Have you ever felt at some point in your married life, “Why don’t I want sex like ever? Why does it feel unnatural, not spontaneous and definitely not hot and exciting like in the movies? What is wrong with me?”
“Because I know that everybody else in the whole wide world is having sex frequently. They’re having a grand old time. They are not experiencing mental gymnastics. It’s easy for them. The feelings just erupt and suddenly the clothes are flying off and they can’t keep their hands off of each other. And then there’s me. Dry as a desert who would way rather sleep or read a good book or eat chocolate or even clean the toilet than do it.”
Look, the idea that it should just come naturally, like thirst or hunger, is a lie. Before I get into the three reasons why this is the case, I want to introduce myself. If you don’t know me already, my name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a marriage coach, and I specialize in helping married women want and enjoy sex more with their husbands.
I have helped hundreds of women and couples create so much closeness and connection in their relationships even when they thought they were broken beyond repair or nothing was ever going to help the situation.
I know this because I was one of those women for years in my marriage. I thought that nobody else struggled. I was super abnormal. Thankfully, after about 10 years, I solved the mystery and now I teach it to other married women like yourself.
Now let’s get into the three reasons why it’s a lie that it should just come naturally to one and enjoy it. The first one, it’s not a drive. We have been told our whole life, I mean it’s common to even use that term when we’re talking about it, that it’s kind of like thirst or hunger or the need to sleep. It’ll just happen to us.
We never think that it’s normal not to get thirsty or not to have an appetite or not to want to go to sleep. If that ever happened to us, we would be off to the hospital pretty quick and trying to figure out what was wrong with us.
But this is different. It is not a drive. So if you do not want it spontaneously out of the blue, when you haven’t had it for a long time, it just means that you have another type of very common desire called responsive desire.
This is just a really fancy way of meaning that you won’t get thirsty. You’ll need to decide to take a sip of water. It’s going to be a choice. So it might not feel natural to make a choice, but it’s definitely how you naturally function. Number one lie. It is not a drive. It doesn’t just naturally spur out and make us go crazy. Not for all of us anyway.
Number two. If we’re going to be talking about natural functions, then we need to talk about the world in which we live in, because there is absolutely nothing natural about the education that we have received or not received from our culture, from our childhood, from random comments from strangers.
We have, on the one hand, this kind of puritanical shame culture. That is like don’t look, don’t talk, don’t touch, don’t even acknowledge it. Or in some extreme cases, some real miseducation about how our bodies work.
On the other hand, we have this world, that is like obsessed with it. Obsessed, but in a really unhealthy way. It’s used for advertising. It’s in every single Netflix show you can possibly imagine. Believe me, I am hyper aware of this. It creates unrealistic expectations. Furthermore, a lot of really bad education, the opposite of what actually goes down in real people and real marriages.
So if we’re going to talk about natural, then we need to just look around for a minute and realize that if we ever want to get even remotely close to it being natural, we need to live in a natural world. We really do not and so much unlearning has to take place. And again, just go back to the number one reason that I just shared in so many of us that just isn’t the way we function.
The last reason why it doesn’t and you shouldn’t expect it to just come naturally is that, just because it has to do with a bodily function, doesn’t mean that we don’t have to learn about it.
When I first gave birth to my first daughter, there was nothing natural about breastfeeding. I took a class about it. They talked about it when I was doing my pre-birth classes. Then I had a midwife who was amazing. She also was a lactation consultant. She prepped me. She sat with me. She squeezed all the bits and shoved the mouth in all the places.
Even with that education and that one on one mentorship, I still had some struggle. I had cracking issues, and latch issues, and pain issues. If you guys have ever been breastfeeding, you know what I’m talking about. So not only just a lot of learning from others, but I had to allow myself to adjust and learn in the process. Nothing about it came naturally.
Even after all of these reasons why it’s a total lie and we should just reject it, we also have a culture that expects women to do things naturally. Be a natural beauty. Think about all the skincare advertisements you see. You’ll just look naturally flawless. A natural homemaker. A natural mom. It just doesn’t work that way, ladies. It doesn’t. It’s unrealistic, perfectionist society garbage that I think we should all just reject here and now together. Let’s just do it.
Now that you know that wanting and enjoying it is something that you have to learn about, I encourage you to take one little step forward in this regard. Nothing big and scary and awkward and uncomfortable, I promise.
I have a quiz for you, called the Four Desire Fixes. This will give you a customized little step that you can take in the right direction to learn about yourself in a really healthy way. And take responsibility and feel empowered and all that wonderful, wonderful, great stuff that you never received when you should have received it.
I do have a program called the Wanting It More program. It’s not open right now, and I absolutely encourage you to check it out when it is. But this is the best first step. Click here to take the quiz, and I will see you in your inbox with a personalized video from me, just for you.
I will see you there.