Not that I feel like I should or I want to be able to do that.
Because that is just not something I’m interested in. I’m not that kind of sex coach. But it’s too bad. Because where else are we going to find examples of having a healthy sex life? Not from TV. Not from random anecdotes that our friends say. Like, “We got drunk and had a great time.” What are you going to learn from that?
Within my program, the Wanting it More program, I am really open because I have my husband’s full permission to be open about my sex life. And what that looks like and the details. Oh yes, those ladies know the details of my sex life. Because I think it’s helpful. I would have loved it for somebody to be like, “And this is what I did and this is how I touched the thing. And these are the thoughts I was thinking and all of that.”
So what does my sex life look like?
That is the question. My sex life is scheduled. We have sex about once a week, I would say. On a Saturday or a Sunday morning. It used to be Saturday morning for a very, very long time. But now we’re switched to Sunday because I now have Jazzercise on Saturday mornings and my husband was fine with us switching. The reason why it’s scheduled is because I have something called responsive desire, which is actually the kind of desire that most of the women I have served have as well.
What is Responsive Desire?
So responsive desire, the desire that I have just simply means that my interest, my curiosity, my arousal, and my enjoyment are cultivated. So it doesn’t usually happen before I’m in the situation to have sex. What I mean is, that I am never really in the mood. I decided weekend mornings are a good time for me. Because I have the most energy and I’m the most relaxed. We set things up with the kids so that they know that is our time and our door is locked. And I usually like to give myself at least two hours.
So if you’re thinking, “two hours is exhausting”, just hold on a second. We’re taught that sex is supposed to be steamy and sweaty and take a lot of work. Watch any sex scene on TV and people are exhausted. They’re like rolling over at the end of it and they’re huffing and puffing. And their sheets are drenched in sweat and there’s all of that going on. That’s not really what my sex life looks like. So I like to have a lot of time. Because what I include in the sexual experience is connecting and talking. My favorite question is, “what’s going well for you?” I ask my husband that, he asks me that.
I like to ask for a lot of reassurance in the beginning.
We all have these default interpretations we’ll make throughout the day, the week, and whenever. Then if you flip those default interpretations or those insecurities and make them into a question, they’re quite magical. So one of my insecurities is that I’m not successful or I’ll never be successful. Probably stems from getting married at 17 and just being like a little baby when I started my adult life. The thing I asked my husband a lot is, “Are you proud of me? Do you see my hard work? Do you think I’m successful?” And I love his answers … they’re kind of better than I love you.
So we do a lot of reconnecting depending on how busy our week has been.
Then there’s the showering and the brushing teeth. And if I have low blood sugar, sex is not good. So sometimes I’ll need to get some food beforehand. And so I’m not getting irritated with myself or hangry. You know what I’m talking about if this is your situation.
Then I like to get naked. And this has evolved. In the early days when I was just learning how to enjoy sex and I was coming out of a lot of anxiety when it came to intimacy. A lot of these things looked different. I needed to be clothed. I needed a lot more talking, a lot more reassurance, and a break to evaluate my thoughts and get my mind in the right mindset. To remind myself that sex is good for me.
This isn’t something that I have to provide for my husband.
That I can trust my intuition and that I can create clear boundaries. That I can ask not to be touched a certain way. Anything I want or need I can have. This was for my own comfort. All of those things that I needed to say to myself. And sometimes I still do. I need to remind myself that sex is good for me and I get whatever I need to feel safe and comfortable. My comfort is really important to my husband and all of those things.
Then I won’t go into all the details of what we do. I’m going to reserve that for you if you join the Wanting it More program. Because then it’s a more intimate, safe community. And we just are open that way in the community. So if you’re interested, I’d definitely check that out. You can come to the live class that I’m giving next week to find out more. And there you can ask me, “Janna, I watched that video. Now I want all the details.” And I’ll be like, “All right, time to share all the things.” But usually, it evolves like … it’s not prescriptive. And that’s what I’ve learned so, so much these last years is that I need different things at different times.
Sex is different a lot of the time
If I’m on my period, then our sex is going to look different. I probably will be touching him for my pleasure. Something I teach women how to do. I probably will be clothed. I don’t enjoy being touched a lot when my nerves are more sensitive. Sometimes I have an orgasm, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes penetration is involved, sometimes it’s not. I sound different each time. I find vocalizations to be really pleasurable depending if the kids are in the house or not and what that looks like. But not in like the wild way. More of like, “I’m curious, what would this sound in my body feel like?”
