As women, our brains are incredibly active. I mean, we’ve got tons of responsibilities. We have lots of worries and concerns. That’s not something we should be aiming for, but it’s true. We’re always looking for areas of improvement in our lives and we’re trying to do good things. There’s nothing wrong with that, but not being able to manage those thoughts that come in and out on a consistent, constant basis can be really challenging. This is why yoga, and meditation, and mindfulness training are so important these days and so prevalent. Because we’re kind of all a little bit overstrung and a little stressed out. It doesn’t help us when we want to stay present in the bedroom with our spouses. So in this blog, I want to talk about the five simple secrets to staying completely present with your husband in the bedroom.
5 Simple Secrets to Staying Present
Don’t feel overwhelmed by the number five. I’m not trying to add to your to do list here. What I’m trying to say is that it can be simple, and you can do it. Most importantly, you’re not alone. If you are trying to get nice, and cozy, and intimate with your husband, and your to do lists are running through your head, I’m going to talk about. Before I get into that and how you can remedy them, and really how I’ve remedied them in my life (because I am an over thinker, over analyzer, and over worrier), I want to introduce myself. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a marriage coach and creator of the Wanting it More Program. Yes, it is what you think it is.
5 Thoughts Patterns Behind the Secrets
Let’s get into the five simple secrets, shall we? Each simple secret correlates to a pattern of thought that you might be having. So let me review those patterns of thought. Here’s what might be on your mind. Number one, I’ve already mentioned this before, your to do list. It’s running. It’s very long. There’s birthday parties to plan. There’s shopping lists. There’s things we’ve got to do.
Then we have issues that we want to talk to her husband about. Maybe it’s finances, maybe it’s issues with the in-laws, maybe it’s housework dynamics. Maybe it’s the fact that you want him to get a new job. So many things that you might want to talk to him about.
Then there are just those fears, worries, and concerns. Maybe your child is sick. Maybe you have an upcoming vacation and you don’t feel prepared. Maybe you just bought a new car and you think you made the wrong decision. Right? We just have worries and concerns all the time.
The fourth thing is thinking about your husband’s experience in the bedroom. Is he having a good time? Is he bored? Is this intense enough? Is he enjoying himself? Do I sound weird? Do I look weird? All those fun little thoughts we can have.
Lastly, having fantasies just to try to get aroused. Because if you are struggling in that department they can be really helpful, but they can take you away from the experience and take you away from being present. So, I’m going to talk about those five categories and what you can do about them, and give you some simple strategies.
Write It Down
I’ve used all of these strategies myself. So this is not just theory. Number one, your personal to do items. These are taking up all that storage in your brain and not allowing you to be present in the moment. It’s taking away from that wonderful connection that is available to you. Just write that stuff down. Get out a pen and paper and write down the things are in your brain. Full disclosure, I have never done this physically, but I have done it mentally. I “write” all the things down I’m thinking about and then tell myself, “Janna, you have set aside this time. This is sacred. This is special. This is self care. This is marriage care. This is all sorts of delicious, wonderful oxytocin, and endorphins, and dopamine. And all this stuff that I can really enjoy in my life and really get benefit out of. It’ll make me more productive.”
Just set those things aside for a moment. Okay? So if you need to write them down, do it. If that’s your jam, go ahead. But another strategy is to say, “I’ve chosen to be here. This is what we’re going to do right now and when I’m done, I can go back to those items.”
Put it on the Calendar
Number two, issues that you want to talk to your husband about. So there’s a couple of strategies here depending on your personality. If you’re a planner, if you like things on the calendar or schedule, plan another time that those things can be talked about. I have one client who schedules a weekly marriage meeting with her husband. I think that’s fantastic. I’m not really at a stage where I need or want that. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal when it comes to scheduling and stuff, which is interesting because I recommend scheduling sex.
So what you can do is just bring it up really quickly. If your relationship is at that stage where you can just bring things up really quickly. For example, what I’ll do is be like, “Oh we need to check in with our budget,” and my husband would be like, “Okay, sure.” Then we’ll just move on with it. So the issues that I need to talk to my husband about, we’re at the stage right now in our relationship that I can just bring them up. He can say, “Okay, sure,” and we’ll just move on with it. Will we actually get to the budget or will we actually get to all those things that I think I want to talk to him about? Maybe we will, maybe not. But for me, just that little reassurance of him saying, “Okay, sure,” Really helps.
Before you get into the experience you might want to say, if that’s what’s clouding up your brain, “Hey, I really need to talk about this thing. When can we do that? Can we put it on the calendar?” Get out your phone. Actually put it in there so you can just put your mind at rest.
