Hello my friends. Today, I want to talk to you about something really fun and important, and that is how to have an orgasm with your husband. Because a lot of women can orgasm on their own, but then when they add another person into the mix, it just doesn't work. And for so many reasons.
So before I get into those, my name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex and intimacy coach for women married to men, and I am so excited to be here with you and to talk about something that I just find delightful to talk about. It's fun. I mean, I have the best job in the world basically. I get to talk about something that's really taboo and no one talks to even their best friends about. So welcome, welcome to my world. And now you're like my best friend, basically, because you're reading this blog and I'm thinking about you right now.
Maybe this isn't your issue...
This may or may not be the case for you. You might be fine having orgasms with your husband. You might never have had an orgasm on your own before. You might love your orgasm. Just be like, "Oh wow, Janna's going to talk about orgasms. So I'm going to just read this blog”.
So I'm going to talk about the four steps to have an orgasm with your husband. And I'm going over this really quickly. This is just a brief little introduction, but I'm going to be talking about the orgasm workshop that you can join me if you want to learn more and really get in depth with me. But just to give you a little bit of something to work with, here's what I got for you.
Step one: Learn on your own
The first step is that you have to learn on your own. And I know everyone feels different about masturbation. And I don't even consider this masturbation, not that masturbation is wrong, right? It's hard to talk about this. But you need to learn about your body. You need to understand how it works. You need to look at it in a mirror. You need to look at a diagram. You need to know where your clitoris is, and that it's not just a little nub on the top. That it's actually a whole network of nerves. You need to understand where your vagina is, what your labia feels like. And I will be the first to admit that this was really uncomfortable for me when I was learning how to have an orgasm, because I didn't have one for the first year of my marriage.
I was in a counselor's office. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it again. The first counselor that we went to to help us figure out this whole orgasm thing was a guy. And I wouldn't do that again, but I just Googled it and found somebody close to us. And it was a really small, little office and we were really close and I had never spoken to anyone about sex before, barely even spoken to my husband about it, other than fighting about it. And he asked me if I ever masturbated and I was so uncomfortable. I had so much shame and so much discomfort. And I really hadn't. I mean, I'd stuck my finger up my vagina a couple of times. And I'm like, "That feels like nothing." Like no wonder it didn't feel like nothing, because there's very little nerves actually in the inside of the vaginal canal, which I'll get to in a second.
But you need to learn on your own. That's the step number one. You need to figure out your body. There's no way you can communicate how your body works, your unique, beautiful vulva, if you aren't learning on your own. And when I think about masturbation, because we have a variety of beliefs in this community, which I love and accept all of you. But I look at it like this, “Is it helpful?” Because I see sex as such a unity building, connecting experience for a couple. And masturbation, pleasure on your own, can be very helpful in the sense of learning about your body. But it can also be unhelpful, because you might have an orgasm addiction, porn addiction, whatever that is, that is taking you away from having a great unified, connecting, pleasurable experience with your partner on a regular basis. Do you see what I'm saying here? So step number one is learn on your own.
Step two: Make pleasure the goal
Step number two, when you are together, you have to really make pleasure the goal. And I know that's so weird because you think the orgasm is the goal. That's the whole point of this video, right? But if you make an orgasm the goal, your orgasm will not come. Literally it won't come. Yes. I just used that word. It won't happen. So, if you just focus on the pleasure and tell your brain that it's pleasurable, just be like, "This is pleasurable, brain. So let's just sink into the moment of whatever we're doing here and enjoy the experience." Now, going back to step number one, there's a lot to teach you and I can't in a very short little video like this. Come to the workshop if you have more questions, but back to step number one. When you're learning on your own, you do want to think about the positions that you might be with your partner if you're thinking about penetrative sex.
Penetration. I really want to break apart sex and penetration, because they're not the same thing, but if you really want that to be part of your experience, then you want to think about the positions that you might be in. And think creatively with your partner about positions. Okay. So, make pleasure the goal. Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure.
Step three: Include your clitoris
Number three. This is so incredibly important. Now I sent out a survey in preparation for the workshop coming up and I asked women what are your frustrations when it comes to orgasms? And what are your desires when it comes to orgasms? And one of the most common frustrations was that they couldn't have orgasms just with penetration alone. Please listen to me around this, please. This is the same as your husband's saying ... Take this in. What's wrong with me? Why can’t I have an orgasm from you rubbing my testicles.
