Today I'm so excited to come here and talk to you about how to start a sexual experience.
You might want to be intimate together, you might set aside some time to do it but the common struggle is how do you begin? It can feel really awkward and uncomfortable because nobody's taught you how to do it.
In this blog, I am going to talk about my favorite ways to begin a sexual experience. And we’ll also talk about ways to start sex that the women I work with really enjoy.
So before I get into that, my name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex coach for women, married to men who don't want or enjoy sex very much. And if that's you, then welcome to my world, it's great to be here with you.
I will try to talk about sex in a way that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable or icky, although our culture has done a pretty great job of instilling those feelings in us.
In my journey of improving my sex life and the lives of those around me, I have found some favorite ways of getting into the swing of things.
Here’s exactly how I like to do it:
First, make sure you eat and drink something! You want to go into the experience with everything you need and what you DON’T need is low blood sugar or feeling dehydrated. You want to have all the resources you can to support you if you are needing a reset or feeling frustrated or have moments of tricky communication. Make sure to take care of the practical things because they can be easy to forget about!
Second, I like to make sure we're clean. A good shower, brushing your teeth and cleaning up so that you and your husband aren't worried about smelling or having bad breath can do wonders. Bodies can have lots of fun smells and we want to make sure that we highlight the good ones. I don't particularly like showering together before a sexual experience but afterwards I do enjoy it. You do what works for you!
Next, I love to talk. In my line of work, I have found that women have been often told that talking and touching shouldn't go hand in hand. It should be a silent, passionate, gropey, moving, kind of experience. But I don't think that's the case. I think that you can definitely talk a lot. I like to talk about things that are on my mind. If I'm experiencing any anxiety, I like to talk about that.
This is your partner. This is your person that you're doing life with. So why does there have to be this weird barrier between outside life and intimate experiences in the bedroom? So permission to snuggle and talk.
I also love to hear words of affirmation. Why does my husband love me? What does he think about my vulva? What does he think about my body? And if I lead that conversation, then I'm always comfortable and always ready to hear the response. If he's like, "You're so beautiful, you're so sensual," and I'm not ready for that, it's not a turn on. I like to be in control and ask the questions and I encourage you to do that as well. Try asking things like this, "What do you love about me? Why do you think I'm so great? Do you think I'm successful? Are you proud of me? Am I important in your life? Do you value me? Are you excited to be on a team with me?" Those kinds of things are so good to start off the experience. Who doesn’t want to start off the experience feeling fully empowered and connected?
Lastly, you need to set an intention for the experience. This is something that I have been learning more about and I'm sharing with the women in the Wanting it More Program. I love being intentional. If we aren’t intentional, we slip so quickly into having the intention that the world puts on the sexual experience, which is orgasm and penetration. Contrary to what the world says, I do not think that a great sexual experience is just those two things. I actually think that is absolutely ridiculous.
In my last sexual experience with my husband, we set the intention of just being together. How infrequently are we just together? Usually you're separate, doing your own work or taking turns taking care of the kids. One person's off shopping, one person's at home. Maybe you're even doing something together but there's a lot of distractions. There are a lot of demands on you and your time. And having that time to just be together, without pressure, without expectations, without goals...that is a great intention!
I hope you’re feeling encouraged and even excited to start your next sexual experience with the tools I have given you here.
Take care of the practical things like food and water and being comfortable and clean. Because the sexual experience is about pleasure and not performance, make sure you feel comfortable and clean. There is no wrong way to go about it. Wear your favorite comfy robe if you want. Or maybe you are most comfortable when you are naked. Remember that pleasure is the goal.
You have permission to be fully you in the sexual experience. You can talk and touch at the same time. When you come as your full self with your concerns and worries and excitements and curiosities, go ahead and talk about them. Doesn’t that take so much pressure off just thinking about that?
Ask for words of affirmations, words of encouragement, loving kind sweet words. Talk about the big picture and how you feel about each other. Talk about what you're proud of each other for. Talk about what you are excited about in the future together. This is an opportunity to celebrate the wonderful stuff of your relationship.
And lastly, set an intention for your experience. That can be just being together or to experience pleasure. Maybe it’s to explore how sexuality can be, or to feel very sacred and special in your relationship, or maybe it’s to have an orgasm. I mean, if that's your intention, just say it out loud and let everybody know what's going on.
I encourage you to try a few of these. Let me know below what your favorite way to start the sexual experience is. It should be in a way that it feels honoring and special and takes care of those practical necessities.
Take the 4 Desire Fixes Quiz to find out how to take sex off your to-do list.