The Essential First Step to Wanting Sex More, That Most Therapists Ignore

In my journey to wanting it more, I found that people aren’t giving good advice. I wanted to know how to start wanting sex more. Where to begin. So here we are, we’re going to talk about it. The essential first step to wanting sex more.

You need a break from sex. That’s what I say right off the bat to my clients. And they’re like, “What? Wait a minute. I thought you were going to help me want it more.” Then husbands, who were so excited to start this program to help their wives want sex more, are confused.  I get told this doesn’t make sense so often. Well, in fact, it actually makes a lot of sense. And here is why.

You Need Space

Number one, you need space to want it. I want you to think of your favorite cereal. I like rice krispies with almond milk and a little bit of Maple Syrup. Yum. Now I’m feeling hungry. I digress. What would happen if somebody, let’s take your husband for example, offered you your favorite cereal, right when you got up in the morning? You really hadn’t even woken up or even taken the covers off or anything. You haven’t brushed your teeth. I mean nothing. And he’s there with a bowl of rice krispies and you’re like, “Okay, sure, I’ll take the rice krispies. Thanks.” All while thinking how you weren’t ready for Rice krispies and you’re not really in the mood.

Then you leave for work, can you come home. There he is again with a bowl of Rice krispies, “Want it?” And you think, okay, I could have an afternoon snack. Sure, let’s go for it. And this goes on for weeks and maybe even years in your life. And suddenly the cereal that you love the most, now you hate it. You cannot stand it and you want nothing to do with it.

Missing The Mark

Well if you hadn’t caught on yet, the cereal is sex. What’s happening for so many of us who don’t want to have sex, is that our husbands have been offering it again and again and again in so many different ways that they think is going to help turn you on. But in fact they’re kind of missing the mark.

Like slapping your butt in the kitchen or calling you sexy or even little lingerie that they bought you. It’s just not gonna work. You need space to want more sex. You need time, in which you’re not being offered the opportunity to have it, nor are you worried about it. Your desire is something that needs an opportunity to cultivate. And if you are always on the defensive, there’s no room for you to be on the offensive.

Janna’s Prescription

I prescribe three weeks of no sex for anyone who comes into my sphere. Whether that’s one-on-one work with me or through my program. And what I have found this to be is just profound; profound beyond what I originally thought it was good for. I thought, “Okay good. We have to get these ladies a break.” And it worked. It’s really important, but what I’ve found is that there’s another level to this. Another deeper, really important level. And that is you need to find your voice.

You might be able to relate to not having your voice when it comes to initiating or responding to initiation. A lot of women I get to have the honor of working with, push themselves when they really don’t want to have sex and that does not feel good. I think we’ve all been in that position before. It feels kind of icky and gross. Finding your voice and being able to say, “Look, we’re not going to have sex for a period of time.” is an essential first step to wanting sex more. I think three weeks is a really good period of time. You get to decide what your period of time is. This is an opportunity for you to create some safety for yourself.

Safety Begets Pleasure

Safety is an essential ingredient for pleasure and desire. And without it, you’re not genuinely wanting nor enjoying sex. So you need to have space in order to create that opportunity for you to want it. And then you need to be able to find your voice and actually be able to create boundaries. This is really hard for a lot of women to do. You might be saying, “Well we haven’t had sex in like a year or so. What’s the big point?” I say, even then, you should have a break and you should articulate it. You should make sure that it happens, even then, because you’re still thinking about it almost every day. Am I right? I mean, I might be wrong, but that’s definitely what happened with me when I didn’t have sex for a year.

I was still thinking, “Oh, it’s been so long. I feel so guilty. What’s wrong with me? Am I broken? Maybe tonight will be the night. Maybe I’ll feel rested enough. Maybe I’ll be attracted to my husband enough. Maybe it’ll be at the right time in my cycle.” There’s too much mental gymnastics going on. You need a break from that as well.

This is Not a Selfish Thing

Whether you find it really hard to do this or not, you need to say, “Look, my darling, sweet husband who I adore. I need a break from sex. This is really important for the long term health  of our relationship.”

And he might have a meltdown. He might have a tantrum, or a ‘mantram’ as my husband calls it. But at the end of the day, you know you’re doing it ultimately for the long term health of your marriage. This is not a selfish thing. This is not counter to any unity building in your marriage. In fact, boundaries create more unity and you deserve to take that load off. You totally deserve it. Okay, if you’re like, “Janna, this makes sense. But I’m still feeling a little lost at how to talk to my husband about it.” I got you covered.

Where Do You Go From Here?

You’re a married woman who wants to have more sex, but doesn’t want it at all. Maybe you want it occasionally. You know you’ll enjoy it, but you forget about that part often. It’s causing some tension in your relationship and some internal conflict.

I host a free class where I share with you the real reason for a lack of desire and the 6 step solution to reconnecting again. This is just one of the pieces. You might think it’s kind of scary to come to a class about wanting more sex, but it will be so much fun. I promise. No one will see that you’re there, but there’s just something about knowing other women are going through the class as well. You are not alone.

Conclusion

I encourage you to take a breather. Give yourself a break to create that beautiful space and to grow your voice in your relationship. And then enroll in my free class. The Real Reason for a Lack of Desire and the 6 Step Solution to Reconnecting Again. This process changed my marriage and it can change yours as well.

Leave a Comment: