Do you always feel too tired for sex?
If this is your go-to excuse in the bedroom, I have three questions to ask yourself to figure out what's really going on, and what you can do moving forward.
Question #1: What about sex feels tiring for you?
Why do you need energy going into the sexual experience in the first place?
This might seem like a weird question because you may think, don't we all need to have energy?
I want you to ask yourself this question from three different perspectives: physical, mental, and emotional.
Physically: do you have expectations on yourself, or does your husband have expectations, that you will physically exert yourself?
Mentally: do you feel like you have to work yourself up to get in the mood? Is it exhausting trying to figure out what you like/want?
Emotionally: Is vulnerability too tiring? Is dealing with your husband's emotions and needs too much in the experience?
Question #2: What do I want to say no to?
Once you reflect on the first question of what's exhausting you, you'll know what you need to start saying no to in your sexual experience.
You're allowed to say no to sex that feels physically exhausting.
You can say no to taking on your husband's feelings.
You can say no to sex at night.
You can say no to goals and expectations.
You can say no to your husband requesting things.
Remember, you cannot design a nourishing sexual experience by continuing to do the things that are exhausting you.
Question #3: What do you need sex to feel like to be nourishing?
The answer to this question will change every single time you enter an intimate experience.
You can think of it like going for a walk.
Sometimes, I put on my running shoes because I need a vigorous walk.
Sometimes, I want to stroll and listen to a podcast, music, or have complete silence.
Other times, I want to meander aimlessly on the beach with no destination in mind.
The point is, you don't have to be anything other than what you are in that moment and that's why you've got to say no to some things first.
You need to be able to show up as you are to enjoy pleasure and connection with your partner without any pressure or pushing to meet expectations.
If you're dreading sex, there's something off that needs to change in order for it to become a nourishing self-care practice.
You don't need to perform. You don't have to be anything that you're not.
You can bring anxiety.
You can bring depression.
You can bring annoyance.
You can bring frustration.
You can bring all of you into your experience.