IN THIS EPISODE:

On today’s podcast episode I’m offering the audio version of my popular free class, “The Truth About Women’s Libido: Why Everything You’ve Tried Hasn’t Worked and What To Do Instead.” Listen to understand the steps required to co-create a sex life that both partners can look forward to.

REFERENCES:

Janna’s Programs: Doing It Together, Wanting It More Foundations, Intro Videos for Men & Women

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:

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Welcome to the truth about women’s Libido, why everything you’ve Tried Hasn’t worked and what to do instead. My name is Janet Dentonhaus, and I’m in a bit of a feisty mood, so we’ll see how this class goes. It’s absolutely wonderful to be here with you. We’ve got some folks live and I’m sure we have a lot

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More people listening to the recording and I think I’m actually going to upload this to the podcast too, so if you’re, no matter where you are, thank you for being here

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And I’m so excited that you’re interested in learning more about this really important topic

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in the class to answer your questions. But if you type it while I’m talking, I won’t be able to pay attention to it so either write it down in a journal, maybe get a piece of paper and a pen or keep it in your head because it will come pretty quickly and then we’ll have no questions and then I’ll just move on quickly.

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Be prepared for that moment.

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We, before we hit record, we were talking a little bit about where everyone is from. It seems like

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Alive anyways, a lot of people from the United States of America and Canada and Dubai

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And then some men solo and some women solo

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Oh, and we’ve also got South Africa. Fantastic. I actually visited South Africa. Beautiful country.

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Italy, okay, 12 years, 25 years, 25, 33, 14, 21, 25, 10 years, 30 years.

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six years from Toronto, 18 years, 8, 25. Okay, it’s a mix today. That’s exciting. So we’ve got some, you know, early, early-ish years of marriage. I mean, is 8 really early? No, I’ll give you credit. You’re not

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You’ve done your share of work, and all the way up to, what, 30 years

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Okay

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That’s a good mix. 25. All right.

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I wish I had you all in a room and I could see your faces, but it’s actually helpful to not do that because who would come to a class about sex when you had to stare at somebody across the room

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Before we dive into something that I’m sure you want fixed in your relationship, I’d like to focus on what is working well in your relationship. And we can actually learn from that.

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We do pretty good. Our communication is good, parenting is good, we have fun together, we travel. But there’s just one thing in our relationship that if we could get sorted would really help us and that is sex.

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So before we get into fixing that piece, I’d love to know if you’re here live, what works well in your relationship right now? Is it parenting? Is it sort of household management? Do you share a faith and find connection through that

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Do you love traveling? Do you, are you vulnerable with each other? Just think about your relationship right now, whether you’re here as a couple or solo, what

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Maintaining household stuff

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Just rubbing along nicely together, it’s adorable. Supporting each other through hard things, shared faith, ministry, children, your recent empty nesters after eight children. Wow, that is a huge transition. I’m in the middle of that transition right now, personally.

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Projects, parenting, household, business, non-judgmental conversations about our thoughts. Fantastic. So if you’re listening to the recording, please just take a moment and pause and write down what’s working well in your relationship. My goal

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Sometimes it’s more, sometimes less, but you could basically play on the conversation because it sounds the same

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He is feeling rejected, not important, not a priority, and she is feeling broken, like a failure, guilty, but then also resentful. And then you go back and forth and trying to figure out a solution, but you’re actually just really blaming each other. You don’t do the dishes enough

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You aren’t thinking about my needs enough. Anyone familiar with that lovely scenario here live

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It’s real fun. I experienced that and it’s frustrating and you’re trying your best, everyone’s trying your best, everyone is well-intentioned, you’re trying to find support, and it’s hard to find. Okay, so totally 100%, 100%.

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Wasn’t just me

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So let’s get grounded in what this class is for, who it’s for, and what we’re going to talk about today. My name is Jana Denton Howes.

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A specialist in helping couples in which the wife wants sex less than the husband

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I am a trained marriage coach and I have been working in this specialty for the last 10 years with thousands of couples and individuals. I host a well-known podcast doing it together, and I also run a program with the same name, Doing It Together

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And it’s one of the only programs I know of that offers specialized support for men and women separately. So as you’ll see in this class, we look a lot at gender and culture and socialization. And we just need different things when it comes to fixing our sex life and co-creating something that we can all look

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forward to. I will talk a little bit about that program towards the end for about 6 minutes, because we are starting another round of it in early October.

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So in this class, my intention is to dispel some big myths about women’s libido that I unfortunately see taught everywhere so that you can understand what’s happening in your relationship and

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Focus your conversations and energy towards what’s really going on to give you that sex life that you both want. No more wasting time and energy on things that don’t work

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And I want to address something before we get started. If you’ve been married for a while, and this has been an issue in your relationship for some time, I understand that it may feel hopeless.

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I often get emails from people saying, is it even worth it? We’ve been married for 25 plus years and maybe we’re just not compatible or maybe we’re just, we’re just stuck, and that is just something we’re going to have to accept

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And I understand that that can even be worse if you’ve tried a lot of things. I seem to specialize in helping people who have tried all the things, so counseling, couple, individual work

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Courses, programs, podcasts, books, try techniques and lingerie and spicing it up and porn and erotica and scheduling sex and date night and wine and

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All the things that don’t actually come up with anything

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Changed. So if you’re here live, I’d love to know

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If you’ve tried anything, are you at that stage where you are really tired of the late night Googling? I guess now it’s late night chat GPT-ing. And you know you really want some solutions. So I’m here to offer you

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There is a lot of hope, and I often work with couples in this situation

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And you’ll see why in this class, why so many couples are really struggling. And that is what I want to offer as well. You are not alone.

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You may think that you’re the only couple not having great sex. You may think that your neighbors are doing good, and your friends, and everyone is just having frequent hot sex. It’s not or it’s not. It’s just that nobody’s talking about it, and even people who may brag or make little subtle

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comments which are so unhelpful. They’re often not having great sex. Maybe they’re having sex that mimics the media sex formula, but that isn’t actually satisfying and fulfilling, and there’s a lot of performance involved.

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In my own research and understanding just in the past 10 years, I estimate about 50 to 60% of heterosexual couples are dealing with sexual challenges, but honestly, I think it’s even better. It’s even greater than that.

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So here’s another one of my hope for you in this class. This isn’t about getting back to what you had before. And that can really get keep you stuck in why has things changed? How do we have more, you know, intensity or more newness or more

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Freshness like we did in the beginning. I will say the couples I support, about 50% of them used to have something like that, and now it’s changed, but 50% of them just never really got off on a good foot when it came to sex

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So if you’re in either camp, you’re welcome here. We will be addressing things, but I really, at the start of this class, want to invite you to to something new, something better, something more

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Suited to where you are now in your life because you’ve changed and progressed in your relationship has changed and matured as well

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So let me ask you this. Just at the start of a class about sex

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Why have sex

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What’s the point of it?

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What

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What is the outcome that you’re hoping for?

