The most common advice that I hear women get if they want to want it more, is to “just do it.” This advice makes me cringe because it’s so detrimental to women’s health and for wanting it more in the long term. Even though so many marriage professionals, and therapists, and counselors give this advice, it doesn’t work. So today I’m going to tell you what to do instead.
First off, why is this advice being given in the first place? I believe it’s because there just is not enough specific training given to therapists and counselors around helping women want it more. There’s also a lack of confidence in giving women what they really need. And the challenging thing is that we all know that intimacy is important in a marriage.
You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t think so yourself. But we don’t know how, or the majority of the help out there doesn’t know how, to help women do this without pressuring them, or making them feel obligated, or guilting them into it, which totally doesn’t work.
So why is pushing yourself to have sex when you really don’t want to a big issue? It’s a huge issue because women need to feel 100% safe and interested in order to want to be intimate with their husbands. Otherwise, because it’s such a sensitive topic, you can feel icky, and gross, and even violated, which is the exact opposite of what you need to enjoy a relaxing, unifying, supporting, exciting experience with your man.
Really, this advice backfires in the long run. Even though it may seem like the right thing. Just just do it. Push yourself. Force yourself to do it. It’s no bueno, and we really can’t do it.
I know that you want to want it, but you just don’t. You know it’s good for your marriage. You may feel guilty that you aren’t speaking your husband’s love language, so you need some advice that actually works and isn’t going to make things worse in the long term. Here’s what you need to know.
About 70% of women have responsive desire. This means that you need to be in an opportunity to get in the mood or want it. You aren’t necessarily going to have a spontaneous desire, which is the other 30%. Spontaneous desire just kind of happens suddenly, out of the blue. If it hasn’t happened a while, there it is. You don’t actually have to be in a relevant situation for that feeling to start to come alive and to emerge.
So you will need to be in a situation that you can potentially be intimate with your husband. A situation where you feel relaxed, you know that your voice will be heard, and then enjoyable things can happen with your partner. You need to schedule some time for this.
But you must take goals off the table. I want you to see this as a self-care practice for you, and leave the experience so that you could have 100% safety that you need. I’m going to go through that again because it’s so important.
All goals. You’ve been taught to be intimate with goals. But how can anyone enjoy the experience when there’s that much pressure? Instead, see this as a self-care practice for you. How is this going to support you from a mental, emotional, physical, spiritual standpoint? All of those bases are covered if you’re having experiences that support you and are satisfying for you.
And lead the experience. Yes, I believe that women need to be the leaders of their sexual experience in order for them to feel 100% safe and comfortable and start to see themselves as actually the sexual beings that they are.
So you might say, “Janna, at this point, there is no difference. I’m just going to be telling myself to just do it over again.” Here’s the difference. Imagine going into a really terrible dental procedure and you’re like, “I just got to do it. I’m just going to go in there, just do it, get it over with, get my root canal, and get over it and it will be done with. I’m going to bear and endure.” That’s the one aspect, one side of it.
The other side of it is, “I’m going to put on my yoga pants and I’m going to grab my yoga mat. Even though I know I’m a little tired and I’m a little distracted, I know that it’s good for me. And when I’m done with the experience, I’m going to feel more creative, more relaxed, and more connected”. All the wonderful feelings.
So in those two instances, yes, you are kind of encouraging yourself to do something that you don’t really want to do. You’d rather go eat a chocolate bar or watch some Netflix, but the two different scenarios are very, very different.
One of the most important things is that you are creating experiences that you can look forward to again, and again, and again because you don’t want to have dental procedures sex. You just don’t want to. No one’s going to look forward to that.
So if you’re like, “I need some more support and I need some more step-by-step action plans,” I’ve got you covered. Get on my email list by taking the super fun quiz, The Four Desire Fixes, and that way you can start right now figuring out the exact desire fix that is specifically designed for you.
Click here to go take that quiz, and in the meantime, please don’t just do it. Don’t just do it. Schedule, lead, create safety, see it as a self-care practice for you.
I hope that helped. I’ll talk to you soon.