I think a lot of people think that the only way to stop fighting about sex is to have it more. One person wants it less. And the other person wants to have it more. And the fighting is about not having it enough.
So it makes sense that the person who doesn’t want it as much will think, “Well, if I just somehow fix myself or somehow force myself to do it or somehow make it happen, then we’ll stop fighting about it and it will be all okay.” This is why women who come into my community often report feeling like there’s something wrong with them, that they’re broken, that they have to fix it.
So, this is going to be less about strategy and a step-by-step process and more about how we think about fighting, equality and the sexual experience. To stop fighting about sex is really stopping a pattern. Because if you’re fighting about anything, you’re in a predictable routine. Something happened or somebody said something. Rinse and repeat.
In my marriage, that happened every three months. Not sure why, but we would get into a disagreement every three months, and it was always about sex. We would fight about it and it was very predictable. It was as if you could just press play and it would go on its merry way.
The first thing to stop fighting about anything, is to acknowledge that it’s a pattern and that you have a part to play in the pattern. Because I’m guessing you aren’t sitting down with your husband right now reading this blog. I’m just talking to you.
I really encourage you to be the spark of change. And I’m not saying go fix yourself. I’m not saying you’re broken. I’m not saying go get the magic pill and suddenly want it all the time.If you can acknowledge that you do play a part in the pattern, then you can go somewhere with it.
You’re not blaming yourself. You’re not blaming your partner. You’re taking responsibility of your marriage. In fact, you’re taking 100% responsibility of your marriage, because we all have to do that. This whole 50/50 thing just doesn’t work.
And one of the ways you can stop this type of pattern is to accept yourself fully. It’s basically one of the hardest things to do for women who don’t feel a lot of desire. Accept the fact that you don’t really enjoy certain sexual acts. That’s just a fact. Accept the fact that you maybe don’t want to do it at night. It’s just a fact.
And then after you accept yourself fully, then you can set boundaries. And boundaries are probably one of the hardest things for people to do. Accepting yourself is challenging, but setting boundaries is really challenging because you’re taking what you’re accepting about yourself and then putting it out in the world in a really clear firm way.
You can’t fight when one person is accepting themselves fully, taking responsibility, and setting healthy, clear boundaries. There’s nowhere to go with that. So, in my case, how we were able to stop fighting about sex was that I just realized some things about myself.
I realized that I could no longer have sex again if I didn’t really want to. And that was a scary thing for me to accept because I felt like I never wanted it. But that was something that I needed. It was how my body was created.
I can’t be in that kind of intimate space and not be fully onboard. And I had to set that boundary. And when I set that boundary, it was scary, it was hard, it was a difficult time in our relationship. But it was the start of not fighting about it ever again.
I’m very happy to say we do not fight about sex. It’s been a couple years now, which I could never imagine that I would have been at this place and being able to say this very authentically to you. And I actually can’t say that about anything else. Money maybe, but we’re working on it.
I may sound like a broken record, but scheduling sex is one of the best ways not to fight about having sex. It’s on the calendar. Everyone knows when it is. The expectations are super clear. And you don’t have to do that really awkward initiation dance. Feelings don’t need to be hurt. You don’t have to feel rejected. You don’t have to feel think, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t want it all the time.” It’s just on the calendar.
Now, if you experience performance anxiety, like say you schedule it for Saturday mornings, my favorite time, and you’re worried about it, then we need to take a step back. We need to make sure that what you are scheduling, what you’re doing together, is 100% what you want to be doing.
And we get pretty radical in my program and when I coach clients about this. So that’s just something to be aware of. That the only time that scheduling doesn’t work is if you’re not having experiences that you 100% can look forward to.
So I really encourage you, if you are fighting about sex, to make those steps. Don’t participate in the pattern anymore by fully accepting yourself, setting clear boundaries, and scheduling sex is just a little bonus thrown in there.
You can be the spark of change in your relationship with anything that you’re arguing about. But it does take some maturing, growing up, figuring out where you stand and what your lines are. And I’m excited to see how it goes for you. Good luck.
I’ll talk to you soon.