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And if it’s to just make your husband happy, if you’re a woman here, you can say that too. You can just be honest about that. That’s often what I hear

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But in general.

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Why is sex a thing for couples beyond having babies? Obviously, that’s not what this class is for.

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Let me know in the chat

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Sharing intimate physical pleasure, okay?

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What else? Feel closer

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Connection

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Any other reasons? Connection

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Connection

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Expression of love and giving of self to each other, being close, having fun, feeling good

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Making your partner feel good closeness, connection. Okay

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So we’ve heard connection repeat again and again

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And that is often what I’ll hear in classes.

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Used to do separate classes for men and women, and it was always so cool for me to see that even though men and women in this space feel like they’re in totally two different places

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Everyone’s saying connection. Some form of connection

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This is important because as we move through the class, we’ll be coming back to this moment.

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Because often what I find is that sex has the purpose of sex, the outcome of sex has deviated from this

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in this original intention, which is connection. I also like to add fun, because life is freaking hard, and we need to have some fun in our life

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But in order for it to be fun, there needs some… there are some requirements for the sexual experience that we’re going to be exploring in this class as well.

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So if sex has not felt like connection and it has not felt like fun

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you were never given the right education around sex. In fact, the opposite is true. You were given the wrong information, and you continue to be given the wrong information through media and other sources of advice, so it’s not your

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fault. This isn’t about blaming somebody. This isn’t about who has done what wrong and oh, well, you don’t know how to touch me well, and oh, but you are just traumatized from your past, like, why don’t we put that down for now

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And look at a really messed up culture and a lack of mentorship, and a lack of support that is put us both where we are now.

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So it’s you as a couple against the world, against a culture that has let you both down, and that, I hope, offers some compassion for you and for your partner as we move through this class

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It makes sense if sex has not felt easy for you. It makes sense that if talking about sex is hard, it makes sense if you struggle to create sexual experiences that you would both look forward to.

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No, you weren’t given this information from your parents

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From school, I mean, where were you given it? You got nothing and you had to completely figuring it out on your own, so no wonder it’s difficult. So let’s just all

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Have a deep breath, okay? No one’s gonna be blamed here

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And you still want to make changes in your relationship. So I’m going to be very blunt, and I’m going to be very honest with you, because even if this is a free class, I still want you to get the main message and go away with more information and more ability to have conversations with each other

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Before we get into the truth about women’s libido, I want to define libido as I’m using it in this class today.

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So my definition is a desire to engage sexually, the desire, the wanting, the decision

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I’m not talking about arousal, I’m not talking about blood flow to the or tingly sensation or horniness or getting in the mood. I’m talking about

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The mental desire, the mental wanting, the mental experience of making a choice to engage sexually. And when I say sexually, I’m not talking about any specific sex

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Often in our culture, we say sex and we hear intercourse and male orgasm.

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What I’m talking about is an exploration of pleasure, of curiosity, which may or may not involve the because we have a whole body that has all sorts of sensations

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So with that foundation, so we’re all on the same page. The purpose of sex is connection. What we’re talking about here is a desire to engage sexually with sexually not being any specific sex acts. Let’s get into the first

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Truth

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A woman’s Libido does not depend on her biology. Her desire and fondness of sex does not depend on hormones.

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So sure, bodies change, menopause may interfere with arousal and vaginal dryness

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But that doesn’t matter if you’re having sex worth wanting, if you’re having good sex, because good sex is flexible and it doesn’t depend on any specific sexual acts to be good.

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Often I’ll hear women say, well, I can’t, I’m going through menopause or I’ve had some hormonal changes or sex is painful for whatever reason, and so I’m not having nor wanting sex

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Well, sex can be a whole bunch of different things, and what a shame that we’ve narrowed it down to such a box where people are like, well, either we fit in that box or we do nothing. And that connection, which we all agreed on in the beginning, which is the intention of pleasure

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There’s no opportunity for that

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So let’s really ground into that. It’s connection, it’s mutual pleasure, it’s fun, and that can be achieved in a variety of ways, slow, sensual, touch, silly, playful experiences. You can laugh, you can be, you can joke

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But that’s just not what we see on TV, and so we think that we’re all broken because we’re not wanting that. Well, you’re only going to want something that’s worth wanting, that gives you something in your life

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Furthermore

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Like I mentioned before, the desire to have sex can stem from your mind, a desire to be close, to share a special experience, to relax, to have fun, to be playful, to connect. It can be a decision

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And a choice, as long as she has something that she looks forward to. And so, for the men listening, I’m going to challenge you here because I often hear men

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Tell me, well, my wife doesn’t want sex because she’s in menopause

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And I’m going to challenge you here, and I’m going to say your wife doesn’t want sex because there isn’t sex worth wanting being offered to her. And that is a cultural problem. That is what you both have been taught about what makes good sex

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Which is

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Usually centered around men’s pleasure.

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The common advice to navigate away from relying on arousal, being in the mood, horny feelings to initiate a sexual experience and move towards sex

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Being a decision is to schedule a sex, so I’m curious if anybody here has

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tried this fun business. Have you tried to schedule sex? Yes. And how did it go

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Because usually what happens is a shutdown of desire. Why? Because it is pressure, and pressure kills desire. Anything that you’re doing for connection and fun, imagine putting a weight on it

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You have to do it at a certain time, but not only that, you have to do certain specific sexual acts for it to count. Your body has to work, you have to show up as a performance, you have to feel sexy for it, and life doesn’t often provide that kind of environment for women

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Women take on most of the mental and emotional load at home. They take on a disproportionate amount of housework and child rearing and caregiving, and they often work outside the home as well. I don’t think we can argue that

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We aren’t at a stage in history where we actually have true equal partnerships, so women are exhausted. And the last thing that is going to work is take sex and put it on the chore list, a duty

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So for scheduling to work

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And I do teach a form of structured intimacy in my program. Those elements, those goals, that pressure, that need for a certain outcome to happen has to be gone

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And it takes 6 weeks in my program for us to work up to be able to do this because you have to unlearn so much cultural messaging around sex to be able to get to the place where you have enough safety and the right container for you to do this.

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And then it can be an intimacy heartbeat in your relationship. But there are no shortcuts to that. So this is where you can start. Take goals off the table

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and only have intentions. And because we started in the beginning with talking about sexes for connection, look at sex and say, the only reason that we’re going to go into the bedroom or wherever you feel safe and comfortable

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is to explore some mutual pleasure and connection together. It’s not to stick a in a , it’s not to have a few seconds of muscle contractions and call that connection. You can’t do that. It’s not, you know, we got to touch , we got to kiss

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The breast got to be groped, the bum has to be touched. You can’t do that. It really has to be about that intention of connection.

