and frustration and turn it into positive action, amazing things can happen, but my lips are sealed. I’m not going to talk about that today. Today is just about validation, listening, and hearing you. I feel it. I’m right there with you.

It sucks. And it’s not fair. And I’m sorry.

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