I want to speak from the heart, and just simply share the message that you are not too much. You are not too introverted or extroverted. You are not too needy or enthusiastic or quiet or uptight or easygoing or anything like that. You are who you need to be in your relationship, and I want you to stop trying or wanting to be like your partner. The only way that you’re going to build intimacy connection is to fully accept and embrace everything that you are.
I want to share a little about my journey when it comes to this. I used to be really upset at who I was and how I was created. I would really ignore the needs that I had in my relationship, and I made everyone around me pretty miserable because I was doing that. I would look up to my husband and think, he’s so easygoing. He can just throw together a camping trip at the last minute with no packing list or check boxes. He can have people over when the house is messy or the kitchen is dirty and we don’t know what we’re going to cook for dinner. He is perfectly extroverted and introverted. He enjoys being around people. He doesn’t need time off. Everything that I disliked about myself was in comparison to what he was.
I hear that all the time from the couples I work with. So I tell them, it wasn’t until I fully embraced who I was and how I was created and the needs I have, that I became a much happier person to be around, and furthermore, my husband started to see how my qualities really tremendously benefit our relationship.
Sometimes that means that you need to look outside of your marriage for getting those needs met. Maybe your husband isn’t the talking type, but you really have that need for conversation. Go find people who can help you with that need for conversation! I just really want to encourage you to see whoever you are; whatever unique, wonderful things that maybe annoy you about who you are, and realize that those things are essential in your relationship. They are your superpowers. So do whatever you need to do in order to make sure that those superpowers are being used in your relationship… and actually, not just your relationship. I mean, the whole world needs you, just as you are.
But I have seen this benefit my relationship in so many ways. I bring budgeting to our relationship. I bring a sense of beauty – I like to beautify my environment. I bring schedules, which benefit my children, being really clear with bedtimes and expectations. I bring a lot of stuff that I didn’t initially value at all. And therefore, again, my husband had a hard time valuing it. And it’s great that he can complement me and his easygoing, throwing together camping trip at the last minute kind of personality. And you know what I’ve figured out? I don’t like the packing, and he does. So I meet them at the camping site later on, without all the packing and unpacking (haha), and it works really well!
I really would encourage you for the rest of the day, whenever you’re reading this, just to try and see in what ways you can really give yourself what you need. See it as a benefit to your marriage and a benefit to your community, and a benefit to the whole wide world in general.
I love you lots, and I will talk to you next week!