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And

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I want to pause here because a lot of times people say, well, sex gives you connection. No, or whatever you’re defining as connected, you can’t. So many women tell me that, yeah, they have , but they don’t feel connected

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And so that’s not connection. If one person is feeling it and the other person isn’t. What it is, I believe, is a celebration of connection. So you’re practicing all of those pieces of trust and mutuality and listening and vulnerability, and that is what moves into that

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feeling of being connected, so that intention needs to be there

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So really what you’re doing is making sure that every movement, every touch, everything that is said contributes to that

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So let’s go back to the truth. A woman’s Libido is not a butter of biology, it’s about having experiences that enhance her life that she can genuinely look forward to, and that’s just human nature. Like, I love rollerblading. Sometimes I’m a little bit tired and it’s a little bit cold out

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But I know I love rollerblading. I’ve had great experiences in the past, and I’ve created an environment in my life so that rollerblading is very pleasurable for me. I wear the right type of clothing, I go somewhere right by the ocean. It’s nice and flat, there aren’t too many rocks on the sidewalk. I

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pop in some, you know, happy folk playlist because that’s my jam. Anyone else here Noah Kahn fan? That’s where I want to go. I don’t listen to business podcast. I prioritize my pleasure in the experience. Sometimes I don’t want to get in the car and drive down and go for a rollerblade, but I

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But I remember the joy, I remember the pleasure, and that’s what has me go and do that activity. So that’s what Libido is about, ultimately.

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Okay, so I’m going to pause here and take a sip of water

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And let’s see if there are any questions up until now.

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I’m just going to read a couple comments. I waited until marriage, so I feel really cheated right now because it’s not enjoyable and causes so much stress. You are not alone.

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That is what a lot of women tell me

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All right.

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I know it’s kind of hard to type out, think of a question and type out a question. So I think I’m going to move forward and you can put that in the chat and then I can scroll

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And read it for the next break in the class

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All right, so

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Second truth, a woman’s Libido doesn’t have to do with love.

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I hear women all the time who say

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I love my husband, but I don’t want to have sex with them. Anyone here feel that way if you’re a woman? And that is confusing.

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And I also hear men say, I don’t feel loved when she doesn’t want to have sex with me.

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The reason why we’re confused about this is because in our culture we have equated sex with love

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Which honestly doesn’t make sense because of the high number of one-night stands and hookup culture and TV. But here’s the main message. If a woman loves a man, she will want to jump his bones.

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We love our partners and we don’t always want to do everything with them

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That’s just the reality. And the problem with this is the pressure that sex equals love places on sex does the absolute opposite of the intention.

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So I’m sure you’ll start seeing a theme here. Pressure doesn’t work

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And so we need to

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We need to decouple this belief that love equals sex and sex equals love.

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Imagine this. Imagine if we connected

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love with eating together.

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Well, what if one day you had an upset stomach and no appetite and didn’t like what was being cooked

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But if you thought, well, my partner won’t feel loved if I don’t eat this food, then you’re probably going to force yourself to eat the food, you’re going to eat food that your body isn’t wanting, and it’s going to create an aversion to food

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And this is what I’m seeing happening with women

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So we need to decouple this, and we need to say.

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Sex is actually a

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want in a relationship, it is not a need. There are many couples who have chosen mutually to not have sex, and they are okay. They love each other. They express it. They’re there for one another

00:27:17.000 –> 00:27:33.000
I am somebody who has dedicated my life to helping couples have wonderful, connected, pleasurable sex, and I am saying that the only way to get there is to see sex as optional in a relationship, because otherwise

00:27:33.000 –> 00:27:48.000
It’s going to have that obligatory piece to it all the time. It doesn’t matter what you do together, you have to do that together. And just that thought, which I call the marriage-sex contract

00:27:48.000 –> 00:27:52.000
Is going to create that pressure.

00:27:52.000 –> 00:27:57.000
So, if love doesn’t increase a woman’s desire for sex

00:27:57.000 –> 00:28:01.000
If that has nothing to do with it, what does

00:28:01.000 –> 00:28:12.000
I’m curious. This is a big question everyone is wanting to know. How do we increase Libido in women? How do we want it more? How do I get my wife to want it more?

00:28:12.000 –> 00:28:26.000
So if you’re here live, I’d love to know what do you think it is

00:28:26.000 –> 00:28:33.000
Any guesses?

00:28:33.000 –> 00:28:39.000
Yeah, let’s just take some guesses.

00:28:39.000 –> 00:28:44.000
What can increase a woman’s Libido? Emotional safety?

00:28:44.000 –> 00:28:52.000
Huh, feeling heard, respected, and having my partner truly present with me for the majority of our time around each other.

00:28:52.000 –> 00:28:56.000
That is a woman who knows what she needs

00:28:56.000 –> 00:29:06.000
We’ve got someone who’s listened to all the episodes of the podcast. I think you should have a gold star. I think there’s like 204 now

00:29:06.000 –> 00:29:08.000
So she knows

00:29:08.000 –> 00:29:15.000
Physical attraction, less stress, the more going on, the less I want, no pressure, okay.

00:29:15.000 –> 00:29:24.000
It is safety, hands down, after 10 years of working in this field, working with thousands of couples, thousands of women and men

00:29:24.000 –> 00:29:27.000
It boils down to safety

00:29:27.000 –> 00:29:42.000
And if you listen to only one thing in this class, please pay attention to this. It is not love, it is not physical attraction, it is not more . It is not spicing things up. It is not reading

00:29:42.000 –> 00:29:53.000
erotica. It is not finding the best vibrator. It’s safety. And when I say safety, sometimes I can have

00:29:53.000 –> 00:29:57.000
People get a little bit

00:29:57.000 –> 00:30:14.000
Their feathers are a little bit ruffled with this, because you want to think, well, my husband’s a safe guy, or I’m a safe guy. What are you talking about? Safety is a spectrum, and I work with couples who are like you. They are doing well in other areas of their life. They love each other

00:30:14.000 –> 00:30:29.000
They’re committed. They do projects together. They help each other out. They’re teammates or cheerleaders. And yet, because of culture, because of the messages that we have received as a woman, as a man

00:30:29.000 –> 00:30:41.000
We really are not… we’re missing the mark when it comes to safety, and that’s why we have 50 to 60% of heterosexual couples having troubles in the bedroom.

00:30:41.000 –> 00:30:58.000
So sex is about fun and pleasure and connection. Let’s use a outside example of something else that is fun and exhilarating to illustrate safety. So I’ve recently gone zip lining. So that’s on my mind. Curious if everyone has been

00:30:58.000 –> 00:31:04.000
Ziplining before, but maybe let’s say taking a roller coaster, anything pretty fun and thrilling.

00:31:04.000 –> 00:31:17.000
But just imagine if you didn’t know if the harness was on correctly or if there were no safety checks being done. Imagine if halfway through the buckle came loose

00:31:17.000 –> 00:31:26.000
Is it fun? Is it pleasurable? Is it enjoyable anymore? No. Immediately, the fun is gone.

