I am so excited to come to you guys today and talk about something that I feel really, really passionate about: your mental capacity. There are so many thoughts that can come up when you’re thinking about improving your sex life, but before I go into one of the most common ones I hear, let me tell you who I am. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I am a sex coach for married women, and I am incredibly passionate about helping all females everywhere be able to have sex that they truly enjoy and look forward to.
Because my experience for so many years in my marriage was feeling a lot of guilt and resentment. I felt broken. I felt like I had to fix myself. And I couldn’t find any advice other than just do it, which didn’t work for me. So, I want to spread the message that it is possible and I am proof that it is. And also the hundreds and hundreds of women that I have supported through the years.
You need change but right now seems challenging
Today I’m going to be addressing a really common thought, which is, “I know that there needs to be something that changes with my sex life. I know that I don’t want it or enjoy it, and I know that it’s not working for my husband. It’s not working for me. We’re fighting about it. I’m feeling really frustrated. I don’t want him to touch me ever again in my life. But right now I don’t have the mental capacity to work on this.
Especially now with the COVID-19 situation, I’ve got other things on my mind, more important things like homeschooling my kids or getting our finances sorted out, or figuring out how to keep my job. Having my husband home more often, all the dishes, all the laundry, all the things that need to get done. Those need my mental attention right now.”
And also you might be thinking, “Maybe it’s just easier for things to continue the way they are. Maybe it’s not that bad. We’ve first survived this for so long.” For most of the women I support, they’ve been doing this for 7, 10, or 15 years. And really what’s one more year of this crummy situation?
What if I told you that I could walk you through a simple step-by-step formula, that would have you go from where you are now to sex being a non-issue in your relationship? Not fighting about it. Having it be consistent and enjoyable and something that you think fondly of and look forward to. What if it didn’t require that much mental capacity actually? And you didn’t have to dig back into your history and find all the trauma to heal and do all the things?
What else are you thinking?
If I told you that, what would be the thought underneath it then? What would you then go, “yeah, but? But?” I want to know that thought. So if you could do me a favor and send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org, and let me know what else is going on for you. Because my guess is that there are more things. Some of the thoughts that I had were, “Maybe I’m just broken and can’t fix myself so why even try? Why even extend any mental capacity on this when I’m just going to find out at the end of it that I’m actually irreparable. Maybe my husband will leave me.”
A lot of women say, I know he won’t leave, but there is this fear of abandonment that a lot of us women deal with. So, “maybe he’ll leave me, maybe he’ll just be so frustrated and maybe I’m just not worth the effort in the long run. Or maybe I’m just not cut out for this sex stuff, I’ve just got too much stuff. Too much baggage, shame, and it’s just not for me.”
I’m going to ask you a lot of questions. So let me ask you another one. How much mental capacity right now is being used up in your brain thinking about sex? Just as it is right now. Not changing anything, not talking about anything. Because my guess is, like I had for a long time, sex is taking a big chunk of your mental capacity.
What’s going on in your head?
So, just take one little thing. For example, he touches you. In your mind it might go something like this, “He’s touching me. What does he want? Oh my gosh. It’s been a week or a month or a year since we last had sex, and I’m really not in the mood and I’m never in the mood. What’s wrong with me? I should make an appointment with my doctor. What if this can never be fixed? I feel so guilty. But wait a minute. Why does he demand so much of me? Why is this my duty? He never helps out around the house. Maybe if he would just do the dishes. Oh, he’s still touching me!”
That’s just one instance I’m imagining of what you’re going through right now. All of this mental gymnastics. Let me read you just one little paragraph. I have a document of all the women I’ve supported and I’ve asked them, “What was it like for you before you did my program? The Wanting It More program. Where were you at?”
I have pages and pages of these answers and this is just the first one I took out at random.
Here’s what she said.
“My husband and I have been struggling in this department for years. I can’t even remember the last time I wanted to have sex except for when I’m pregnant, but I can’t stay pregnant all the time. We only had sex when I would force myself out of guilt, but it wasn’t good for me. And he had expressed that he was tired of only getting guilt sex. We had a great marriage except for this one thing. It was really the only thing we fought about. And it started to affect the rest of our relationship and it would come up every single night. It got to where I would avoid going to bed at the same time as him, so we wouldn’t have to have the same discussion again.”
You took up a lot of mental capacity here.
The Reality of all the mental gymnastics
Imagine how much mental capacity this woman was dealing with daily. Thankfully she doesn’t have to deal with that anymore. It’s gone. You wiped it clean. So, I really want to share with you that this is possible, that you can go through a period of transition. It doesn’t have to take all of your time or all of your thoughts.
In fact, I think you would actually have more mental capacity if you work on this in the long run. For me, I would go into a depression every time we would have a conversation, a couple of days of just being so low when we would fight about sex. I would have a hard time concentrating with my kids or on my work.
I would love for you to be able to free up your mental capacity when it comes to this topic. So, if you are ready for doing that, I would love for this to be a non-issue in your relationship. I have a free class that you can join. If you just go to jannadentonhowes.com/freeclass, you’ll get to be able to choose one of three times to join the class. The Real Reason for a Lack of Desire and the Six-Step Solution to Reconnecting Again. It is possible and it will actually give you more capacity in your beautiful big brain.
I’ll talk to you soon.