“Do you want to try anal sex?”
My body felt weird.
Inside, my heart was screaming NO but what came out was “maybe”.
Have you ever felt at some point in your married life, “Why don’t I want sex like ever? Why does it feel unnatural, not spontaneous and definitely not hot and exciting like in the movies? What is wrong with me?
Why would you want to fix your low libido?
This is a question that I pondered many times in the journey to increase my desire. On the one hand, I was eager to want sex more and, on the other, I was resentful towards my husband for not having to carry the weight of being "the broken one".
So if you are 50% wanting to fix your low libido and 50% just never wanting to have sex again for the rest of your life... that's okay!
But I really don't want you to miss out.
Today we're going to be talking about how do you talk to your husband about sex without hurting his feelings. I get that question asked a lot. In fact, I have seen so many women come through the Wanting it More program having never really talked to their husband about how they're truly feeling. Some women have been forcing themselves to have sex like three times a week and when they come into the Wanting it More program, they're like, "Uh, surprise. I've never really wanted it and I've never really enjoyed it," and it's a big shocker. Especially if you've been married for a really long time.
Today, I'm going to be sharing something I'm really excited about because we are often told that increasing our libido, wanting sex more, however you want to say it, is difficult. We're not told that explicitly, but we're told that in so many subtle, small ways in the fact that there's no simple guidance and everyone has conflicting ideas about how this works.
You have some people saying that it's like a mental thing. Some people say that it's a physical thing. Some people say that you need to just take your stress away. All of these things feel really challenging and hard to do, like we have to live a different life in order for this to work.
I think deep down, this is how I felt, and I'm curious if you felt this way, too. “There's something wrong with me that just can't be fixed, and I'm the only one experiencing this. Why is it happening? Because I love my husband, and this doesn't seem to be happening with anybody else that I know.”
Or maybe it is, and you are having conversations with your friends, but there's no solutions. It's just more of commiserating or you're finding out from other people that they just kind of grin and endure it. And that's definitely not something that I want you to be doing. I don't want you to be experiencing these challenges anymore.
The Myth of the Missionary Position. I'm so excited for this blog because it drives me crazy that when people think of sex, they think of the missionary position-which is horrible for women in so many ways. And it's definitely something that I held on a pedestal as the ultimate pure way to have sex and that the whole world should be doing it. And that one day it was going to feel good for me and then I was going to be validated and normal like everything I saw on TV.
While it might be a good position for lights, camera, action and for thinking about sex in its pure form (which is that kind of sex that is not good for the woman)... It's just not good for anybody. So the myth of the missionary position is that it feels good for women.
Today I want to talk about something that I am familiar with, and that is the effect that depression has on the bedroom, with your husband, having sex. And I'm talking about that because I am Janna Denton-Howes and I am a sex and intimacy coach for married women, so I have a little qualification when it comes to talking about intimacy and longterm relationships.
I have never experienced clinical depression, I want to make that really clear, because I hate it when people throw around the terms, "I'm just a little depressed." Well, really? Probably for someone with clinical depression, they're like, "You're feeling low." And so I've experienced feeling low, just as much as I've experienced anxiety before. And the main effect that I see on the sexual experience is not wanting to have it at all. And I don't know if that's because our culture has really put this strange idea into everyone's heads that to enjoy the sexual experience you need to be in the mood. You need to be all hot and bothered and feeling sexy and all these ridiculous things that we're told that are so unhelpful for having an intimacy heartbeat in your relationship. There is so much expectation.
I used to struggle with anxiety a lot. It started when I was maybe about nine years old. I was living in China at the time, my parents were teaching English and I noticed that I had a little black spot on my tooth and in my little, child brain, I knew that we would have to go back to Canada to get it fixed because we were in a pretty rural area of China and we didn't speak Chinese and it was a whole thing. So I didn't tell my parents and I ended up losing a ton of hair from the stress of it. Isn't that crazy? So when I talk about anxiety, I know what I'm talking about. And not only have I struggled with anxiety just in everyday life, but also I had a ton of worries around the sexual experience before. Now I don't.
So I want to tell you the things that I have learnt around overcoming anxiety and making sure that I can still enjoy sex well.