00:31:26.000 –> 00:31:42.000
And this is what I’m seeing in couples. They’re trying, they’re doing all the outside things that sex is supposed to be, and yet because this foundation isn’t there, it’s not working. So there’s anxiety, there’s dread

00:31:42.000 –> 00:31:48.000
There’s miscommunication, there’s hurt, there is trauma

00:31:48.000 –> 00:31:52.000
And nobody knows that this is what’s lurking there all along

00:31:52.000 –> 00:32:10.000
So, in order for a woman to want to enjoy sex, she needs… she needs to know 3 things in particular around safety. Number one, she won’t be touched without her consent, and I’m going to go into each one more specifically. Number 2, her no will be listened to without repercussions, and number 3

00:32:10.000 –> 00:32:13.000
She won’t be coerced into having sex.

00:32:13.000 –> 00:32:31.000
Would I mean that she won’t be touched without her consent is that every touch she receives is an enthusiastic yes for her. How many times have I heard women say that their husband slaps them on the even though she has asked multiple times for that not to happen

00:32:31.000 –> 00:32:47.000
Or he grabs her breasts, or he sticks his tongue in her mouth, or lots of stuff going on. This is the cultural message that women’s bodies are for men’s enjoyment. Maybe she comes out of the

00:32:47.000 –> 00:33:04.000
Shower and he’s oogling at her. That doesn’t feel good, that does not feel safe. So this is very challenging because these are the cultural messages that are running in the background for both of us. So women listening, if you have this cultural message and you’re

00:33:04.000 –> 00:33:12.000
Gonna say no, or you’re gonna be, like, tremendously guilty to say no. And, be very clear about what you need.

00:33:12.000 –> 00:33:14.000
So

00:33:14.000 –> 00:33:31.000
Couples will navigate this in different ways. And when I work with couples, we talk about what’s going to be best for your unique situation. Sometimes women will initiate all touch for a period of time. Sometimes they

00:33:31.000 –> 00:33:45.000
We’ll share very specifically what they like and what they don’t like, so there’s no question. But you still need to work on being okay when that no is given, because there can be a lot of feelings of rejection

00:33:45.000 –> 00:33:52.000
But without safety, you’re just not moving forward to co-creating a mutual experience that everyone is going to look forward to.

00:33:52.000 –> 00:33:56.000
Safety increases desire

00:33:56.000 –> 00:34:11.000
And then what I mean by her no will be listened to without repercussions is exactly that, so just humans have preferences. Some like to drink water, some don’t like to drink water, some like to drink cold water or warm water or hot water. Hot water

00:34:11.000 –> 00:34:22.000
With the teabag in it, lemon, right? We’re allowed to have preferences. Some of you like very specific types of ice. That is okay, that is human.

00:34:22.000 –> 00:34:39.000
Our preferences can also change sometimes by the hour, and not wanting a certain touch or needing adjustments, it’s just being human. It’s not a rejection of her partner. But unfortunately, some women will experience repercussions when they share their preferences

00:34:39.000 –> 00:34:55.000
Their partner sulking, withdrawing, getting angry, or withholding emotional support. And this is going to decrease Libido, decrease desire. She needs the safety of knowing that she is free to be human and need and want

00:34:55.000 –> 00:35:04.000
Different things at different times. This is a basic human right that is afforded to everybody in the relationship

00:35:04.000 –> 00:35:21.000
And then lastly, the woman needs to find her voice, which has been shut down by culture. It is a very courageous journey to start identifying your preferences and sharing them, and a simple place to start if you’d like an actionable step, if you’re a woman listening

00:35:21.000 –> 00:35:36.000
Is number one, just recognizing that you do have preferences. So this is outside of the sexual experience. This is in your everyday life. Notice how you like to drink your water, for example. Do you have a specific water bottle?

00:35:36.000 –> 00:35:42.000
Feel good in your hands? Do you not like a certain type? Maybe you don’t like the straw, but you like the wide open mouth

00:35:42.000 –> 00:35:56.000
Okay, you do have preferences, you like maybe soft cotton pajamas, but you don’t like silk ones, maybe you like to sleep with the window open. Just start to acknowledge, I am human and I have preferences

00:35:56.000 –> 00:36:01.000
And then you can take it a step further and really start to wonder what

00:36:01.000 –> 00:36:17.000
What works for you, what foods do you enjoy, what clothing do you like, what brings you joy, what don’t you like? That’s even more important, actually, than what you do like. And then also, how does your system change throughout the day

00:36:17.000 –> 00:36:36.000
Because when it comes to the sexual experience, you have been taught by culture that you are not allowed to have preferences. That whatever your husband likes is what you should like. Whatever you see on TV is what you should like, and that all women like their breasts being touched, their nipples pinch, their butts slapped

00:36:36.000 –> 00:36:51.000
Intercourse, a inside you, all women like to have orgasms, all women like to give blowjobs, and if you don’t, then there’s something wrong with you. I am here to solidly say, after working with thousands of women, most women don’t like those things

00:36:51.000 –> 00:36:55.000
They like other things and it starts here.

00:36:55.000 –> 00:37:10.000
For the men listening who want a practical step towards moving towards safety is becoming aware of the pressure that you may be placing on sex to feel loved, to feel valued, and to feel appreciated.

00:37:10.000 –> 00:37:29.000
And this is because you have been stripped away by culture of other tools and resources to get those needs met in other places other than sex. Just like women have been stripped away from their ability to determine what they like and their preferences.

00:37:29.000 –> 00:37:45.000
Just going back to that for a minute, if you’re a woman, or if you’re a man listening, you may recognize in your wife that when you ask her, what do you want? What do you like? I’ll do anything you want. She’ll probably say, I don’t know, I have no idea. Anyone listening here

00:37:45.000 –> 00:38:00.000
Experience that is quite frustrating. That’s because culture has stripped you away from that ability to determine that you even have preferences, and then it’s safe to express them. So going back to men, this is in your emotional space

00:38:00.000 –> 00:38:15.000
There is a lot of pressure on sex to provide stress relief, anxiety relief, again, to feel loved. So a good first step to relieve the pressure on sex and to create a safer environment

00:38:15.000 –> 00:38:33.000
It’s to start taking responsibility and accountability and awareness of your emotions. And the first step to do that is, number one, just like women had to acknowledge they had preferences, you need to acknowledge that you have emotions because culture has taught you that you are only allowed to feel mad

00:38:33.000 –> 00:38:35.000
And glad

00:38:35.000 –> 00:38:51.000
sometimes sad, but mostly not, so you’re just allowed mad and glad, but you can see here in this emotions wheel that there are so many human emotions that you may be feeling. And the first step is to identify them. So if you’re feeling things in your body

00:38:51.000 –> 00:39:11.000
If you’re feeling the warm flush or a tingling or tightness in your throat or a sinking feeling in your stomach, you can go to a feelings wheel like this one. Just type it into Google, you’ll find it, and identify that you are having an emotion. That is a great place to start

00:39:11.000 –> 00:39:22.000
Coercion, this is the last on the 3 that I shared. Coercion into having sex is often subtle, but it definitely impacts a woman’s libido

00:39:22.000 –> 00:39:37.000
And this sounds like if you love me, you’d have sex with me, you’re ignoring my needs, is it my fault that I want my wife? You’re the only one I can do this with. I guess we’ll never have sex again, and I shouldn’t have to pressure you

00:39:37.000 –> 00:39:52.000
This stems from the cultural message that sex is for men. And it serves to reinforce this message because the result is women wanting sex less. So if a woman’s Libido doesn’t have to do with how much she loves her husband

00:39:52.000 –> 00:40:08.000
But it is impacted by how safe she feels, then what can a couple do? Well, you can start here. You can start with the feelings, and you can start with the preferences, and you can start with being aware if you’re the man

00:40:08.000 –> 00:40:12.000
Are you using coercive language to

00:40:12.000 –> 00:40:28.000
unintentionally get what you want because that is the place where you feel desperate for love and connection and belonging and support, which makes sense, but it’s not what sex is ultimately for, because what we talked about in the beginning

00:40:28.000 –> 00:40:33.000
Sex is ultimately for mutual pleasure and connection.

