A big issue that I find happens with married women in the sexual experience is that they are pushing themselves to do things that they are not comfortable with, and even thinking they should like certain things. As a result, they’re not really looking forward to the sexual experience.
Today, we are going to cover something that I believe is such a huge issue in relationships, and I don’t hear people talking about it very much. It is around the issue of consent in marriage within the sexual experience.
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Why is this a big problem if women are pushing themselves to do things that they think they should like or feel like they are obligated to do? Well, it is all about safety. If you don’t feel safe in the sexual experience even with your wonderful husband whom you love and appreciate, then you are not going to enjoy the experience. You’re not going to look forward to it, and you’re not going to be experiencing a lot of pleasure because you need to feel safe in order to do that. It’s a really big problem and it happens in so many really happy marriages.
I’m going to cover a couple of things here. Why do women pressure themselves (because there’s a reason for it)? Why do husbands pressure their wives to do things? It’s relatively simple, but takes some practice to implement into your life – otherwise everyone would be doing it.
So, why do women push themselves? I have talked quite a bit in the past about media and the effect it has on our sex lives because there are so many “shoulds”, that it tells us. We can all name very specific sex acts that are considered acceptable and should be part of the experience. That’s reason number one – all those “shoulds” that we have growing up watching all this stuff (even Disney movies have that stuff) make us think we should push through things we don’t actually enjoy.
Also, we have fear of abandonment. That’s just where we go. We’re worried our husbands are going to be bored, or they’re not having a good time. So we push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Not only out of our comfort zone, but we deny ourselves other very pleasurable things that we would really enjoy because they don’t fit within those terms, so to speak.
Also, women will internalize things and just assume that everything happening is something wrong with them. We think we are the ones broken. We’re the ones that need to be fixed and so if that’s the case, then we should just buck up and just push ourselves to do things that we’re not really enjoying or feel comfortable with.
Why do men push women? I believe men are generally really great. I don’t think they’re pigs or perverts or anything like that. I don’t think they do a lot of this stuff intentionally, just like we’re not doing things intentionally. But again it’s the media. The media teaches men that women like certain things and that certain sexual acts or things about women’s bodies are kind of their right. This sense of entitlement that happens in really great men is so pervasive in our culture. Men think, “If I find looking at my wife naked enjoyable, then that is something that’s my right. I’m married, and so I should be able to ogle her. If I enjoy touching her breasts, then that is my right. That’s just what married couples do. If I like to kiss my wife passionately, then that’s what we should be doing because that’s what everyone does.” The thing is, that is just set up by our culture. That’s not necessarily the truth or what should be happening in your specific relationship.
One more last thing is that women, because they’re worried about abandonment and worried about their husband not having a good time, they’re not necessarily being very truthful – and that’s what I see a lot of times. By the time I support women and sometimes their husbands with one-on-one coaching, I find they have not really been very honest about what’s going on for them in the sexual experience. They’re not actually saying, “I don’t really like those big, wet, sloppy kisses” or “I don’t really like when you touch my breasts” or “I don’t really like it when I’m undressing and you’re staring at me. I don’t really like it when you hug me from behind.” They’re not saying that because they just don’t feel like it’s even an option because of all the “shoulds” from the media, right? So they assume something is wrong with them and push through it.
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What do you do instead? I think we really established that no one is really to blame except for culture and the media. That’s my favourite thing to blame. So no one is doing anything wrong, so to speak.
As a woman, you need to fiercely follow the rule: if it’s a maybe, it’s a no. If it’s a maybe, you are just going to be prone to pushing yourself to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. That’s just the way it works unfortunately. You need to really listen to your intuition. If you’re trying to convince yourself… “oh, well, maybe once I’ll get into it, I’ll enjoy it”, It’s just a no. At this point, women are worried. “Well, if I say no to everything that’s a maybe, I’m not going to enjoy anything because I’m not really a sexual person and I really do need to convince myself or have my husband convince me.”
What I have found again and again with women is once they get themselves down to an utterly basic level, for example, “I enjoy laying on top of my husband and hearing his heartbeat”, Okay, great. That’s a place to start. Right? A lot of times you have to start by thinking, what are the things you don’t like? “I don’t like the stroking feeling, it gives me shivers” or “I don’t like him kissing my neck” or “I don’t like him running his hands through my hair”. All sorts of things.
Then, once you have permission to say no if it’s a maybe, then you’re able to actually free yourself up to really figure out what it is you like – and incredible things come from that; things that you would have never considered a possibility or even something that could be tied to the sexual experience. Holding hands, breathing together… having really slow sex, kissing in different ways, kissing on the cheek perhaps, using your lips in different ways that don’t involve sloppiness. There’s just so many other options out there, but you do have to get that baseline, that foundation… and then you can build from there. Again, follow the rule fiercely: if it’s a maybe, it’s a no.
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One conversation we have a lot in the Facebook group associated with my program 30 Days to Wanting it More is kissing. A lot of women actually don’t enjoy kissing very much – but there are so many options. There are so many ways that you can kiss, and so many ways that you can use your lips. For me, I don’t really like the big, sloppy kissing, but I like to just run my lips over my husband’s. Maybe someone will not call that kissing, but that’s something I really enjoy and it’s a sensation that I never would have experienced or explored if I hadn’t fiercely followed the rule: if it’s a maybe, it’s a no.
Another thing is to be really, really clear with your husband about what you don’t like and what you do like. Feeling really comfortable and confident knowing what you do like is your right. I mean, he’s not doing anything he doesn’t enjoy! That’s what equality is; everyone doesn’t necessarily get to do the same thing, but everyone gets to do things that make them feel comfortable and safe and that give them pleasure.
I hope this has really helped you create some new boundaries in your marriage so that you can start looking forward to the sexual experience. If this is something that you want to learn more about and have more practical tips, more support, I mean so much more, I really recommend you join my program 30 Days to Wanting it More. We just finished the live round, which means that my husband and I did Q&As each single week and recorded them. If you go in there, you can find out how a real life couple implements these suggestions that I’m offering all the time.
I hope you do consider joining the program. It’s super fun if I do say so myself! Talk to you guys later.