Today, I want to talk to you about how to enjoy sex as a highly sensitive person. If you don’t know what a highly sensitive person is then you’re in for a treat, because finding out that I was one was a life-changing experience. I thought I had a generalized anxiety disorder but it turns out that I was a highly sensitive person and just really overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot of the time.
My story of being highly sensitive
When I simplify my life; I only do one thing at a time, I spend lots of time in nature, and when I have alone time, those things really helped me thrive as a highly sensitive person.
You can go and take a self-test and figure out if this is you. Just go to HSperson.com. Then you might also think that maybe one of your children is also a highly sensitive person and that’s how I came about it.
I was noticing some similar traits in my daughter that were leaning towards anxiety and I got kind of worried. So I did a lot of research and I found this book called The Highly Sensitive Child. I read that book for her and then low and behold, it totally transformed everything that I was doing.
Now you can go take the test but I just want to give you the traits that I always tell my clients and participants when I sense that they might be highly sensitive. I’ve gotten really, really good at recognizing them very, very quickly.
Traits of a highly sensitive person
Here’s some of the things that I share. It’s your nervous system that is sensitive. So you’re sensitive to light and sound and taste. You can often walk into a room and know exactly how to make it comfortable for everybody else. Turn down the volume, turn down the lights, even emotionally, but it’s more your nervous system that is sensitive and 20% of the population are like this.
Again, you might be the one fiddling with the dials in the car, doing the temperature gauges and the volume. When you’ve been around a lot of stimulation, like a lot of noise or a lot of extroverted activity, although there are extroverts that are highly sensitive, then you need a lot of recoveries.
You dream. Vivid dreams are often another component of this. Dreams that you remember. You feel deeply. Usually, my life is a pretty rollercoaster in terms of my emotions because I feel deeply. I feel even when I get a testimonial from somebody and it’s just so heartfelt and so amazing and even sometimes I struggle with that because it takes me so high and it’s so intense. And then I also am really affected by everything else going around me so I can have some low lows as well.
Sex and being highly sensitive
In this video, I do want to talk about how to have really a great sex life when you are a highly sensitive person. As you can imagine, if we have a heightened nervous system, then it is going to affect some of the stuff going on in the sexual experience, because sexual experience has to do with a lot of emotion and a lot of nerves being stimulated.
So I have three kinds of tips for you. I just want to keep it simple because if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP for short), then I know you need to keep it short and simple, and to the point. So you can just go ahead and take action and not feel overwhelmed by all of the information.
So, number one. You get what you need as a highly sensitive person. There’s no other way around it. That means that you get the lighting that you need. I prefer daylight. I do not like bright, fluorescent lights. They’re horrible. I can’t shop at some stores because of it. You might need cleanup. I’m really sensitive to smell. So everyone’s got to brush their teeth and have a shower. I like clean sheets cause I hate feeling any sort of grit or anything like that. The pace. You get what you need. If you need it slow, I find highly sensitive people really enjoy that. Keeping it really connected.
Now I didn’t mention this, but I believe highly sensitive people have a tremendous capacity for pleasure in the sexual experience but not in the traditional sense. Because we’re taught, go for the clitoris. Have a big, crazy fireworky orgasm. Go hard and fast. I mean that we’re taught by the media but our bodies would just be like, “Whoa, that’s too much,” and it actually might even feel painful or irritating and just too gross.
So if you slow it way down and focus on the really kind of macro movements, the really subtle movements, you’ll find that your body is quite incredible. So number one, you get whatever you need as a highly sensitive person.
Number two. Ask for reassurance. You will often be in the position of sensing that someone has a little tension or discomfort before that person even knows that they have it. I was always asking my husband, “What’s wrong. What’s wrong.” He’d be like, “No, I’m fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong,” and then it would come out later. “Yes, John. I am always right.” But this leaves you in a kind of a difficult position, especially in the sexual experience when you really need to feel safe and connected to your husband to enjoy it and you’re feeling this tension and discomfort, you need to kind of work through it.
So make sure that you ask for reassurance, whatever that may be. Your brain might be making up a story about their facial expressions or the tone of voice, so just check in with yourself. “What story am I making up about this?” Then ask for reassurance. Mine are often like, “Do you think I’m a good wife? Do you think of a good mom? Do you think I’m successful? Are you proud of me?” I just run through my list.
Number three. Have a reset plan because you are sensitive. You’re going to get bumped the wrong way, touched the wrong way, breathed on the wrong way. You could get cold. You’re going to feel too sweaty, too hot. Whatever it is, things are going to happen because your nervous system is just really heightened. So have a reset plan. Mine is just snuggling back up into my husband. It doesn’t matter how intense things are or how much longer you have or where you are and your flow, have a reset plan and just assume that you’re going to have to use it.
I hope that helps you as a highly sensitive person enjoy sex more with your husband. Please let me know if you have any questions. I love, love, love this topic and I am thrilled that I usually get a lot of opportunities to tell women about this aspect of themselves because it’s so rarely shared and so under-researched.
Go take that test and on that website, you can buy the books. There’s one called The Highly Sensitive Person and also The Highly Sensitive Person In Love and Ellen Aron, I think is the author. She has a section about sex in there, so you might learn a little bit more.
All right, until next time.
I’ll talk to you later,