I have come to a really clear understanding about how I want to serve my community and this is what I want to talk about today. I was on a business coaching call about a week ago and we were talking about our purpose and who we're helping. It made me realize that I have been hiding a little bit. Well it's not that I've been hiding, I don't see it as a negative thing. I just see it as a natural progression that I needed to go through.
I trained as a marriage coach. First you go through life coach training and then you take a specialty on relationships. And the one I chose is marriage and I love marriage. I can talk about communication strategies, I can talk about the female and male brain. I can talk about increasing vulnerability and intimacy and connection. I could geek out about that all day long.
But as most of you know, I specialize in helping married women want and enjoy sex more with their husbands. I specialize in that because it was my struggle for so many years of my relationship and I could find nobody to help me in the long run.
There was a lot of advice that didn't work. There were a lot of people who didn't understand me. There were a lot of suggestions that were so broad and unhelpful and actually became really detrimental to my progress. Advice like “just do it, it's good for your marriage. It's like kale, just got to eat it.” A lot of stuff about how to have a pleasurable experience. How to achieve orgasm and quite frankly I was doing that.
I could do it, but I still didn't look forward to it. Still didn't want it. I still felt like I was broken and that there was something wrong with me. But the last couple of days I have just gotten so clear on my mission in life, what I am meant to do in this world. Because I want anyone ever again to go through what I went through; feeling alone and broken and confused and frustrated and resentful and guilty and full of shame. Feeling not good enough as a wife and as a person. Feeling like they seem to be lacking something that everybody else seemed to be just fine with.
So I am coming out as a Sex Coach
So I'm coming out as a sex coach and that's scary for me and it feels like just one more step in removing the baggage of shame and fear that I originally healed with the sexual experience in my marriage. I had to go through a lot of work to see sex as something beautiful and pleasurable and enjoyable and normal and spiritual. Something that didn't have to be such a big deal, but also could contribute to my life in such a wonderful way. And now the next step, I'm realizing, is fully embracing what I do.
Who will they think I am?
I'd often describe myself, you probably read this or heard this before in my videos, as a marriage coach who specializes in helping married women with low libido. Because that felt safe. I thought if I call myself a sex coach, what are people going to think of me? What are they going to think I do? What kind of person will they think I am? Because we have such a messed up world when it comes to sex. Are they going to imagine that I'm asking people to do BDSM or kinky, weird, uncomfortable things? I'm not that person. I'm just a regular person.
Who I am NOT
I'm not that sex goddess with all of her yonis and jade eggs and all of that stuff. I'm not the sex therapist with the clipboard and the diagnosing and the distance from their clients. I am not the person who wants to talk about vibrators and sex swings and toys and all of that. I am not a Christian blogger who talks about scripture. I never really felt like I could fit in this world because if I can't find somebody like me, then I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be here. And this is a bigger story that I think we should all question. But what I realized is that my own insecurities, my own shame, has been really getting in the way of me fully showing up for the women out there who need me, which might be you. I hope it is. Because if it is, I'm here to help you, the women who are needing support right now. The women who don't have time. They don't have time for Janna to be worrying about this stuff anymore.
Let's talk about Mary
We're kind of done with that. So I've named her. Her name is Mary. Mary for married women. And I imagine Mary frustrated after another argument with her husband. Mary is feeling broken and alone and confused because she loves her husband. Everything else is going pretty good in her relationship. But what is going on? Is it something hormonal? Is it something from her childhood? Is it trauma? Is it this? Why? The big question for Mary is, why?
So if you see yourself in Mary in any shape or form, maybe you're struggling with finding your husband attractive. Maybe you do have a few other things happening in your relationship that you need support with. But if you are like, yes, Janna please tell me what to do. You are my person and I am promising from now on to not get distracted, to not hide away, to not worry about what people may think of me or that I don't fit in some box that has just been created out of nothing really. All labels are just...whatever. They don't even exist.
Who I am
I'm just a regular woman. A couple of kids. Going to my Jazzercise. Hanging out with a few friends on Zoom. Trying to figure out how to cook meals and declutter my closet AND ALSO enjoy sex with my husband. Not Because I am some uppity sex goddess or something. Not because I want to put you in a box and diagnose you and label you, which is unfortunately what we have happening right now.
Here's your free pass
So listen, if you're in my community and you've come here from a different place, I've run classes about the male brain. I have run classes about how to stay calm in your mind and in your marriage. I've done videos about general communication topics. I've done lots of things. If you are in my community, whether that's on social media or my email list and you really like my stuff, but you’re good in the sex department...I'm going to start annoying you because that's all I'm going to be talking about.