And so it’s very different each time and it’s led by me. That way I feel very safe and we have more sex and it’s more enjoyable for everybody. I don’t like to follow any sort of guidelines. I used to think, “Okay, if I could just teach my husband a technique. Or if I could just find the right position. Or if I could just figure out how to have a vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation then everything would be good.” But what I’ve learned and what I teach is that actually has nothing to do with good sex.
Good sex is about following your intuition and trusting yourself. And that takes time.
A lot of women will tell me, “Well, I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I want.” Because you’ve been told what you should want and like your whole life. And even if nobody ever sat you down and said, “Hey, this is what you should like or want.” You’ve been told it through cultural conditioning, through media, sitcoms, everything. It’s crazy how prescriptive it is. So sometimes the more traditional sexual acts are involved, like oral sex or manual stimulation. God, all these words. They seem weird to type out because they have been hijacked from a really messed-up culture.
I just try to reclaim every single sexual experience.
I reclaim my senses, and what sex is really about. It’s not about goals or providing needs for each other. It’s just a time to shut the world out for a little bit to just have a little bit of enjoyment and joy and some connection. I don’t necessarily feel a lot of connection through the sexual acts themselves. My husband does. But for me, it’s more the intimacy. More like, “I’m naked with you. And you see all of the nakedness. And nobody else sees that.” And then also a lot of talking, a lot of asking questions, asking reassurance. All those things that I shared in the beginning.
Those aren’t typical like sexy phrases that you think would happen. So I just bring a lot of who I am as a woman, as a human being into the sexual experience. I don’t become anything else. I’m literally just like Janna, but with my husband, naked and enjoying all my senses. I can enjoy all my senses throughout the day. So I can still just enjoy all my senses within the bedroom. There isn’t any sort of like line in the sand.
So one might describe my sex life as boring. But I think it’s delightful and anything but boring. Because when I follow my own pleasure and my own intuition and what my body is saying, then it’s different every time. I keep on saying this but it’s not prescriptive. And in that way, my husband and I have experiences together that you would never find in a book. Because they’re unique to us or unique to me and what I like and what I enjoy.
To sum it all up
Our sex is scheduled, it’s about two hours. It involves a lot of talking. Sometimes there are orgasms, sometimes there are not. We don’t see ourselves as responsible for each other’s orgasms, which takes a lot of pressure off. We just see it as an opportunity to enjoy some time together. Some really precious and special time together.
So I think that’s. I’m an open book and I’m happy to answer any questions you have. I’m not a sex coach who just loves sex and loved it all the time or thinks about sex all the time. And I firmly believe that’s why I can help women like myself because I get it. I get it. I’m still in the process myself and am always learning and growing. I’m always becoming more confident in who I am and how my body works. And what I want out of this sexual experience. Rather than what I’ve been told I should want or experience there.
If you want to learn LITERALLY what I did (because I couldn’t find the right help anywhere) come to my class next week.
It’s called The Real Reason for a Lack of Desire and the Six-Step Solution to Reconnecting Again. We have so much fun in these classes. They’re live and I think it’s just cool. I think for a lot of women it’s the first time they’ve been in a group where other women are saying how they’ve been feeling for a very, very long time. And it feels so validating. It makes you feel so normal. Oh, it’s just such a delight, honestly. It’s my favorite. I love doing live classes. I love running the Wanting it More program because it’s all live. And we do group calls. You’ll learn more about the program if you come to the class.
It’s my life’s work.
And the reason why I wanted to be open about what my sex life looks like is that I want to show you that on the other side isn’t something that’s going to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not something that’s going to take you out of being who you are right now or something that you’re going to have to pretend through. It’s actually quite the opposite. Finally, you get to say what you like and what you don’t like. And what you like right now is really narrow. If you’re like, “I like hugging my husband.” Or like, “I like listening to his heartbeat. Or like holding his hand.” That’s where you start. You just start there.
Because what’s so beautiful is when you have permission just to be who you are, and not have to pretend to perform in the sexual experience and not be somebody that you aren’t, over time you start to notice and develop sensations and desires within yourself that were buried. You’ll find that all those shoulds, expectations, and all of that pressure were just burying all of it.
It’s just such an honor. And I could talk about this forever. So come to the class and ask questions. And that way, I can answer the right ones and not just make them up in my head. I hope that helped you. I hope that helps you feel relief.
I’ll talk to you next time.