00:40:33.000 –> 00:40:34.000
Okay

00:40:34.000 –> 00:40:42.000
So let’s I’m just going to scroll here for a second in the chat and see if there has been anything

00:40:42.000 –> 00:40:55.000
That I can comment on, and if you’d like, you can put some more questions in the chat

00:40:55.000 –> 00:41:03.000
He says to plan or initiate or ask for sex makes it feel like he is taking without consent.

00:41:03.000 –> 00:41:21.000
Yes, so that is definitely what I help couples navigate is initiation. Who’s going to initiate, and what feels the safest in order to do that, and that’s really great to have an agreement between you, so that’s something that you could talk about

00:41:21.000 –> 00:41:36.000
To a guy, this can feel friend-zoned, platonic love. I get that. I understand it. And I want you to remember that I am here to help you have better sex. It’s not that we’re saying don’t have sex. It’s that the path

00:41:36.000 –> 00:41:41.000
To good sex, which is mutual and connected and safe

00:41:41.000 –> 00:41:56.000
In order to get there, it cannot be an obligation. There has to be complete freedom and choice. So it’s not saying we’re not going to have sex. It’s that the path to get there, you need to be able to, it’s a paradox, right? You need to

00:41:56.000 –> 00:42:12.000
Be able to take it off the table and find connection and joy and love and self-fulfillment in other ways so that sex is a want, it’s an icing on the cake, it’s a fun extracurricular activity that can be

00:42:12.000 –> 00:42:29.000
Free, you can be curious, you can explore, you can have joy around, and there is not weight on it, the duty and the obligation, and you know if you don’t have sex with me, then I’m gonna take off or I’m gonna watch or I’m gonna cheat on you

00:42:29.000 –> 00:42:36.000
Right? This is really basic stuff, but this is what I’m seeing happening in a lot of bedrooms

00:42:36.000 –> 00:42:52.000
Sex is mostly pleasurable, but I don’t like how I look anymore and there’s always so much going on that I can’t turn off my brain. I do a lot better on vacation with no kids, but even then I’m still thinking about what’s going on at home and everything, and everyone is taking care of. Yeah

00:42:52.000 –> 00:43:08.000
It’s another element that I definitely support women on, and that is the cultural expectation of what sex is supposed to look like, and that we’re not supposed to be thinking about our to-do list, that we aren’t supposed to be tired, that we aren’t supposed to be struggling with our body image

00:43:08.000 –> 00:43:18.000
But what if we’re allowed to be absolutely human in the sexual experience, and that’s what I explore with women in the program

00:43:18.000 –> 00:43:28.000
All right. Do you feel the safety factor changes or is weighted differently from the early days of a relationship honeymoon to when it’s more established relationship? That’s a fantastic question.

00:43:28.000 –> 00:43:33.000
So my opinion on that is that

00:43:33.000 –> 00:43:46.000
In the beginning of a relationship, there’s so much more going on, so we can’t discredit the level of hormones, but then also the level of

00:43:46.000 –> 00:44:02.000
Wanting to be wanted from the woman’s end, wanting that feeling of love and connection. If you listen to my podcast, I talk to women about the early days of their sexual relationships, and you’ll hear a thread and a theme throughout it, which is, I wanted to be liked

00:44:02.000 –> 00:44:08.000
I wanted to have a boyfriend and that often shows up as air quotes here.

00:44:08.000 –> 00:44:10.000
Higher Libido

00:44:10.000 –> 00:44:16.000
But the challenge with the safety thing is that

00:44:16.000 –> 00:44:32.000
Is that excitement and fear are very similar in the body, and after listening to hundreds of stories, thousands of stories at this point, the connection I’m making is that women actually feel

00:44:32.000 –> 00:44:38.000
fearful in the beginning of their relationships, but it’s translating into

00:44:38.000 –> 00:44:55.000
The sensation of excitement in their body. So I think I know that safety is an issue all the way up from the early days of a relationship until later. I don’t think it changes. It just the situation and the environment

00:44:55.000 –> 00:45:11.000
is changing. When I have women look back, we do this in the program, they look back at their early days of their sexual experiences and with their current partners as well. We’ll also see these threads in there

00:45:11.000 –> 00:45:27.000
Okay. If sex is an incredibly important part of a marriage for a husband, is it really possible to totally remove the pressure and create lasting safety? It seems like there will be a clock ticking for things to become sexual and pressure for the wife to get to the point where she actually wants it. Absolutely. So

00:45:27.000 –> 00:45:41.000
in a call recently, I had a woman tell me that her therapist before doing the program had said, hey, you need to take sex off the table, and she’d asked her husband, how long could you last, really? And he said 5 years.

00:45:41.000 –> 00:45:56.000
And what made me realize when she shared that is that it doesn’t matter how long it is, it could be 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, the clock starts ticking and all of the prerequisites for great sex, which is

00:45:56.000 –> 00:46:08.000
freedom and safety and curiosity and openness, they go out the window. And what’s replaced is duty and pity and obligation and guilt, which is not conducive to desire

00:46:08.000 –> 00:46:12.000
So that is why I work so

00:46:12.000 –> 00:46:20.000
directly and honestly, and why I’m so open in this class about what’s actually going on and what needs to shift

00:46:20.000 –> 00:46:32.000
So it is a paradox, and it is a tricky situation. I get it, but we can ignore that that obligation will always create the pressure.

00:46:32.000 –> 00:46:48.000
Would you agree or disagree that romance invariably leads to physical intimacy, that romance contains a drive to be together physically and emotionally? You might say this is what culture has taught us, but as I think about my understanding of the word romance, that seems like an important core piece

00:46:48.000 –> 00:46:55.000
So when the woman takes physical intimacy away from the relationship, it can feel like the rules have changed and the relationship is a convenience.

