I hear from women all the time and this is what they tell me, "Janna, I want to want sex, but I really just also don't want to want sex." I think that's something that women have a hard time articulating. I kind of want it, but I also don't want it for a variety of reasons. We're going to go into those reasons so you feel normal. We're also going to talk about why would you even want to want sex with your husband.
The reasons why you kind of don't want sex
My name is Janna Denton-Howes and I am a sex and intimacy coach for married women. I didn't want to have sex for a very long time in my marriage and I said I wanted to want it, but I also kind of didn't want to want it at the same time, so I get you. I'm here for you. I'm here to support you. I have helped hundreds of women and I get it. I get it. Here are the four main reasons why I believe that women kind of don't want to want sex.
Number one, this isn't part of my identity. I'm a good girl. I'm not somebody who is sex crazy. I'm not a nymphomaniac. I am not a slut or a skank or any kind of word that you want to use. All of those things that we were told. Women who want and enjoy sex a lot are kind of in this category and it's not the category that you want to be in.
Number two, I have more other important things to do with my time, thank you very much. Like things I want to do with my life. Maybe a hobby or schooling or your work. Cleaning out the pantry.
Number three, it'll be exhausting having sex all the time. It's already on my to-do list and it feels like a chore and now I'm going to do it more? Why would I want to do that?
And then lastly, my husband will then expect to have sex with me more and so by wanting it more then I am setting up this precedence that we're going to have sex more. Why would I want to increase the pressure on myself and the expectation? No thanks.It kind of makes sense if you're saying I want to want it. I want to have the same libido as my husband. I want to stop fighting about sex. I want to increase my desire. But at the same time I kind of don't because of all of these things. I just want you to take a deep breath. I'll do it with you because breathing is really good. Think to yourself, why would I want to have sex in the first place? Why? Because so many women believe that it's just for their husbands, that it's kind of a need that you're providing for somebody else, which if you've been in my world for any length of time is something that I don't encourage you to believe anymore.
You feel like you have to be someone else
I also think that a lot of women see themselves having to change. If I'm now going to be somebody who wants sex more, that doesn't really include who I am right now. I have to become this sexy goddess of a woman and that's not something that I identify with. Here's what I would love you to take on. You don't have to change anything about yourself in order to want and enjoy sex more with your husband. Actually, what you're going to be doing is just becoming more of who you are and learning how to take responsibility for your needs and also voice those needs and become more assertive. What if you could stay exactly who you are right now and be exactly yourself and just simply have another self-care practice available to you? Yoga is a self-care practice. Sitting in the sunshine is a self-care practice. Going for a walk by the ocean is a self-care practice. Meditating is a self-care practice. Having a bath is a self-care practice. Having sex with my husband is a self-care practice.
What if instead of more pressure on you, now you felt less pressure on you? Because right now you're thinking about providing a need for somebody else, whereas if you genuinely want sex more with your husband you are now providing yourself space to just be who you are and have the needs that you have, which might include talking a lot more or taking things away slower or being more lighthearted or having more humor involved. It's my favorite. What if instead of expectation increasing for you to be hot and ready all the time, what if the expectations were taken away completely?
All of these things that I'm telling you are things that women experience after learning my methodology, which you can learn too. I'm going to tell you how you're going to be able to do that at the end of this blog.
What if instead of dreading sex, you actually thought of it really fondly and even missed it if it didn't happen?
That's what happens to me now. People think after learning how to want sex again I'm just going to be horny all the time and I'm going to want to jump my husband in every moment. No, you're still you. You haven't changed that dramatically, but now you think of it finally and you miss it if it doesn't happen. When you think of having sex, you conjure up joyful, nourishing and connecting feelings rather than that guilt and tension and resentment that you might be feeling right now.
What if you get to see benefits that you've never seen before? Because if you're trying to have sex in a way that suits one person in your relationship, which is perhaps your husband and I would even beg to argue that it's not even really satisfying your husband right now because having sex with a woman who's not fully in her pleasure is just not fulfilling, that's not your fault. That's not something for you to feel guilty about. That's just a fact.
What if you could see benefits that you've never had before? When I genuinely learned how to want and enjoy sex with my husband, I started to see incredible benefits, including increased productivity, and increased creativity. How do you think I do all this stuff? There's a lot of content to create. I need to have some sources somewhere and sex is one of those sources that I draw from. More assertiveness and more boundaries in your life come from enjoying sex.
It’s time to get out of the box
You might be thinking, if I want sex more, then I'm going to be in almost a narrower box. A pressure or an expectation of being somebody that I'm not and I don't want to be feeling exhausted all the time because I just have to have sex all the time. But what I'm trying to share with you is that, instead of being in a smaller, narrower box, you're going to now be in no box at all. None. You're going to genuinely learn what you need as an individual woman to have sex be something that is nourishing, relaxing, joyful, connected, easy and simple. So, so simple.
If this sounds like something that you're interested in and you are allowed to still think, okay, I want to want it, but I also kind of don't. You're still allowed to think that. I'm not going to try to change your mind. You get to come into my world and with all your stuff, all of your luggage, and I'm going to accept you and I'm going to love you and I'm going to think you're amazing. If you're like, "Yes, I'd like to learn a little bit more", than I would encourage you to come to my free class. It's called The Real Reason for a Lack of Desire and the Six Step Solution to Reconnecting Again. In that class, I teach you the six steps that I took to go from really not wanting it but sometimes enjoying it. You know what it's like. You get into the situation and you're like, "Oh, right, this isn't too bad”, but it wasn't always very satisfying and fulfilling for me, to now where I genuinely see sex as something that is of benefit to me. That is relaxing and nourishing and full of peace and calm and connection and love and yes, even spirituality, it's possible.
Come to that class. We're going to be holding it soon. It'll be live. I'm going to stick around to the end and answer all of your questions. I'll be telling you about the Wanting It More program, which is the place to go if you want to learn how to want and enjoy sex with your husband in a way that doesn't take away from your life in any sense of the word, but adds to it and supports all of your other ambitions and joys in your life. So come to the class and I will see you there. Have a great day and let me know if you have any questions because I'm here to answer them all.
I'll talk to you later