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The New Sexy Talk: how to use words of affirmation to increase connection and intimacy in your marriage

March 3, 2021

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The New Sexy Talk

Sexy talk does nothing for me.  By sexy talk, I mean the stereotypical phrases you’ve heard before, like “You’re so hot” or “I want you so bad right now.” These words shut down desire faster than a lightning bolt. It makes sense because there is a lot of pressure behind these phrases. Are you suddenly supposed to feel “hot” or ready for sex once these words are spoken?

What if you could hear words and phrases that actually fill you up with warmth and love instead? You can! Let’s dive in to discovering how to use what I’m calling “The New Sexy Talk” to bring you pleasure and delight with your partner.  

Asking for Reassurance and Why It’s Important

Asking for reassurance means asking specific questions of your partner in order to hear a positive, reassuring response back. This may seem contrived but let me explain why it’s important and why it works on building connection and intimacy in marriage.  

You are a social creature hardwired for connection and belonging. You need to know you are safe and that your social bonds aren’t going anywhere.  

There are two deep-rooted motivations behind asking for reassurance from your partner. You need to know:

  1. “Are we okay?” AKA, “Will you stay with me?”
  2. “Am I enough?” AKA, “Do you accept me as I am?”

It can feel really scary to ask for the reassurance you long to hear. That’s because you live with the cultural message that says, "Deal with your own stuff and don’t be so darn needy!”

While I strongly believe it’s important to be an individual, be empowered, and be strong within yourself, I also believe the point of marriage is to offer each other a partnership and a true collaboration. You want to know that if you fall, your partner will be there.

You're not taking responsibility for one another’s happiness, but you're contributing to it. It's your husband's honour and it's your honour to respond positively to vulnerable questions with reassuring words that benefit the greater good of your partnership.

How to use The New Sexy Talk to ask reassuring questions

Here is how this game is played. I see this like a game because there's a lot of fun, collaboration, exploration, and curiosity that both of you can partake in, but there are also some ground rules you both need to understand in order for this to work.

  1. Full acceptance: You need full acceptance in the bedroom - of your body, your pleasure, and your needs. There is no room for pressure and no hints to advance things. You lead the experience and your husband responds to your needs.
  2. Safety: This means that your husband responds to your requests and boundaries. Feeling no pressure to do anything you aren’t ready for allows you to relax and play within this wonderful container of safety.
  3. Believe him: Reassuring words are for the greater good of your marriage. These sentences are something that you want to consume, play with, and delight in. You need to believe what your partner says back to you.

Here are some examples of reassuring questions to ask and great responses back.

Q: Are you enjoying yourself?

A: Yes, I am having the best time with you right now.

Q: Do you love my body?

A: I love all of you. I want the whole package.

Q: Do you love me just the way I am?

A: I accept you exactly as you are without changing a thing.

Q: Should we try something else right now?

A: Whatever your pleasure dictates. That's why we're here.

Do these words really count if I’m asking for them?

Many women I teach this method to will initially resist and say, “It doesn’t count if I’m telling him what to say.”

I call BS on that.

Why are you choosing instead to play the losing game of your partner having to read your mind and magically know the perfect thing to say? Why not just tell him? Give your partner the script that fills your heart with delight and joy.  Help your partner love you better.  

Reassuring questions and responses are a playful part of your intimate time together. If you have a strong leader and strong responder, you can have so much fun with the new sexy talk. Your body will tingle with delight and you will have the most incredible, fun, and playful sexual experiences of your life.

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