00:46:55.000 –> 00:47:18.000
So I understand that you think that women are taking sex away from the relationship. I have never seen that happen. This is not a manipulation or a choice on her part. It is, I feel physically sick when I think about sex. I feel dread in my body. I feel anxiety in my body. If I do it one more time, I’m going to traumatize myself

00:47:18.000 –> 00:47:35.000
The point of no return, so we’re not talking about I’m gonna take it or give it. That’s not what’s happening. That’s just not the truth. So when you say romance, I actually am just starting to write sex scenes and if you saw my last email, I am dabbling in that

00:47:35.000 –> 00:47:47.000
And so, I would say I’m pretty good at romance. And I will say romance is safety. Without a shadow of a doubt, you want to create a hot sex scene that

00:47:47.000 –> 00:47:50.000
That makes a woman, like, quiver and

00:47:50.000 –> 00:48:02.000
really get into it, you put so much safety, you put so much consent in there, you put so much slowness and attunement and

00:48:02.000 –> 00:48:08.000
Awareness and vulnerability, that is romance

00:48:08.000 –> 00:48:15.000
What about control? Either one of us is in control of the whole situation, whether having or not having sex

00:48:15.000 –> 00:48:26.000
I’m not sure what your question is, so I don’t want to jump to that, but you may be able to in the next time I take questions, you can maybe reiterate a little bit what you’re talking about.

00:48:26.000 –> 00:48:47.000
Years have changed us and I’m no longer physically attracted to him. It makes me sad. Yeah, bodies change. That is what happens, isn’t it? And it is hard because it’s out of our control how our partners take care of their bodies. We can express our need. We could say, hey, like, I really want to make sure you’re healthy for the long term, that we can be active grandparents in the future

00:48:47.000 –> 00:48:53.000
And also, you know, if you gain a lot of weight, it makes sex

00:48:53.000 –> 00:48:56.000
Can be a little bit more challenging

00:48:56.000 –> 00:48:59.000
I also want to say that

00:48:59.000 –> 00:49:13.000
What I’ve seen happen is women will often tell me they’re not attracted physically to their husband, but what’s really happening is they’re not attracted emotionally to their husband, and often you won’t be surprised by this, is that there isn’t safety in the relationship

00:49:13.000 –> 00:49:18.000
So I’m not invalidating that you’re not physically attracted to your husband

00:49:18.000 –> 00:49:33.000
And I’ve seen women, once they feel emotionally attracted to their husband and they feel safe in their relationship, that physical attraction really doesn’t hold a lot of weight anymore, and now you can explore pleasure

00:49:33.000 –> 00:49:40.000
And pleasure doesn’t require physical attraction because we’re also not looking at arousal

00:49:40.000 –> 00:49:58.000
After a sexual assault situation, how do you get back to feeling safe with your partner having sex? I have done therapy to help process it, but I think it may still be subconscious or my body is still switching off, especially when the pressure of if we don’t have sex, we have a major problem

00:49:58.000 –> 00:50:05.000
So unfortunately, I would say most women have experienced some form of sexual trauma

00:50:05.000 –> 00:50:09.000
One in six have reported, like, a larger

00:50:09.000 –> 00:50:14.000
capital T trauma, but most of us have had something happen to us.

00:50:14.000 –> 00:50:25.000
So, that can often be blamed. And I’ll hear men say, well, my wife had trauma and her background or her early days

00:50:25.000 –> 00:50:40.000
And that can almost become an excuse to not work on the current situation in the relationship. So I’d love for you to pay attention to the phrase, if we don’t have sex, we have a major problem.

00:50:40.000 –> 00:50:55.000
That’s the problem, you don’t have safety in your current relationship, and so all the red flags, everything is just lighting up in your system. We are not safe, we are not safe, we are not safe. And you cannot have pleasure

00:50:55.000 –> 00:50:58.000
And enjoyment, and

00:50:58.000 –> 00:51:04.000
Exploration and experimentation in that situation. Okay, moving on.

00:51:04.000 –> 00:51:09.000
Choose number 3, a woman’s Libido doesn’t have to do with

00:51:09.000 –> 00:51:23.000
We are obsessed with orgasms in our culture, and I say this is unfortunate because this obsession actually decreases women’s overall pleasure. Can you hear me?

00:51:23.000 –> 00:51:36.000
Our obsession with orgasms and culture, or your obsession with in your life or your obsession with your wife’s decrease is a woman’s pleasure overall.

00:51:36.000 –> 00:51:58.000
Orgasm can become just another place to feel pressure, and as we’ve discussed already, pressure dramatically impacts a woman’s libido. The pressure for her body to work, the pressure for her partner to feel good about himself for giving her one, the pressure to not take too long, the pressure to have multiple orgasms, the pressure to have orgasms with alone.

00:51:58.000 –> 00:52:04.000
It’s overwhelming and that’s why we see so many women faking

00:52:04.000 –> 00:52:13.000
Faking pleasure, where else do we see people faking pleasure that tells you the pressure that is on women

00:52:13.000 –> 00:52:25.000
And as we know, Libido is not going to be around, so if wanting, if desire is not about orgasms, just like it wasn’t about love, it’s about safety, what is it about

00:52:25.000 –> 00:52:27.000
It’s about pleasure.

00:52:27.000 –> 00:52:42.000
Feeling good in your body, not trying to do certain sex acts to perform the media sex formula, not trying to force your body to have an outcome or force her body to have an outcome

00:52:42.000 –> 00:52:53.000
But you need to slow down, slow it down, everybody. Really, take a minute here. You need to be in a safe environment with no pressure

00:52:53.000 –> 00:53:02.000
And that will give you the opportunity to be curious and explore your five senses. And this is what I’m talking about. This is taking it back to the basics

00:53:02.000 –> 00:53:13.000
This is why what I teach is simple, but it’s not easily to accomplish on your own because of the culture that we’re in. These messages are very hard to rewire

00:53:13.000 –> 00:53:28.000
And it becomes a web of confusion which can last for years. And as we discussed earlier, it can feel hopeless that anything can change, especially if you’ve tried all the things. And unfortunately, until now, everything you’ve tried

00:53:28.000 –> 00:53:44.000
Has been probably surface level fixes because you haven’t gone to the root of safety, you haven’t gone to the root of pressure, you haven’t gone to the root of obligation, and you haven’t gone to the root of pleasure. That’s why scheduling sex, working on how bedding or more

00:53:44.000 –> 00:54:04.000
Making time for date nights, working on communication, trying to spice things up, using alcohol, buying lingerie, trying to watch porn or read erotica to get aroused. They don’t work long term. You’re here because you’ve tried all that. You’ve been trying to build something on a garbage dump of unhealthy beliefs that impact you both

00:54:04.000 –> 00:54:12.000
And I can see how this may feel overwhelming because this is generations of misinformation and conditioning to overcome.

00:54:12.000 –> 00:54:25.000
But remember that the foundation is simple. We need to learn how to take it back to the original purpose of sex is what we started with in the beginning, and the basic ways of human relating

00:54:25.000 –> 00:54:41.000
The basic ways of what we teach people, kids in kindergarten. My body is your body is your body, my body is my body. We’re allowed to have different preferences. Now we’re going to learn how to communicate and ask for consent

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And share, we’re going to enjoy an experience together. It’s going to be fun.

