I am often asked, "What happens if I'm not attracted to my partner anymore? How am I supposed to like and enjoy sex with them?"
I am going to be very frank and honest about my own journey, as well as offer you some hope and relief that, yes, you can have an amazing sex life even if you aren't super attracted to your spouse.
I know what it's like to not feel attracted to your partner.
This is a difficult thing for a lot of us to admit because we feel guilty, like it makes us a terrible person or that our marriage is doomed to failure.
That's simply not true!
In fact, there is a huge and unnecessary emphasis in our culture placed on attraction to your spouse, like it's the hallmark of a healthy and happy marriage.
This doesn't make sense because...we age and our bodies change. We gain weight, lose hair, get wrinkles, lose teeth, and deal with sickness, injury and disabilities.
Change is inevitable in a long-term partnership.
Unfortunately, we live in a very materialistic society obsessed with outward appearance and less concerned with what really matters like connection, love, care, and compassion.
It's very common to feel like you'll never be able to enjoy the type of intimate life you want with your husband because of your lack of attraction for him.
I have gone in and out of feeling attracted to my partner as he has gained and lost weight, but it is never affected my ability to enjoy the sexual experience with him.
In fact, in the early days of our relationship, when I was really struggling to want any sort of affection or touch, he was at his highest attraction to me.
So in my mind, there is no correlation.
Here's what's really happening. Media has taught us the following formula...
- Attraction: We see the person. Our bodies start to quiver.
- Arousal: Our vulvas tingle with delight. Our heartbeat races faster. We're drawn in like a magnet.
- Hot sex: What that means, we're never really sure...but it's always eluded to
Given this example of attraction that we're shown again and again, it's no wonder we're overly concerned with the idea that physical attraction is needed to have fulfilling intimacy.
Here's the new idea I'm proposing that I'd love you to adopt.
Set an intention.
Your intention should be to go into an experience with your partner that is focused on curious exploration and connection.
I encourage you to schedule sex so you don't have to wait for the impossible formula of attraction and arousal.
Follow your pleasure.
You have a body. Your body has five senses. You have access to feeling slightly better than neutral. You can use your husband, whether you're visually attracted to him or not, for that pleasure.
You can use his soft skin for pleasure.
You can use his warmth for pleasure.
You can use his heartbeat for pleasure.
You can use any part of his body for your pleasure.
You may visually be attracted to some areas of his body...a certain patch of skin, a muscle, maybe his hair or his eyelashes, his feet, biceps, arms, or hands.
Focus on the aspects of his body that you do find interesting.
Focus on connection.
When I ask most couples what sex is for in their marriage, they always say connection.
Connection doesn't happen by looking at someone. You can connect by talking, touching, or breathing together. You can connect through kindness, compassion, or empathy.
Use your intuition and follow what feels good to you in the moment.
It's OK to make requests.
You do not have to be attracted to your partner to enjoy a delightful sexual experience with them. That being said, it doesn't mean that you can't make requests, especially around grooming or cleanliness.
I happen to be a highly sensitive person, which means I have a heightened nervous system and senses.
I need my husband to be clean shaven, showered, and have his teeth brushed before we begin a sexual experience.
I like my husband to have a regular haircut because I love the feeling of running my hands through a cleanly cut head of hair.
I need him to wear clean clothes.
I need us to have clean sheets in a relatively clean room.
Your partner may or may not be open to your requests. If they aren't, it's their body, it's their choice.
You can't really do anything about it, but you can be vulnerable. You can share your heart, you can be kind and you can make requests.
Remember, sex is about having a connecting experience. Connection with yourself, connection with your partner, and connection with the universe through the magical unity that you're creating.
I hope you feel empowered and relieved knowing that there isn't something you're missing out on.
Bodies age, change, grow, and develop. A relationship is so much more than physical looks.