Fears, worries, concerns. I mean, we’re all a diverse human race here and so we’re all going to have different feelings. We’re all going to have different sensitivities around fears, and concerns or worries. Mine is pretty high and so I deal with this a lot. What I’ve done is I use the experience with my husband as a strategy to be more mindful.
We have a lot of physical senses that we can use in order to come out of our heads and into our bodies when we’re in the bedroom with our husbands. So you’ve got smell. Smell his armpits. Those pheromones are really good for you. We have touch, and not just sexual touch, but even just warmth or pressure can be really grounding and nice. We have taste. If you’re orally centered, the taste can be nice. Or, maybe you put in some chocolate in your mouth or something. I don’t get freaky like that but you do you. Then there’s sight. You can open your eyes and look at your beloved. Lastly there is sound that you can incorporate into being more mindful and present. Connecting in that way.
Physical senses can help you get out of your worries and concerns, and into your body. Use it as a practice like you would yoga, or meditation, or a walk in nature. A lot of people think, “Oh, intimate relations are just about connection,” but for women in particular, they’re a lot about self care. So use it for that.
Get Out of His Experience
Number four, thinking about your husband’s experience. Is he bored? Does he think this is weird? Is this not intense enough? Blah, blah, blah. Ladies, you’ve got to get out of your husband’s head. Because if you’re in his experience, you’re way out of connection with your body and it’s just not going to work.
You need to be very concerned with your own experience. Some may think this is selfish, but it’s not. Your husband, in the long run, will have a much better time if you’re fully in your pleasure. So, I know this is probably the hardest tip that I’m going to give you and it might take a very long time to be able to accomplish this, but it’s a good start.
It is also really good to ask for reassurance if your marriage is at that point. I don’t know where you are in your relationship. You might be at the stage where you know sparks can get heated really quick, or maybe you’re at the stage where you can get away with a lot. Your corners are rounded. There’s not a lot of sharp edges. I’m kind of at that stage in my relationship. Not because I was just blessed with it, but because I worked really hard to get here.
So I’ll ask my husband for reassurance. “Are you’re having a good time, are you having fun? Is this weird?” He’s a wonderful responder to my questions and so he’ll just say, “Oh, your pleasure is my only concern,” and wonderful things like that. So really depending on where you’re at in your relationship, those are two strategies.
Lastly, using fantasy to get aroused. It’s such a big strategy for the women I serve who struggle to want it in the first place. Fantasies can just be one strategy. I don’t really have a moral take on this. Whatever works. But if you’re trying to stay present with your husband in the bedroom, this is probably not the best strategy. You’re disconnecting from the experience and having something else going on in your mind.
Some soft eye contact can really help. Not staring at each other in the face, but just some soft gazes. Lower your eyelids a little bit. I find eyes open helps me stay way more present in what’s happening in the moment. Then being able to use my brain for other things like he cares for me, he loves me, he supports me. All of those wonderful things that make you feel really good. Thoughts like, we’re on the same team. I appreciate this, etc.
Another thing you can use, is your husband’s single focus. So, women have diffuse awareness, which is why we’re always thinking about all the things and also why our husbands don’t tend to do that. This is a gender generalization, but our husbands tend to be able to just focus on one thing at a time. Wouldn’t that be amazing? So I sometimes will say, “Help,” to my husband, “Help, my mind is wandering. I’m going off in la-la land. I’m off in a fantasy and I don’t want to be.” I talk to him or he talks to me and he gets me back into the present moment, which is really helpful.
I’ve covered a lot here but I just want you to take one of these tips that I’ve shared with you. Just one. Because if you start to use soft eye contact, or if you see this as a self care practice, or you get really in touch with your physical senses, or you write things down beforehand, that is amazing. Imagine how just one of those would help you so much to stay present with your husband in the bedroom.
Maybe you’re saying, “Why Janna? Why would I want to stay present?” When you are present, your experience is so much more satisfying and fulfilling. You get more benefits out of it. That connection, that teamwork. Again, all of those hormones that you get from it. Oxytocin, which is so good and so important for women.
You get more benefit out of it and when you get more benefit out of it, you look forward to it more. I want you to be able to create an experience that you’re going to look forward to. Just like any other practice in your life that helps you slow down and connect to who you are and connect to another human being, this is important.
Could you have anything better? So just pick one and keep it simple. If you feel brave enough, you can like or comment on this blog post and share it with your friends. You could always just copy the link and email it to them if you don’t want the whole wide world to know that you just watched this video. But I think we should all just become courageous.
We’re all married, we’re all doing it. May as well talk about it.
I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.