Not Knowing Sexual Preferences Causes Lack of Libido in Women
So many women who are struggling with a lack of intimacy in their marriages tell me that they feel broken.
They feel like their body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to: wanting sex at least 3 times a week, loving intercourse and having mind-blowing orgasms from missionary position alone.
Did I mention simultaneous orgasms within 10 minutes or less?
Under this narrow definition of healthy sexual functioning, it’s no wonder why so many women feel like their bodies are letting them down.
And why their husbands sometimes agree.
Women’s bodies aren’t broken, the standard of what defines “working” is.
In this culture of miseducation and undereducation, it’s so important that women spend time learning the science of female sexuality as well as their own preferences.
Easier said than done, right?
3 Barriers to Understanding Our Bodies that are Causing Low Libido in Women
There can be many barriers to learning about your body and I think it’s important to acknowledge a few of them before we move on.
Barrier #1: Cultural shame.
Bodies are bad. Sex is dirty. Don’t touch yourself. These messages can lead to feelings of shame, disgust of your body, and avoidance.
A good first step is to acknowledge the ways in which culture has impacted you and decide for yourself what you want to believe moving forward.
Barrier #2: Lack of reliable education.
Anyone else concerned about googling for help or worried you’ll be shamed or pressured?
Finding helpful books, articles and support can be tricky, especially when you are concerned they won’t align with your personal values.
What I’ve found is that over time, you’ll develop a keen intuition for what’s going to help or harm you. Unfortunately, this is learnt through trial and error. Great job for getting started!
Barrier #3: Not feeling safe.
If you don’t feel safe, it’s very difficult to explore your body and pleasure. This could include being fearful that your exploration will be used as a green light for your partner, being judged for what you do like or your partner will think you’re taking too long.
Making sure you’re in a comfortable environment with good communication and boundaries is essential for learning about yourself.
The truth is, these barriers are rarely overcome with a simple solution so it’s more a matter of ongoing acknowledgement and practice as you proactively work towards understanding how your body works.
Learning the science of female sexuality is a critical piece of increasing our desire.
While it will be different for every woman, two important pieces of information made a big impact on me when I started this process:
- The majority of women orgasm with clitorial stimulation. This brought me tremendous relief that I worked perfectly and gave me permission to fully embrace this aspect of my pleasure. No more feeling broken!
- There are two types of desire: spontaneous and responsive. I’ll do another blog post on this topic but, for now, know that it gave me permission to never try and get my body “in the mood” again. I started to plan for opportunities of pressure-free exploration instead.
A wonderful book to get you started on this process of learning is called, “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski:
Understanding your preferences will help you create an intimate experience you can look forward to, leading to increased libido and desire
So often what I find is that women will naturally default to what their husband’s like or expect him to figure out her body without her input.
This makes a lot of sense considering the typical plot line of any romance novel: hot guy strolls into town, innocent women feels strange tingling every time he comes around, they have sex and he makes her feel things she’s never felt before.
In this scenario, she is a passive bystander in her own pleasure.
Instead, I encourage all of us to take charge of our own enjoyment and explore what feels good and what doesn’t for ourselves.
3 Ways Women Can Increase Enjoyment in the Bedroom:
- Starting with owning the things that you DON’T like first. This may be a courageous step, especially if you feel like you don’t like most things!
- Expanding your definition of pleasure to slightly more positive than neutral can help decrease pressure to have everything feel like fireworks.
- Exploring all your senses and body parts, instead of just the typical ones, can help you see that physical enjoyment can come in all forms, and all forms are valid.
While this is just an overview of one of the 3 Requirements of Desire, I hope it has given you some practical steps forward to help you understand your preferences, which is an important step to increasing libido in women.
Let the learning begin!
If you’ve enjoyed this blog post, please check out the video: Youtube video
Listen to the podcast episode: Wanting it More Podcast