“Do you want to try anal sex?”
My body felt weird.
Inside, my heart was screaming NO but what came out was “maybe”.
Have you ever felt at some point in your married life, “Why don’t I want sex like ever? Why does it feel unnatural, not spontaneous and definitely not hot and exciting like in the movies? What is wrong with me?
Why would you want to fix your low libido?
This is a question that I pondered many times in the journey to increase my desire. On the one hand, I was eager to want sex more and, on the other, I was resentful towards my husband for not having to carry the weight of being "the broken one".
So if you are 50% wanting to fix your low libido and 50% just never wanting to have sex again for the rest of your life... that's okay!
But I really don't want you to miss out.
Today we're going to be talking about how do you talk to your husband about sex without hurting his feelings. I get that question asked a lot. In fact, I have seen so many women come through the Wanting it More program having never really talked to their husband about how they're truly feeling. Some women have been forcing themselves to have sex like three times a week and when they come into the Wanting it More program, they're like, "Uh, surprise. I've never really wanted it and I've never really enjoyed it," and it's a big shocker. Especially if you've been married for a really long time.
Today, I'm going to be sharing something I'm really excited about because we are often told that increasing our libido, wanting sex more, however you want to say it, is difficult. We're not told that explicitly, but we're told that in so many subtle, small ways in the fact that there's no simple guidance and everyone has conflicting ideas about how this works.
You have some people saying that it's like a mental thing. Some people say that it's a physical thing. Some people say that you need to just take your stress away. All of these things feel really challenging and hard to do, like we have to live a different life in order for this to work.
I think deep down, this is how I felt, and I'm curious if you felt this way, too. “There's something wrong with me that just can't be fixed, and I'm the only one experiencing this. Why is it happening? Because I love my husband, and this doesn't seem to be happening with anybody else that I know.”
Or maybe it is, and you are having conversations with your friends, but there's no solutions. It's just more of commiserating or you're finding out from other people that they just kind of grin and endure it. And that's definitely not something that I want you to be doing. I don't want you to be experiencing these challenges anymore.
The Myth of the Missionary Position. I'm so excited for this blog because it drives me crazy that when people think of sex, they think of the missionary position-which is horrible for women in so many ways. And it's definitely something that I held on a pedestal as the ultimate pure way to have sex and that the whole world should be doing it. And that one day it was going to feel good for me and then I was going to be validated and normal like everything I saw on TV.
While it might be a good position for lights, camera, action and for thinking about sex in its pure form (which is that kind of sex that is not good for the woman)... It's just not good for anybody. So the myth of the missionary position is that it feels good for women.
Today I want to talk about something that I am familiar with, and that is the effect that depression has on the bedroom, with your husband, having sex. And I'm talking about that because I am Janna Denton-Howes and I am a sex and intimacy coach for married women, so I have a little qualification when it comes to talking about intimacy and longterm relationships.
I have never experienced clinical depression, I want to make that really clear, because I hate it when people throw around the terms, "I'm just a little depressed." Well, really? Probably for someone with clinical depression, they're like, "You're feeling low." And so I've experienced feeling low, just as much as I've experienced anxiety before. And the main effect that I see on the sexual experience is not wanting to have it at all. And I don't know if that's because our culture has really put this strange idea into everyone's heads that to enjoy the sexual experience you need to be in the mood. You need to be all hot and bothered and feeling sexy and all these ridiculous things that we're told that are so unhelpful for having an intimacy heartbeat in your relationship. There is so much expectation.
I used to struggle with anxiety a lot. It started when I was maybe about nine years old. I was living in China at the time, my parents were teaching English and I noticed that I had a little black spot on my tooth and in my little, child brain, I knew that we would have to go back to Canada to get it fixed because we were in a pretty rural area of China and we didn't speak Chinese and it was a whole thing. So I didn't tell my parents and I ended up losing a ton of hair from the stress of it. Isn't that crazy? So when I talk about anxiety, I know what I'm talking about. And not only have I struggled with anxiety just in everyday life, but also I had a ton of worries around the sexual experience before. Now I don't.
So I want to tell you the things that I have learnt around overcoming anxiety and making sure that I can still enjoy sex well.
I don't have chronic pain, but my husband does. So maybe I have a little credibility when it comes to talking about this topic. I also counselled my very good friend who deals with chronic pain in her life as well. I say that because I never really like talking about topics in which I do not have firsthand experience, but I know a lot of the people that I supported in the Wanting It More program, have chronic pain. So I have experience supporting them, I do have some knowledge and so I'd really like to help you.
If you or your partner experiences chronic pain in your life or their life, then this is the blog for you because yes, you can enjoy sex just like everybody else. And you know this already, right? So there's my disclaimer.
Today, I want to talk to you about how to enjoy sex as a highly sensitive person. If you don't know what a highly sensitive person is then you're in for a treat, because finding out that I was one was a life changing experience. I thought I had a generalized anxiety disorder but it turns out that I was a highly sensitive person and just really overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot of the time.