00:54:46.000 –> 00:54:56.000
And that’s where we get to genuine pleasure. And genuine pleasure is something that you can look forward to, and you don’t have to

00:54:56.000 –> 00:55:03.000
Rely on sort of the elusive, horny feelings that come and go as it pleases.

00:55:03.000 –> 00:55:21.000
And while this isn’t a quick fix, I have developed a framework that is incredibly effective. It’s been taught to thousands of couples and individuals over the last 10 years. You may have heard some of their stories on the podcast if you’ve been listening to that. And now for about 6 minutes, I’m going to share

00:55:21.000 –> 00:55:27.000
About my program doing it together and then we’re going to come back for a last round of questions to end our time out.

00:55:27.000 –> 00:55:44.000
So doing it together is about becoming a team to work towards a sex life that you both genuinely want. This is wanting it more in the most authentic sense. You are moving away from it being either of your faults

00:55:44.000 –> 00:56:00.000
And instead you’re focusing on what you can each do and be responsible for creating an intimate life that is relaxing and fun and nourishing, and it brings you closer. It’s that intimacy heartbeat that I was talking about earlier

00:56:00.000 –> 00:56:15.000
And instead of showing up to counseling each week, which is what is typically offered, and you’re kind of often going around and around in circles, she says something, he says something, she said something, she said something. I did it for years myself. This is helping you move

00:56:15.000 –> 00:56:22.000
Forward, so you’re being guided and supported through a framework that is well tested for couples just like yourself

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This makes it efficient, it makes it exciting, and it’s very hopeful. And one of the many unique elements of this program, like I mentioned in the beginning, is that men and women have their own content, support, and community

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This gives you the opportunity to be with other people who get what it feels like to be in your shoes without worrying about your partner’s feelings or saying the wrong thing. You just get to chill out. You get to relax, you get to say the truth. Of course, we don’t partner bash. We’re

00:56:52.000 –> 00:57:07.000
Very respectful, but it’s just a breath of fresh air to be able to see that you are not alone, that everyone in the group is saying things that you thought were just in your head for years, and this helps you bridge the gap

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To your partner because you need to understand what’s been happening through culture that helps you have that compassion for the other side. You need to learn a common language and be able to communicate what you’re feeling.

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You are guided through a series of six paths, starting with compassion. That’s when we’re looking at culture. And then we move to safety. And then the next three paths, men and women do different things because we have been taught different things. We’re not coming to the table, the sex table

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With the same information, the same upbringing, the same privileges, we are just not, so we need different things to be able to co-create that intimate life

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And then we come together in week 6, and that’s… and then and only then, is when we start to explore how to put those paths together, and how do you safely, with no pressure, with a lot of freedom, a lot of choice, a lot of opportunity

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Experiment and explore what sex can look like in your relationship. So with this foundation in your life that you can come back to again and again, the road will be bumpy. You’re going to have ups and downs without a shadow of a doubt

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It takes about a year to fully integrate this material in your life, but it’s here for you. You get lifetime access to this program and all future updates.

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So no more wondering if you’re broken, and no more feeling rejected

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And I’m guessing that the topic of sex right now has taken a lot of your energy. And even if you’re not having sex right now

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If anyone wants to share in the chat right now what your situation is, is it monthly, weekly, has it been years? I just want to give an opportunity for people to feel less alone. Just know that I work with couples in all stages, like haven’t had sex in over 5 years

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To you’re having sex maybe weekly, but it’s just not working for either one of you.

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So it’s taking a lot of your energy. So even if you’re not having it, I know for sure you’re thinking about it. You’re googling it, you’re chat GPT-ing it, you’re trying to search, you’re trying to look, and so I want to help make sure that this just does this insanity doesn’t continue in your relationship. So you take the time and energy

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And you apply it to making it better.

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But I’m aware that you’re busy. So this program has very short videos. There are transcripts that go along with the videos if you just want to read it quickly. There are workbooks for those of you who like to read and process and journal, but you don’t have to do them. And they’re all within a simple app

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We are off social media. We’re on Medi networks.

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And then you gather once a week with your group of men or women on Zoom so again you are separated. You, as a woman, you’re not in a space with men, and as a man you’re not in a space with women.

01:00:03.000 –> 01:00:20.000
You… this is the best part of the program. I think my training and education is fantastic, but this is really where we decrease shame. You feel not alone, you get amazing insight, you hear questions that you never would have asked yourself

01:00:20.000 –> 01:00:25.000
And you create these lasting relationships with other people

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I know talking about sex with strangers may feel a little bit weird and awkward. I have never had anyone go past the first call and say, oh no, I’m not doing that again. Everyone’s in the same boat as you, and it’s a lot of fun, honestly. For women, we meet on Mondays at 1 or 5 PM Pacific

01:00:44.000 –> 01:00:59.000
You can come to both calls or just one. I just have 2 to accommodate different time zones because we have couples from UK, New Zealand, Australia, Canada, United States, and Ireland. I mean, lots of different places, but those are the main ones

01:00:59.000 –> 01:01:02.000
So we’re on different time zones.

01:01:02.000 –> 01:01:13.000
And you were never without help. We also have an online forum in our app, Mighty Networks, so that you continue can connect with me and connect with those in the program.

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Doing it together will help you design sexual experiences that you can genuinely look forward to, not out of obligation or guilt, but genuine

01:01:23.000 –> 01:01:32.000
We’re going to look at that guilt for sure. We’re going to look at reducing it, we’re going to look at reducing shame, reducing pressure

01:01:32.000 –> 01:01:49.000
We’re going to be creating, co-creating a sex life that feels satisfying, not just physically but emotionally as well. That is one of the best outcomes of the program I hear from couples. They say we are talking like we have never talked before. We are more vulnerable, we are more open

01:01:49.000 –> 01:01:58.000
We are saying things that have just never been said, and we’re experiencing a deeper connection. We’re also communicating a lot better

01:01:58.000 –> 01:02:04.000
This round of doing it together runs from October 5th

01:02:04.000 –> 01:02:19.000
to November 30, it’s 8 weeks. Again, the calls, these are the only calls that you need to come live. If you need to skip a week, that’s okay, they’re all recorded and you have 2 times to choose from, and you can come to both, you can come to either one

01:02:19.000 –> 01:02:32.000
Or if you need to skip that week, you can watch the recording. So again, for women, it’s Mondays at 1 PM and 5 Pm. Pacific, and for men it’s Tuesdays at 1 PM and 5 PM Pacific.

01:02:32.000 –> 01:02:47.000
So just a recap of everything that’s included in the program. So for both men and women’s program, you get the educational component. That is a video course with short videos every week

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The total amount of videos for women is probably about 30 to 40 minutes, same for men, and I give you your partner’s videos. So you’re logging into different spaces, you have different forums

01:03:02.000 –> 01:03:11.000
But you can watch what your partner is learning. And I have found that that increases compassion and understanding really quickly.

01:03:11.000 –> 01:03:17.000
We have those coaching calls, so in totals, there’s 16 coaching calls spanning over 8 weeks.