Okay. Actually, there's more ... At seven weeks gestation, the female continues on development, and the male kind of branches off. So until seven weeks, we're all the same parts. And so, the labia, which becomes a labia, closes over and becomes the testicles. Now the labia (the inner labia, labia minora) actually have more nerves in the inside of the vagina. Now you might be saying, "Yes, but Janna, there are people who can have vaginal orgasm." Yes, yes. I know. The Holy grail from a patriarchal world. But really, that's the clitoral network that is being stimulated. You know, the G spot?
So number three, include your clitoris. Please include your clitoris in some way or another. Really, if you want to orgasm with your partner, you touch it. Probably the best option, because trying to direct somebody to touch something that has 8,000 nerve endings, and it's quite painful if touched wrong, is a feat. A feat that I had never achieved, nor do I think that anyone should really achieve. So include your clitoris. That's step number three.
Step four: Get your thoughts on board
And step number four, get your thoughts on board. Thoughts are important. They're very important. Our mind is our biggest sex organ. Now, lot of sex expert will have you fantasize. And that is a very efficient way to orgasm. And actually, women will often fantasize about things that they would never do in real life like rape or dominating, or it’s usually any sort of loss of control.
Now, going back to that whole question of what's healthy for the unity and connection of the couple? What builds unity? That's the question I like to go back to. So for me in my own personal life, and I never make a judgment about this and your decisions, but for me, fantasizing is actually not increasing unity in my relationship with my husband. It takes me a long way from the experience.
So what do I mean by thoughts? I mean thoughts that help you feel connected, help you feel close. Even I remember having sex once and thinking, "I just got my taxes done." And just feeling really empowered that I got my taxes done as a small business owner. And that was a big deal for me. My spreadsheet was done and that thought led to more sexual pleasure, because I was proud of myself. I was empowered. Thoughts of I'm a great wife or even I'm a great mom or I'm a great friend or I am a sexual woman or sex is good for me or I'm safe here. Even just thoughts of pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. This is about pleasure. So, thoughts matter.
Let’s recap the 4 steps to having an orgasm with your husband
Here are the four steps. Learn on your own, make pleasure the goal. That might be the hardest one, but you can do it, I know. Include your clitoris. It absolutely needs to be part of the experience. And step number four, get your thoughts on board. Thoughts of if you're struggling with shame around sex, feeling like maybe you come from a religious background and you're a little bit like, "Well, I don't know if God wants me to touch my clitoris and have an orgasm." Really think about that. Do you think you would have been created with clitoris with 8,000 nerve endings for your pleasure? If it was unnecessary? No. What a waste. Could you imagine giving somebody a gift and they're like, "No, no. I'm not going to do that."
Join the Satisfied Workshop
If you want to learn more, join the workshop. It’s called Satisfied. What a great name. I did not come up with that. A friend did. The Satisfied workshop will help you learn how to have an orgasm for the first time if you've never had one or you're unsure. There's a lot of women who are like, "Was that an orgasm? I don't know. It felt good, but there wasn't all the fireworks I'm being told about."
So, if you've never had one, have one on your own. If you've never orgasmed with your partner before, it’ll help you do that. Or maybe you are having unsatisfying orgasms. If you have orgasms that feel kind of pushy or proving, or too overstimulating, or just the quality of them is not really that great. You're like, "Okay, that was all right, but I'm kind of exhausted or I'm kind of sad afterwards or whatever that might be." So, I like to call them soulful orgasms, which means that it's including your body and your soul and your soul can be whatever you mean of it. Just that part of you where the emotions are in you. And then you can be a whole woman with all your pleasure. So join the Satisfied workshop. It's the first time I'm running it and I am so excited.
I'm so excited to finally share all of my orgasm knowledge with you. And like I mentioned a little bit briefly in this video, I was inorgasmic. Which means I wasn't able to have orgasms. And then I learnt, and then I had very unsatisfying orgasms for like 10 years of my marriage, and then learned how to have soulful ones. And now that I'm in the place where I am having soulful orgasms, I'm like every woman needs to have them or at least needs to have the option to have them. Right?
No. If you don't want them, then why would you have them? That's the whole point. This is not about proving that your body works or anything like that. It's just having the option to have them. I'm guessing your husband has the option to have his, so you should have the option to have yours in a way that feels so good for you. So, come to the workshop. I'd love to see you there.
And until next time, have a pleasurable day. See you later.