Being an empowered woman in the bedroom…
What did you think of just now reading those words?
What are the images that pop up into your mind?
When I tell someone that I am a sex coach, they'll often imagine that I'm having these wild and crazy experiences with my husband or maybe someone else. They’ll envision that I have a box of goodies including handcuffs, whips and chains. Then they’ll look at me and think I look pretty wholesome and feel a bit confused. Culture has made it so we have certain thoughts about what sexually empowered should look like.
Here are three things that being sexually empowered doesn't mean.
Being empowered in the bedroom does not mean that you like all the touching, that you're suddenly sprawled out naked on the bed saying, "Go for it. It's all fine because I'm empowered."
Being empowered in the bedroom does not mean that you like all forms of sexual expression. This is can be any of the following:
- the language you use when you're together
- role playing
- oral sex
- using toys.
None of these things are necessarily bad but when we connect them with being empowered in the bedroom it's actually incredibly disempowering.
And lastly, being empowered in the bedroom does not mean that you are okay with your husband doing anything or saying anything. You do not have to be fine with your husband calling you sexy, asking for things you don't want or this idea that in your intimate time you need to be a wild, crazy, and loving lingerie kind of person.
Have you felt all this before?
Pause for a moment and think if you have been (and maybe still are) stuck in this mindset. This isn’t your fault. The cultural message is so strong. It's what leads women to say to me, "What's wrong with me that I don't like being called sexy. What's wrong with me that I don't want oral sex? What's wrong with ME?" Unfortunately we equate that to not being courageous, not being empowered, not being a fierce feminist. It's wild to me.
What being empowered in the bedroom DOES actually mean:
Being empowered in the bedroom does mean that you are using your voice. Which means that you are saying a firm no when you do not like something. It also means saying yes when you DO like something.
Being empowered in the bedroom does mean being uncompromising with your needs. You need what you need. Period, that's it. You need no pressure and you need to feel safe 100% of the time.
And lastly, being empowered in the bedroom does mean putting your pleasure first. As women, we are taught to be givers. In fact, we're taught so much to be givers that it's killing a lot of us through exhaustion, cancer, illness, autoimmune diseases. Put your pleasure first. When you put your pleasure first in the sexual experience, everybody wins, everybody has a good time.
I hope that was a good check in for you so that the next time you're thinking about improving your sex life you know what the actual meaning of empowered in the bedroom truly is. I won’t lead you down the path of someone who loves lingerie, or whips and chains, or can lay there naked and have her husband do whatever he wants to her. That is not the path I'm leading you towards. I'm leading you towards actually listening to and trusting yourself, giving yourself permission, setting boundaries, and using your voice. That's what it means to be a sexually empowered woman.
I am in your corner,
Here’s some related content you might find helpful:
If It's a Maybe, It's a No
Wanting and Enjoying Sex Should Come Naturally (And Other Lies We're Told)