01:03:17.000 –> 01:03:21.000
And then you have the support in the discussion forum as well.

01:03:21.000 –> 01:03:29.000
For the women, you get me. There’s nobody else in my place. You get all my experience and knowledge

01:03:29.000 –> 01:03:45.000
And for the men you get me as well. And I also have Justin Smith come, who’s been on the podcast a couple of times. He is an alumni of the program. He’s worked extensively with men in a mentorship role, and he is a wealth of knowledge and support. So

01:03:45.000 –> 01:03:56.000
That is because I’m not a man, and it’s nice to have that me too perspective from somebody who’s been where you are and is really thriving

01:03:56.000 –> 01:04:10.000
The cost for doing it together is $19.97 US dollars per couple. You can also do three monthly payment plan of $667. I don’t charge extra

01:04:10.000 –> 01:04:13.000
For the payment plan

01:04:13.000 –> 01:04:23.000
Doing it together is likely a good fit for you if number one, your marriage is in a relatively healthy place. I know that

01:04:23.000 –> 01:04:24.000
You know.

01:04:24.000 –> 01:04:33.000
Communication issues are a thing. Vulnerability issues. You can be human here. You don’t have to have a perfect marriage.

01:04:33.000 –> 01:04:39.000
But it’s really not great if you have 1 foot in and 1 foot out

01:04:39.000 –> 01:04:43.000
The program will bring up a lot of truth.

01:04:43.000 –> 01:04:51.000
And I’m sure you’ve seen that in the class here, so you need to be in a place where you can handle some truth from each other

01:04:51.000 –> 01:05:06.000
You may have heard on the podcast or in the success stories, people say this saved my marriage. I will say, yes, it, you know, it’s moved people to a healthier place for sure, but it’s… that’s not the point of the program. You cannot save your marriage by having

01:05:06.000 –> 01:05:11.000
Sex more, that just creates way too much pressure on it

01:05:11.000 –> 01:05:27.000
Secondly, you’ve addressed major sexual trauma with a professional. This program is very trauma-informed. As you can see here, we talk about safety a ton. I will never push you to do something that you’re uncomfortable with. I will always help you find a baby step that feels better for you

01:05:27.000 –> 01:05:40.000
But it’s not within the scope of this program to help you heal from sexual trauma, although one could argue that it’s very healing to be able to create a sex life that feels 100% safe.

01:05:40.000 –> 01:05:57.000
And then lastly, you feel safe enough with your partner to express your needs without fear of repercussion. As you’ve seen here, there is that truth telling, and that’s the only way to create a mutual, pleasurable, wonderful sex life. But if you feel like

01:05:57.000 –> 01:06:14.000
If you do tell your truth, you may be harmed in any way, then please stop trying to fix your sex life, and please see a one-on-one therapist, an individual therapist. Do not go to couples counseling. It often will make abusive situations worse

01:06:14.000 –> 01:06:16.000
Find somebody who understands abuse

01:06:16.000 –> 01:06:22.000
And send me an email and I will cheer you on. But this is not the program for you.

01:06:22.000 –> 01:06:28.000
If you want to hear from other people who’ve gone through the program, you can go to janadentonhouse.com/successstories

01:06:28.000 –> 01:06:41.000
It’s also linked in the registration page, which I’ll give you in a minute, but there are scores and scores of video, audio, and written testimonials if you’re curious what it’s been like for other people going through the program

01:06:41.000 –> 01:06:51.000
As I’ve mentioned, I also have a podcast doing it together. You can find that on Apple, Spotify, anywhere. Just search doing it together. There’s also a link on my website

01:06:51.000 –> 01:07:03.000
And I will often highlight stories from alumni, so if you go there, you can hear a lot of their stories there. And there’s a lot of variety, so hopefully you can find your story in one of them.

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So again, doing it together is running from October 5th to November 30th. The registration deadline is in just over a week on September 29th.

01:07:13.000 –> 01:07:30.000
And to register, go to janetDentonhouse.com/doingitogether. Tenil, maybe you want to pop that link in the chat. Tenille is my amazing assistant. Shout out to her. And also, if you would like, you can book a Zoom call with me and we can have a one-on-one

01:07:30.000 –> 01:07:45.000
And we can just chat about whether this is going to be a good fit for you. I only want you to do it if it’s in alignment and it feels right, so that’s why I offer, you know, just a 15-minute call. You can come as a couple, you could come alone

01:07:45.000 –> 01:08:00.000
And we can work through some of your questions and you can just get a sense for who I am in person. I know you’ve been in this class and you’ve seen this recording, but is it a different place when we’re one-on-one and human to human, so we can definitely do that as well.

01:08:00.000 –> 01:08:16.000
I will be sending out that link through email, too, so you can check that out. All right, to close out this class and get to our last round of questions, I just want to share, you know that my mission is to

01:08:16.000 –> 01:08:28.000
Have your sexual connection bring fun and joy to your marriage, that it feels free and interesting and experimental and curious and no pressure.

01:08:28.000 –> 01:08:45.000
To have it support your relationship when you go through grief and loss and the hard parts of living because life is breaking hard and it is really wonderful to have something that can bring a lot of joy and fun and relaxation to your relationship without it being a duty and obligation.

01:08:45.000 –> 01:09:08.000
And lastly, for it to round out those sharp corners that come from our imperfect personalities and remind us why we make the daily decision to be with each other, I sure hope I’m still having sex at 90 because sex can look a variety of different ways with lots of different mobility challenges and body changes, so it’s great that you have been here. Thank you for attending the class

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If you would like to create sexual experiences like this, I’d love to see you in the program. And let’s end with

01:09:16.000 –> 01:09:24.000
Last round of questions. If we can see if there’s any here

01:09:24.000 –> 01:09:28.000
All right, awesome. Thank you, Joe.

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Wonderful

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Okay, I’ll just read aloud some of the comments here, if there’s other questions.

01:09:39.000 –> 01:09:44.000
Oh, some of you were answering how often you’re having sex.

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A month

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A few times a month, weekly, it’s been months and months, status quo, twice a week for years and weekly for years, last few years, more than

01:09:56.000 –> 01:09:59.000
Thrice every 2 weeks

01:09:59.000 –> 01:10:01.000
Bi-weekly

01:10:01.000 –> 01:10:07.000
Far drop-off from earlier.

01:10:07.000 –> 01:10:12.000
It’s been years since you had sex. Okay

01:10:12.000 –> 01:10:14.000
Yeah.

01:10:14.000 –> 01:10:24.000
Alright, you’re amazing. Oh, thank you. How can this teaching get into mainstream? This is so important what you’re teaching makes so much sense. Why have we all been so deceived?

01:10:24.000 –> 01:10:35.000
Yeah, we sure have. Alright, have to run. Thank you so much, Jana, you’re welcome. This session in your pod have opened my eyes to women’s perspective. Looking forward to learning more from you.

01:10:35.000 –> 01:10:37.000
Thank you. Okay, great