Can we ever really balance everything in our lives? I get asked a lot how I balance being a mom and intimacy. Because there are a lot of things about motherhood that negatively impact your intimacy, that is what I am talking about. I hope that you feel validated and that you feel normal as you read this blog. I want you to feel hopeful as well. There are some simple things that you can do to make it all balance out as much as possible.
Negative Impacts on Intimacy
We have to start with reality. You know this if you’re a mom and you’re married. You likely struggle with this. There isn’t a ton of energy and time left over. It is being sucked up by the people who need you.
Those Little People Need You
You feel needed all the time. You have to get snacks and take them to their things, and to the potty, depending on where you are in your motherhood journey. There’s just very little time for yourself, especially if your kids are young. My kids are now 10 and 11, so I have more time to myself, but I clearly remember those young days. It gets better by the way.
Your Body Changes
You might gain some weight or you might look differently. Maybe you have some stuff going on with your lady bits after kids. Super fun. You also might be feeling uncomfortable about being a mom and a sexual person at the same time.
Maybe you’re breastfeeding and that feels odd that you’re using your breasts to feed your baby when you used to like your breasts being touched in the sexual experience. And then now you’re like, “No, that’s weird.” I find that that can be really hard for women to make that transition from I’m a mom now and I’m interacting with my kids, (which is super not in a sexual experience), to now I’m with my husband, and now I have to be this goddess of the bedroom. It just doesn’t feel really comfortable.
It’s Not All Negative
There are actually some things about motherhood that positively impact intimacy. You might be surprised about this, but the number one thing, I think, is motivation. Now you have the motivation to work on your sex life because I am sure you want to pass on a really good sense of healthy sexuality to your children.
Maybe they’re getting a bit older and they’re asking questions, or you’re having to explain things they see on TV. Or maybe you just want to really set them up for success as they move into the older years, and the only way that you can authentically give them a good perspective about healthy sexuality is to make sure that it’s happening in your own life.
Kids really do as we do, not as we say. So even though you’re not going to be sharing details about your sex life with your children, they just know. And you can be way more clear about your message to them if things in your own life are going really well and you’re really happy with that.
You are also likely motivated because you want to give your kids a really happy home life, and the foundation of a happy home life is a really happy marriage. Sex can really provide a lot of joy, relaxation, and peace for you and your spouse if you’re doing it in the right way. It can also provide a lot of stress and tension, so again, the motivation to work on your sex life can happen when you have children and you’re starting to think about their growth and development.
Tips to Balance It All
So here are some simple tips to work on your, or to balance intimacy and marriage. Then I’m going to tell you a really funny story after this.
The biggest tip I can give you is to schedule sex. I know this goes against all of those notions of spontaneity and all that stuff we’re fed by the media, but when you schedule it, then you know it’s going to happen. You don’t have to think about it every night. Can you or can you not get in the mood?
Then you can also set your children up to know that this is mommy and daddy’s time. You can get a lock for your door and can set it like a routine in your life and then it’s just happening. Just like if you sign up for a yoga class and you pay the money, you’re going to go to it. So if you schedule this time, it’s more likely to happen.
Ditch The Expectations
Sometimes when you schedule it, you can feel a lot of anxiety and pressure to make it this amazing experience.
Just let it be whatever it is in the moment, and really try to take goals off the table so you can just relax and be with your partner. Even if it’s just a 30-minute back massage, then that’s still counted as some physical time together, doing something special that you don’t do with anybody else in your life. And just being naked can really give you those oxytocin hormones, and bond you guys together.
The number two tip is to get some everyday pleasure in your life. Whether that’s just five minutes staring at the sky and delighting in the beautiful colors. Or if that’s something a little bit longer, like a little bit of a walk for pleasure, not necessarily for exercise.
Maybe that’s getting a nice smelling dish soap so that every time you do dishes you’re smelling that. Or putting in a podcast so you don’t hear the kids screaming. Any sort of pleasure that you can incorporate into your daily life will really help you transition from motherhood during motherhood time into a time to connect with your husband, and really enjoy some physical pleasure.
This is For You
Lastly, see sex as something that you do for yourself, not as a need that you fulfill for your husband. You provide a lot of needs for other people during the day. Anytime, day and night you are providing, providing, providing, especially if your kids are young. The last thing that you need to be doing is providing another need for somebody else.
Actually, sex is really good for you. It’s good for your health and your mental wellbeing. It’s good for your spiritual well-being. There are so many things that it really provides you. It can boost your creativity and your productivity if you didn’t know that. But make sure that you are having an experience that fulfills you and satisfies you, and isn’t just something that you’re trying to satisfy your husband with.
A Free Gift
If you want more tips on balancing motherhood and intimacy, or if you want to know the desire fix that is specifically for you, I invite you to take my brand new quiz. It’s called the four desire fixes, and it takes a lot of these things we talked about today into consideration as you get to know the one desire fix that is specifically for you. The one that you need the most.
I serve so many mothers in my program and with my clients, and I definitely get where you’re coming from and how challenging it can be. So click here to take that quiz.
Let me know what your quiz results are. Send me email and I’d love to chat more. If you have any more questions about how to balance motherhood and intimacy, I am here for you in a very realistic and practical way.
I’ll talk to you later.