Time for a little tough love.
I see asking “Why?” as being an unhelpful question to ask when you’re looking at your needs as a woman.
Stop the diagnosing!
Us women commonly diagnose ourselves instead of simply getting our needs met. I had to learn to stop doing this years ago, otherwise I wasn’t going to be able to continue with my marriage.
As you likely already know, I didn’t want or enjoy sex very much with my husband and everybody, including my husband, was very on board with diagnosing me with low libido.
Every person I went to said, “Yes, you’re the problem. You have a low sex drive. Let’s figure out how we can fix that for you by looking at all the ways that you’re abnormal, traumatized, or affected. Let’s focus on you and only you.”
I didn’t even know what I needed at the time, but I wasn’t given any space to actually figure it out because the diagnosing was the main thing on the to-do list whenever we went to get support.
Turns out there was absolutely nothing wrong with me!
What was wrong was that I had very specific needs that I wasn’t getting met, but we were all too busy diagnosing me and asking “Why?”.
Self-diagnosing can show up in many different areas of your life:
- “Why do I need so much clothing when I go out and everyone else is fine in t-shirts?”
- “Why do I like ice cold water instead of lukewarm water, which everyone else seems to enjoy?
- “Why do I not like having sex with my husband?”
We are so focused on asking “Why?” instead of just saying, “Oh, that’s just a need that I have and I’m going to go and get that need met.”
If we’re focused on diagnosing ourselves, then we’re missing out on actually getting the life that we want
A life full of safety, acceptance, comfort, joy, and delight.
I really encourage you, in whatever area that you’re doing this in your life right now, to stop. Instead, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
After you know what you need you can tell yourself, “It’s just a fact.”
- “It’s just a fact I like to be really warm, so I wear lots of clothes when it’s springtime when everyone else seems to be in shorts.”
- “It’s just a fact that I like ice water.”
- “It’s just a fact that I need a lot of safety and reassurance in the bedroom.”
It’s just a fact. Not, “Why?”
Why will get you stuck. Why will put the focus in the wrong place and you will be missing out on what you really and truly need.
Don’t ask, “Why can’t I handle my kid’s screaming?”
Instead, ask “What do I need?”
“I need to wear some noise dampening headphones when I’m trying to cook dinner and my kids are rough housing in the living room.”
Don’t ask, “Why don’t I like my breasts being touched?”
Instead, ask “What do I need?”
“It’s just a fact I don’t like them being touched. I need to set a boundary.”
We have been so affected as women in our culture and it’s not because we’re doing anything wrong. It’s because we’re playing out what we think we should be doing. It’s been very convenient for culture to have a whole gender questioning themselves, diagnosing themselves, and blaming themselves.
We can’t do that anymore!
If we’re going to have an equitable world, everybody needs to get what they need to feel safe and comfortable so they can be filled with pleasure, delight, joy, and happiness.
I hope this was helpful. Take care my friend.