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Do you have consent issues in your marriage? Three ways to find out.

July 5, 2021

Uncategorized

Do you have consent issues in your marriage?

Consent does not end with "I do."

Consent in marriage is incredibly important when we're looking at the health of your sex life and the health of your libido.

I help women who are married to men want and enjoy sex more. A huge barrier for women having natural, authentic, wanting and desire is a lack of consent in their relationship.

Without consent, you are always on the defence. You put up with behavior that makes you uncomfortable for fear of a negative consequences if you say, "no."

That leaves no space for actually wanting.

I'm going to cover three ways to take a temperature reading on if consent is actually happening in your relationship.

You may be surprised to find out that it's not, at least not in the ways you think consent works.

There are two critically important steps that absolutely, positively must be followed.

#1: He asks for permission.

This may look very different in different relationships.

In my relationship, the way this looks is as follows. There are areas of my body that I don't want touched. I don't want my boobs grabbed. I don't want my butt squeezed. I don't want my vulva touched (unless I want it).

I've taken it a step further and those areas for me are invitation only. I don't like being put in a position of saying, no; it's just not good for my sexual system.

So, at the very least, your husband asks for permission before touching areas of your body that are extra sensitive to you.

This could include your stomach, your feet, your whole body if that's what you'd like! Your body, your rules.

#2: He doesn't react to adjustments. 

Even if you have very clear boundaries and he knows what is permission-based or initiation-based only on your body, you're still going to make adjustments.

You are a sophisticated woman. You change every single day. Men have a 24-hour hormonal cycle but women have around a 28-day cycle.

I used to have a 42-day long cycle! That was not very fun.

Women's bodies are always in flux and changing and your preferences are allowed to change too.

For example, you may have stated that you're fine with holding hands, but then he goes to hold your hand and in that moment you don't want to hold hands so you take your hand away.

Does he react? Does he make a big deal of it? Does he make it all about him when it has nothing to do with him?

If you're working towards consent in your relationship, this may be a process.

In the beginning, my husband would react defensively because he felt rejected.

That doesn't mean that we shouldn't proceed with seeking full consent in our relationship.

#3: He respects your requests.

It is your body. You know what's best for it, not him. You know what works in the moment and what does not work.

He needs to respect your requests when you make perfectly legitimate adjustments to your own body.

Consent does not end with "I do."

I hope this has helped you can see how consent issues can show up in your relationship.

You may be thinking, "Oh my gosh, I do not have any of those boundaries in place!"

Now, you know a very legitimate reason why you may not have wanted or enjoyed physical affection, physical touch, or sex in a while.

The world likes to diagnose women with low libido, but I am here to say that there are factors in the consent department that you may want to take a closer look at.

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