I don't have chronic pain, but my husband does. So maybe I have a little credibility when it comes to talking about this topic. I also counselled my very good friend who deals with chronic pain in her life as well. I say that because I never really like talking about topics in which I do not have firsthand experience, but I know a lot of the people that I supported in the Wanting It More program, have chronic pain. So I have experience supporting them, I do have some knowledge and so I'd really like to help you.
If you or your partner experiences chronic pain in your life or their life, then this is the blog for you because yes, you can enjoy sex just like everybody else. And you know this already, right? So there's my disclaimer.
Today, I want to talk to you about how to enjoy sex as a highly sensitive person. If you don't know what a highly sensitive person is then you're in for a treat, because finding out that I was one was a life changing experience. I thought I had a generalized anxiety disorder but it turns out that I was a highly sensitive person and just really overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot of the time.
Hello my friends. Today, I want to talk to you about something really fun and important, and that is how to have an orgasm with your husband. Because a lot of women can orgasm on their own, but then when they add another person into the mix, it just doesn't work. And for so many reasons.
So before I get into those, my name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex and intimacy coach for women married to men, and I am so excited to be here with you and to talk about something that I just find delightful to talk about. It's fun. I mean, I have the best job in the world basically. I get to talk about something that's really taboo and no one talks to even their best friends about. So welcome, welcome to my world. And now you're like my best friend, basically, because you're reading this blog and I'm thinking about you right now.
Let's talk about pleasure. Yes, I'm talking about sexual pleasure but I also often will talk about everyday pleasure. But today I'm talking about sexual pleasure. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I'm a sex coach for married women and I want to talk about pleasure, but more specifically orgasm. Because orgasm, the ability to orgasm, the right education to learn how to orgasm, talking to other women about orgasms, all of these things are really important because there are huge numbers of women who are faking orgasms, who are not enjoying the orgasms they're having and they are not having orgasms. It's an issue and I've mentioned in other blogs that I haven't really focused on them because orgasms can also become hijacked from women and become ways that men feel good about themselves and that's not the purpose of them.
Today we're going to be talking about orgasms. So, get ready for it. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex coach for married women. I specialize in helping married women want and enjoy sex more with their husbands. And there are some women out there who have never had an orgasm, and maybe have been married for a very long time and still haven't had an orgasm. Why is this happening? Why is there such a huge orgasm gap between men and women? Because a lot of men are doing just fine in this department. Here's the reason why I think this is happening. It's not because their bodies don't work. It's not because their bodies don't work. It's not because their bodies don't work. It's because of shame.
Shall we talk about orgasms, perhaps? I haven't really spoken a lot about this topic on my blog, because I am conflicted. And so today I want to talk to you about why I'm conflicted. And then I really do want to talk about what an orgasm feels like. Because for me, when I wasn't able to have one, I was very curious. Did I have one? Was that something that everyone talks about? How do I...? All sorts of questions about it, but I think the most interesting one is, “What does it feel like?”
I'm doing it. I am going to be open today in this blog. So if you do not want to know about my sex life, this is not the blog for you to read. I often think about coaches that help people with their home organization or parenting or interior decorating. These people get to show step by step behind the scenes. Take business coaches for example. They get to show all the things to all the people. And I can't do that. I can't bring you into my bedroom and be like, "And this is how you do it, ladies."
I hear from women all the time and this is what they tell me, "Janna, I want to want sex, but I really just also don't want to want sex." I think that's something that women have a hard time articulating. I kind of want it, but I also don't want it for a variety of reasons. We're going to go into those reasons so you feel normal. We're also going to talk about why would you even want to want sex with your husband.
You want to talk about sex? Maybe you want to talk about sex, maybe you don't, because sometimes talking about sex can be really uncomfortable. That's what we're going to talk about today: sex, working on your sex life, reading things about sex, investigating, researching, all of it. Following my stuff can often feel so uncomfortable. Believe it or not, I still experience discomfort when it comes to talking about sex.
