Your desire fix:
Create Clear Boundaries!
Why this desire fix is right for you!
It's incredibly hard to feel any sort of desire when you are experiencing pressure from your husband.
Even if you LOVED sex or physical touch, always being asked, nagged, or guilted is enough to shut your libido down.
But, let's be clear here: I don't think your husband is a jerk or is even doing this on purpose.
Men have been taught through our culture that the way to get a women in bed is to push, convince or even pressure her (ever listen to that song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?
So if it's not necessarily his fault and it's not your fault (FYI, it's not)... then whose is it?
THE SILLY MEDIA.
Now that we have the blame firmly on the right source, what are you supposed to do with all this pressure from your husband to have sex?
You guessed it: by creating clear boundaries.
This may be one of the most difficult Desire Fixes because it's hits at the heart of most women's deepest fear, abandonment: "If I create this clear boundary.... then my husband will be disappointed... then he will distance himself from me... then I will feel alone (or worse)."
So give yourself some grace and compassion as you move forward with this Desire Fix.
3 practical ways to implement this desire fix:
1. One Clear Request
Take a few mins to make a list of the things your husband does or says that makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured. Then choose one to focus on (for now).
Now shift your attention to what you would like for him to do instead. For example: "Instead of slapping my butt in the kitchen, I'd like him to say hi and ask me how I'm doing" or "Instead of staring at me while I get undressed, I'd like him to look at me in the eyes and pretend that I'm not naked!".
Next step is to make a clear, short request (with no back story or reasons why): "My darling husband, instead of slapping my butt, I'd love for you to say hi and ask me about my day".
Rinse and repeat (you will probably have to repeat this many times before what he has been taught by the media is overwritten by your words.)
As a side note: if porn is in the picture for him, it will make this step incredibly hard because of the way it's altered his brain. A frank question, "Do you watch porn?" and another clear request, "Please quit porn" might be helpful if he has troubles implementing your initial request.
2. "Yes, Maybe, No" List
Set aside 30 mins to write down the things that are a "yes", a "maybe" or a "no" in the sexual experience. Then put everything in the "maybe" column to the "no" column and adopt the mantra, "If it's a maybe, it's a no!" (us women push ourselves waaaaaay too much).
Make sure to include everything that is a "yes" even if it doesn't feel "sexual" enough. For example: feeling his muscles, holding his hand, having a back massage, smelling his neck, rubbing his hair, feeling the weight of his body or talking!
Now stay FIRM about this and only do things with your husband in the "yes" category.
3. Schedule Sex
One of the most challenging things for men is not knowing when they will have sex next. Because it's linked to how important they feel to you, he is craving that feeling all the time.
The best way to get around this is for him to know when you'll have sex AND for you to relax knowing that unless it's scheduled, it's not happening.
That way you can enjoy some lovely cuddling on the couch without worrying about it having to "go anywhere".
Who am I to tell you this stuff?
When it comes to not "wanting it". I understand it all.
For the first 14 years of my marriage, I would have way rather cleaned the toilet than hop into bed with my husband! Sure, once my engine was revved up a bit, it was okay(ish), but getting there took a serious effort.
We fought about sex all the time and I was DONE feeling used, pressured and like I was the one with the problem.
After years of unsuccessfully trying to find the solution to this frustrating (and lonely) challenge, I eventually trained to be a Marriage Coach and buckled down to develop my own methodology to solve this issue.
And what I discovered not only completely fixed the desire mismatch in my marriage but now has helped hundreds of other women and couples do the same.
Let's hang out!
here's where you can find me...