Now the reason for that is because there are a lot of other people who talk about general marriage stuff. But there is nobody, that I can find, who is talking to Mary from a place of normalcy. I cringe when I use the words normal and sex together, but we got each other here. We understand each other. Regular, average. You can come into my world and not have to be worried about what you're going to bump into. I keep it mellow because that's what sex is all about. Sex isn't about looking up and finding all the things that you can do to create something artificial from the outside world. Sex is about who you are as a woman. It's from inside, it's internal and eternal.
Did you already know this?
So thank you for being on this journey with me. I've come out to some of my friends and they're like, yeah Janna we knew that already. So what's the big deal? You might be like that or you might be like, “Oh okay cool, good to know. That's awesome. That's something I need.” Or maybe you're saying, “Yes, yes please help me with all the things. I'm so glad Janna is finally focusing.”
Here's a heads up
So I'm going to be doing a few things in the coming months and I just want to give you a heads up. Usually I don't like to announce things before they're actually happening, but I just feel like this heart to heart warrants a little bit more informal conversation with you. So we started a new podcast. You might have listened to my old podcast called Real Talk with Married Women. It was a safe entry into the world of podcasting.
I really enjoyed it. We had some wonderful conversations. The topic of sex sneaked in a little bit because most of the people I interviewed were my Wanting It More program alumni participants. But this podcast, (I won't tell you the name yet because I just love it so much and I want to release it then) is going to be entirely devoted to helping married women enjoy and want sex more with their husbands. I'm going to be interviewing people that I admire and I believe can really further the conversation. I'm going to be talking to women who are brave enough to share their own experiences. I'm going to be doing solo episodes and I'm going to be starting to shift away from video and more into the podcast.
And the reason for that is I think Mary doesn't have time to watch videos as much as I would love her to. Because I find creating videos really fun and I have been told I'm really good on camera, so I thought, okay, if the focus is on what I'm good at, then let's just keep on doing lots of videos. But, if my focus now is shifting from me to Mary, to you who really needs help in a way that's more accessible, I believe a podcast is the way to go. Correct me if I am wrong. You can go for a walk and pop in your ear buds. You can do dishes. You can do it when you're hanging out with your kids. There's so many more options for a podcast, and so I am so crazy excited.
I can't even tell you when I've made this decision to really focus all of my energy on helping Mary. I have felt reinvigorated, reinspired, thrilled, focused, determined. Anytime I want to make a decision, because if you've ever run your own business you know there are a million decisions to make, I ask myself, “Does it serve Mary? Does it help Mary in any shape or form?” Because I don't think this is just a miracle magic cure. This is a process. This is learning about ourselves in such a deep way and it requires focus. So much focus and passion and if there's anything that I have insane amounts of passion for, it's this.
What's coming up in May
I won't be launching that podcast until after we open the doors to the Wanting It More program which is going to be happening at the end of May. You're going to start getting notices in the month of May and I'm so excited to start launching it during that time because when I'm working with women in the Wanting It More program, it's just the best feeling in the whole wide world. Plus, I'm very inspired because we get on group calls and there's all sorts of questions and engagement and just lots of chat in the Facebook group. It's so exciting to be in it and helping and serving. It's just my honor, it's my absolute honor.
But for now...
So I'm going to be running a class next week. You can sign up here. In this class I'm not going to sell you anything. It's going to be pure teaching and helping and surveying and answering questions. Usually these classes run for about two hours. You don't have to stay for two hours. But it's really fun when we get into great conversations. And so I'm really excited if you can join that. I want to know about everything I can help you with. And that's it. Sign up here to join the class.
So I'm a sex coach guys. I'm a sex coach. I'm not a marriage coach. And that's hard to say. I won't lie. And I tried to get around it. I'm like, well maybe I can call myself an intimacy coach. Then I'm like, No. No! I am not going to shy away from this because I can reclaim any word and if there's any word that I want to reclaim, it's sex and pleasure and vulva. Let's throw in penis there too. I'll reclaim that word as well.
I'm so grateful for you
All right. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you to all of my amazing participants of the Wanting It More program. I have grown along with you. We have co-created this community and I love each and everyone of you so much and I take you and put you in my heart and I just carry you around forever. And if you haven't been able to join the Wanting It More program, you're on my email list or you're part of my Facebook community or our paths have crossed in some way, thank you. Thank you for responding to surveys that I put out. Thank you for coming to my classes and filling them with energy. Thank you for liking my posts on Facebook and commenting and being brave along with me to reclaim this area of our lives.
All right. Time for the love fest to end. Thank you for coming along. Thank you for being in my community and I just can't wait for moving forward with focused support. Talk to you soon.