Hi, my name is Janna Denton-Howes and I am a sex and intimacy coach for married women. I was asked an excellent question just the other day and I want to respond to it because I think a lot of women are experiencing the same question. So here's what it was. “Why is low sexual desire in women a women's job to fix? This is made to be a woman's problem. It's unfair because men don't have to address it. There is nothing that they need to do. And furthermore, I'm resentful that amongst all the other things, housework and groceries and kids and all of the things, this is one more thing that I have to think about. Why isn't there a class called how to seduce your wife? Do I have to do everything including seduce myself?”
I am so excited to come to you guys today and talk about something that I feel really, really passionate about. There are so many thoughts that can come up when you're thinking about improving your sex life, but before I go into one of the most common ones I hear, let me tell you who I am. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex coach for married women, and I am incredibly passionate about helping all females everywhere be able to have sex that they truly enjoy and look forward to. Because my experience for so many years in my marriage was feeling a lot of guilt and resentment. I felt broken. I felt like I had to fix myself. And I couldn't find any advice other than just do it, which didn't work for me. So, I want to spread the message that it is possible and I am proof that it is. And also the hundreds and hundreds of women that I have supported through the years.
I have come to a really clear understanding about how I want to serve my community and this is what I want to talk about today. I was on a business coaching call about a week ago and we were talking about our purpose and who we're helping. It made me realize that I have been hiding a little bit. Well it's not that I've been hiding, I don't see it as a negative thing. I just see it as a natural progression that I needed to go through.
I trained as a marriage coach. First you go through life coach training and then you take a specialty on relationships. And the one I chose is marriage and I love marriage. I can talk about communication strategies, I can talk about the female and male brain. I can talk about increasing vulnerability and intimacy and connection. I could geek out about that all day long.
But as most of you know, I specialize in helping married women want and enjoy sex more with their husbands. I specialize in that because it was my struggle for so many years of my relationship and I could find nobody to help me in the long run.
I want to talk to you about something that's come up a lot for me lately and also for my clients. And that is how to deal with just growing up when you're in a marriage. How do you deal with emotional immaturity on your side and also your partner's side? I think it's really important to know that marriage is only going to be as good as the ingredients. You wouldn't take really crummy things to bake a cake with, and then it turns out kind of crummy and very dry you complain and wonder what's wrong or what's happening, because the reality is it's just you're dealing with imperfect people. You're dealing with people who are learning how to grow up, how to show up, how to take responsibility, how to have some humility.
Today we're going to be talking about one of the most essential things you can do if you're married and your husband really wants to have sex more and you're like, "There are so many other things that I would be rather doing." Like reading a good book or watching a movie, going for a walk, cleaning out our garage, cleaning the toilet, eating some chocolate. There are so many other things that make you feel happy and connected and allow you to enjoy life.
But, you know that it's good for your marriage and you know it's good for you. Maybe you're arguing about it and you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. So, let me just breeze on by that potential really funny analogy, for when it comes to talking about sex, and give you some real advice.
I really wish somebody had told me that it was safe for me to maintain my individuality while being in a relationship. So that's what I want to talk to you about today. This is definitely what we were taught by media and culture; when you become married, you should just spend all your time together and have married friends that you do things with and enjoy the same things.
And that's, unfortunately like most things from the media, really harmful for relationships because if we do anything else, we think we have a really crummy marriage or there's something wrong with us or we don't have a good connection or a good vibe. Also, movies rarely go beyond the wedding. Let's just be realistic. Usually romantic comedies are about the pursuit of the romantic relationship rather than the actual getting down to business, learning about one another, navigating the rocky moments, learning how to mature together, how to have a sophisticated relationship. I'm sorry that happened and you were taught the wrong thing. But today I want to share with you my journey.
So many married women tell me that they have a hard time enjoying sex because they don't love their bodies, and unfortunately this is a very common challenge that so many of us ladies experience. I have definitely experienced this in my life. And so, I want to share a few thoughts about that today so that this doesn’t become a barrier for you to enjoying intimacy with your husband, because you know that's what I'm all about.
But I'm also not about having you force yourself to do something that you're uncomfortable with. So my goal is to help you feel really comfortable with what is. And in order to do that, we need to take a look at three things. The first thing is, what you feel about your body makes a lot of sense. Number two, it's okay to not love your body. Yeah, totally okay. And number three, sex is about pleasure, not performance.
