Ladies, it’s time to learn an important lesson, a lesson I personally use in almost every sexual experience I have with my husband. We’re going to learn how to stay out of your head and reconnect with your body during sex. A lot of women struggle with this and there are many reasons for it, none of which are because there is anything wrong with you! Let’s explore further and learn a really simple strategy together.
I’m going to teach you a very simple exercise to get out of your busy brain and settle back into your body so you can genuinely enjoy yourself in your sexual experience.
It makes sense if you’re struggling with this because women tend to live in our heads about 90% of the time. We are told productivity and multi-tasking are where our value lies. Furthermore, our bodies are often sources of pain, shame, and confusion so it often feels safer for us to not inhabit our bodies and instead live in our heads, where we seem to be valued the most. But then, all of a sudden, we’re supposed to magically transition and be sensual human beings when nothing in our world supports that. Failing to make this transition is not your fault and there’s nothing wrong with you! Almost all the women I support struggle with this. Before I get into this simple exercise, I really want to highlight three main points.
#1 – It’s safe to be in your body.
Regardless of what your head tells you, it’s safe to be in your body. The more you can work on allowing yourself to settle into your sensations, the happier you really will be.
#2 – The more connected you are with your body, the more connected sex becomes.
We’re often taught to focus primarily on our husband’s pleasure and their experience to make sex more connected, fulfilling, and satisfying for us, all of which is NOT TRUE! The real truth is the more you can be in your own body, and the more connected you are with yourself, the more likely that a positive connection is possible with someone else.
#3 – We can’t think our way to pleasure.
Pleasure is felt through our nerves, creating our sensations. That’s where the magic happens! We’re taught to try to think our way to arousal, thinking if we can just get aroused then we can prove that we work, and then we can work towards orgasm and penetration, which has become the definition of sex in our culture. I encourage you to take on a new definition of sex, which is exploring an intimate connection through sensations. Those sensations can be in your body, in your emotions, or even in your soul. The point is, that these sensations stem from the body, not the brain.
So, now that we understand that it’s safe to be in your body, let’s dive into how to stay there. I want to teach you a really simple exercise you can do yourself, or have your husband join you and be your pleasure coach, which can be really fun.
Question #1 – Where in your body are you feeling pleasure?
When I say pleasure, I’m not talking about fireworks or a crazy out-of-this-world experience. I’m talking about slightly positive sensations. Our nerves can feel pain, they can feel kind of neutral, or they can feel slightly enjoyable. That’s what we’re going for. Where in your body are you feeling pleasure – AKA, some slightly enjoyable sensations. There’s no pressure here. I don’t want you to think, “I’m feeling pleasure nowhere…my body doesn’t work…what’s wrong with me?” Instead, you’re thinking “Oh, I can feel the pillow on the back of my neck. I’m feeling some pleasure there.”
Question #2 – What does it feel like?
Next, describe the sensation.
“It feels soft, snuggly, or comforting. I feel like I can just let my head go on the pillow and that’s delightful. I like the way my hair follicles are getting touched by the pillow.”
You can keep going deeper by asking questions like:
- If this sensation had a color, what would it be?
- Does this sensation have a shape? What would it be?
- Would this sensation sing a song? What would the song sound like?
Continue your body scan and keep going by asking “Where else in your body are you feeling pleasure?” Keep moving to the next part, and the next part, and the next part. What will eventually happen is you settle into your body, where pleasure can be cultivated and witnessed and enjoyed. For example, if you’re experiencing pleasure in your feet and they feel good and warm, maybe you want to foot rub.
Great sex is not about thinking your way to arousal. Great sex is getting out of your head, into your body, and enjoying some fun and playful time together. It doesn’t have to be heavy or serious.
I hope this simple exercise will be helpful for you. There are so many messages from our coulture that tell us that our bodies are not a great place to live in; that they need to act a certain way, look a certain way, and react a certain way. This can create a very confusing and disconnected experience within our bodies.
I want you to know you are normal, that you are not broken, and that this is an experience shared by many. Furthermore, your brain is beautiful and all the thoughts you’re thinking, the multi-tasking, and the planning are all good things! But, once in a while, it’s nice to get out of your head and crawl into a cozy cocoon with your husband to feel some pleasurable sensations in your body.
I’m in your corner.