Ladies, it's time to learn an important lesson, a lesson I personally use in almost every sexual experience I have with my husband. We're going to learn how to stay out of your head and reconnect with your body during sex. A lot of women struggle with this and there are many reasons for it, none of which are because there is anything wrong with you! Let's explore further and learn a really simple strategy together.
It makes sense if you're struggling with this because us women tend to live in our heads about 90% of the time. We are told productivity and multi-tasking is where our value lies. Furthermore, our bodies are often sources of pain, shame, and confusion so it often feels safer for us to not inhabit our bodies and instead live in our heads, where we seem to be valued the most. But then, all of a sudden, we're supposed to magically transition and be a sensual human being when nothing in our world supports that. Failing to make this transition is not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you! Almost all the women I support struggle with this. Before I get into this simple exercise, I really want to highlight three main points.
Regardless of what your head tells you, it's safe to be in your body. The more you can work on allowing yourself to settle into your sensations, the happier you really will be.
We're often taught to focus primarily on our husband's pleasure and their experience to make sex more connected, fulfilling and satisfying for us, all of which is NOT TRUE! The real truth is, the more you can be in your own body, and the more connected you are with yourself, the more likely that a positive connection is possible with someone else.
Pleasure is felt through our nerves, creating our sensations. That's where the magic happens! We're taught to try to think our way to arousal, thinking if we can just get aroused then we can prove that we work and then we can work towards orgasm and penetration, which has become the definition of sex in our culture. I encourage you to take on a new definition of sex, which is exploring an intimate connection through sensations. Those sensations can be in your body, in your emotions, or even in your soul. The point is, these sensations stem from the body, not the brain.
So, now that we understand that it's safe to be in your body, let's dive in to how to stay there. I want to teach you a really simple exercise you can do yourself, or have your husband join you and be your pleasure coach, which can be really fun.
When I say pleasure, I'm not talking about fireworks or a crazy out-of-this-world experience. I'm talking about slightly positive sensations. Our nerves can feel pain, they can feel kind of neutral, or they can feel slightly enjoyable. That's what we're going for. Where in your body are you feeling pleasure - AKA, some slightly enjoyable sensations. There's no pressure here. I don't want you to think, "I'm feeling pleasure nowhere...my body doesn't work...what's wrong with me?" Instead, you're thinking "Oh, I can feel the pillow on the back of my neck. I'm feeling some pleasure there."
Next, describe the sensation.
"It feels soft. It feels snugly. It feels comforting. I feel like I can just let my head go on the pillow and that's delightful. I like the way my hair follicles are getting touched by the pillow."
You can keep going deeper by asking questions like:
Continue your body scan and keep going by asking "Where else in your body are you feeling pleasure?" Keep moving to the next part, and the next part, and the next part. What will eventually happen is you settle into your body, where pleasure can be cultivated and witnessed and enjoyed. For example, if you're experiencing pleasure in your feet and they feel good and warm, maybe you want to foot rub.
I hope this simple exercise will be helpful for you. There are so many messages from culture that tell us that our bodies are not a great place to live in; that they need to act a certain way, look a certain way, and react a certain way. This can create a very confusing and disconnected experience within our bodies. I want you to know you are normal, that you are not broken, and that this is an experience shared by many. Furthermore, your brain is beautiful and all the thoughts you're thinking, the multi-tasking and the planning are all good things! But, once in a while, it's nice to crawl into a cozy cocoon with your husband and feel some pleasurable sensations in your body.
I'm in your corner.
PS - the next round of the Wanting It More Program starts in January 2021. Click here to sign up for the waitlist!