Today, I'm going to be talking about something that I think a lot of us women struggle with, me included. I feel like a little bit of a hypocrite making this blog for you, but I am learning alongside you and these are the steps that I am trying to put into practice when it comes to asking my husband to do things in the right way.
By the right way, I just mean that I'll actually get the best result. That he'll actually do the things I'm asking him to do. But that, it also maintains our connection, which as you probably agree, is really, really important. I have six steps for you but don’t let that overwhelm you. They all blend into one. And as I said, I am learning this stuff as well.
Have you ever felt not good enough? I think all of us ladies have, and today I'm going to talk about it. And what I'm actually going to be talking about is shame. Because most women, their experience of shame is not being good enough.
I was giving a live webinar the other day and I was describing one of the most essential ingredients, I believe, of having a great sex life in marriage. And somebody commented, "So you're basically talking about consent?" And I'm like, "Yes, it's that simple."
This blog is for you if you’ve ever wanted to get your husband on board with anything and if you think you might want to get your husband on board with something in the future. Maybe, right now, you want to get your husband on board with something like budgeting or housework or parenting or eating healthy or improving your sex life.
Sometimes there are things in our culture that are said again and again and again. Phrases that really get in the way of our communication. And one of those is “common sense.” Let’s just set the record straight there is no common sense. There’s no common anything. Really the biggest challenge in communication is all about believing thoughts. And that our thoughts are common to people around us. That what makes sense to me should make sense to you. And to feel validated in my thoughts, I need you to be thinking the same thoughts.
Hi, it’s me Janna and I have my period today. If you could see me right now. My hair is not fully dry. Yes, I’m still clipping my roots and I haven’t put on makeup, but that’s just how I feel like today. And so I thought it was very fitting that I talk about having sex while on your period today.
Have you ever been curious of other women? Have you wondered what other women do? Or if you just decided to not have sex while you’re on your period, this is the blog for you.
You know, I tried a lot of things when it came to improving my desire with my husband. I went to see many professionals and read many books. And the most common advice that I got did not work. Okay, maybe it worked temporarily. But it did not really work.
And that advice is, yes, you guessed it. To spice things up. Why? Why is this being told everywhere? Because it doesn’t work. Yes, it helped a little. It helped in the short term, in the physical sense. But that was not what I was really looking for.
I think a lot of people think that the only way to stop fighting about sex is to have it more. One person wants it less. And the other person wants to have it more. And the fighting is about not having it enough.
So it makes sense that the person who doesn’t want it as much will think, “Well, if I just somehow fix myself or somehow force myself to do it or somehow make it happen, then we’ll stop fighting about it and it will be all okay.” This is why women who come into my community often report feeling like there’s something wrong with them, that they’re broken, that they have to fix it.
If you’ve ever wondered where your libido has gone, you’ve probably also wondered at some point, “Is this something physical? There must be something going on with my hormones. Should I take a supplement?”
There is so much judgment about sex drives in our culture, and so talking about when they are mismatched is not as simple as it seems. So in today’s blog I’m going to be talking about what to do when your sex drives do not match.
In this episode, I chat with Ariana, a really fun mom, wife, business owner, podcast host AND author!!
We chat about all things marriage and business in a very honest way- how they’ve had to adjust their communication to work together, how a risk-taker and a safety-seeker find balance and I even share a little tip about how to have more productive work meetings 🙂
If you are ever curious about starting your own business or have already dipped your toes in the entrepreneurial world, I HIGHLY suggest that you go check out Ariana and her husband’s website: https://tomandariana.com/
They have a podcast, a book and all the support you need!
In this episode, I chat with Brittany, a refreshingly honest mom of 3 who opens up about her doubts about her marriage and being a parent.
We talk about her early marriage experiences, learning how to be independent, improving their sex life and orgasms. Yup, that’s where we ended up!
In this episode, I chat with the amazing and very powerful mom, Sandy Mclver about her journey with parenting a son with autism.
Mostly we chat about all things marriage- how they keep things strong, overcoming resentment, managing their son’s needs and much more.
If you’ve like to learn more about Sandy’s journey, you can find her on Youtube!
I think the majority of us have all been there. It’s been a while. You’ve had a dry spell and you’re feeling kind of awkward and nervous about getting into it. Here’s why I think it’s so challenging for us after some time. And I am like the queen of dry spells, believe me. I went for two periods of a year long in my marriage and lots of periods of months at a time of dry spells. So I know what it’s like and it’s super hard getting back in the saddle. Here’s why it’s awkward and hard.
When I was on the hunt to figure out what to do about my lack of desire to be with my husband in the bedroom, I was looking for solutions everywhere and I couldn’t find any. In fact, the solutions I found were, “Just do it. It’s good for your marriage.” Thanks. Super helpful.
So thankfully, years and years later, I have now figured out a solution and I’m going to share it with you today. And not only are you going to get the solutions, but you’re going to be able to figure out which one is specifically for you right now, which is really exciting because who wants generic advice? Not me.
The most common advice that I hear women get if they want to want it more, is to “just do it.” This advice makes me cringe because it’s so detrimental to women’s health and for wanting it more in the long term. Even though so many marriage professionals, and therapists, and counselors give this advice, it doesn’t work. So today I’m going to tell you what to do instead.
Can we ever really balance everything in our lives? I get asked a lot how I balance being a mom and intimacy. Because there are a lot of things about motherhood that negatively impact your intimacy, so that is what I am talking about. I hope that you feel validated, and you feel normal as you read this blog. I want you to feel hopeful as well. There are some simple things that you can do to make it all balance out as much as possible.
Today, I’m going to deviate a little bit from the how to’s and tips and tricks and just tell you my story. I think it’s one that a lot of women need to hear and I think it’s important to know who I am and where I come from.
Did you know that almost 97% of women report hating their bodies at some point in their lives? I think that is totally insanity. But it is a reality and I think it’s probably not shocking to anyone of us here. We all know that most women struggle with their body image. Today I’ll be talking about how to enjoy intimacy when you don’t love your body.
As women, our brains are incredibly active. I mean, we’ve got tons of responsibilities. We have lots of worries and concerns. That’s not something we should be aiming for, but it’s true. We’re always looking for areas of improvement in our lives and we’re trying to do good things. There’s nothing wrong with that, but not being able to manage those thoughts that come in and out on a consistent, constant basis can be really challenging. This is why yoga, and meditation, and mindfulness training are so important these days and so prevalent. Because we’re kind of all a little bit overstrung and a little stressed out. It doesn’t help us when we want to stay present in the bedroom with our spouses. So in this blog, I want to talk about the five simple secrets to staying completely present with your husband in the bedroom.
So today I’m going to talk about how to stop your husband from being disappointed when you say no. I’m talking specifically about your husband being disappointed when you say “no” to sex, because that’s what I usually talk about. But this could be for anything. When you say no to family vacation or say no to making dinner or anything. This is kind of a bait and switch kind of deal. Let’s get into it.
In this episode I chat with my friend and “Certified Postpartum Athleticism Coach”, Jenna Dalton!
This conversation was so.much.fun to have especially since I had NO CLUE how open Jenna was about talking about sex, orgasms and all that jazz.
We talked about pelvic floor issues, the awkwardness (and importance) of seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist, the definition of “good” sex, the challenges of motherhood, how to describe what an orgasm really feels like and so much more.
Whether you’ve just given birth or it’s been over 10 years (like myself), this is a really informative and hilarious conversation that I don’t think you want to miss.
To find more Jenna Dalton amazingness, visit her website: https://jennadalton.com
Today we’re going to be talking about guilt. Guilt is something that I think we, as women, know a lot about. We feel like a bad wife or guilt for this and guilt for that. In fact, it might not be guilt we’re experiencing. It might be something else. I’m going to go into that. But let’s start with the one question that you can ask yourself that will help eliminate your guilt really quickly. And then, I’m going to invite you to some action steps that I think are really beneficial for all marriages.
In my journey to wanting it more, I found that people aren’t giving good advice. I wanted to know how to start wanting sex more. Where to begin. So here we are, we’re going to talk about it. The essential first step to wanting sex more.