You know, I tried a lot of things when it came to improving my desire with my husband. I went to see many professionals and read many books. And the most common advice that I got, to try spicing things up, did not work. Okay, maybe it worked temporarily. But it did not really work.
Why? Why is this being told everywhere? Because it doesn’t work. Yes, it helped a little. It helped in the short term, in the physical sense. But that was not what I was really looking for.
It Didn’t Work
So here are the things I tried. A little role-playing, some toys, special clothes, getting my mind in funky places, reading some stuff. Do you know what I’m talking about here? And spicing things up this way made things worse.
So yes, as I said, temporarily physically enjoyable. But I felt icky, uncomfortable a lot of the time. And it wasn’t satisfying. It wasn’t fulfilling. And that’s what I needed to want again and again and again. I wanted to look forward to it. I wanted to want it, and I wasn’t.
What I Really Wanted
So, how was I going to get that regular heartbeat in my marriage? Because that was really important. That’s what I genuinely wanted. And maybe you genuinely want that too. Maybe you’re like, “Janna, no. I’m good”. And so this probably isn’t the video for you. But if you’re in the place where I was, I was like, “Please give me some solutions”. This is the video for you.
I’ve been married for 19 years. I do look young and I got married really young. So I legitimately can talk about this very authentically. For 10 years of my marriage, I searched and searched and felt broken and abnormal and things were not going well.
What I Wasn’t Getting
I wanted closeness- a connection that felt natural. For it to just happen. I wanted to chill out and be myself. Goofy, five-foot-three, sweatshirt-wearing mom, you know? I wasn’t going to be, I wasn’t going to be that “sex kitten”. But I just wanted to be me, but me in the bedroom with my husband.
In the long term, “Spicing it up” is just not going to satisfy most of us. It’s just not fulfilling from an emotional, mental, or even spiritual standpoint. So here are some of the things I have discovered.
Must-Haves In Your Marriage
Three things that you absolutely must have in your marriage if you want to feel closer and connected to your husband. Three things you must have if you want to look forward to sex and want it and have that frequency that you’re probably looking for. Or maybe you’re not, but in the back of your mind you’re like, “Probably that would be good for my marriage”.
As a side note, a lot of women I talk to are at that place of just guilt when it comes to sex and they just want to fix it. So this isn’t a short-term solution and it’s not about guilting you into anything. This is a long-term solution.
You Need Safety
You need to feel safe 100% of the time. And I’m not talking about physical safety. I’m not saying your husband going to harm you in any way. Please, if he is, get some help.
What I’m talking about is emotional safety. This means that you need to be okay with 100% certainty what you’re doing with your husband. You need to really enjoy it. You need to like holding his hand or having him put his hand on your back. What does that feel like for you?
For me, I’m super-cool with that. I love it. That’s where you need to start. And you only do things that you 100% enjoy. Otherwise, it’s not a connection. It’s not growing in or helping your marriage, or helping you establish what you really, really want. Therefore you’re not going to look forward to it. And you’re not going to want it more and more. Okay?
What If You Don’t Enjoy Anything?
You might worry that if I’m asking you to do this and you’re actually not going to enjoy anything. Maybe you’re afraid you’ll be like, “Hmm, there’s nothing there.” You do. I promise you that you do enjoy things. But you just need a little practice and a little bit more of it.
And it builds and builds like a snowball and it works. I promise, I’ve seen this happen with hundreds of women and couples and have the research to back this up.
You Need Connection
All right guys, what’s the next thing? You need to feel connected to your partner. And the quickest way to do this that I know of, is to pull out one of your insecurities, “I’m a bad mom. I’m a bad wife. Etc”. For me, it is about success. I want to feel really successful in my life and sometimes I don’t.
And so I asked my husband, “are you proud of me?” And he says, “Yes, I’m proud of you.” Ladies, I could hear that all day long. And I do. I ask that again and again, and he responds again and again. It’s like I love you, but way better. And way better than all the other sexy phrases that you could hear.
You Need Acceptance
The next thing is you need to feel accepted. And really accepted, it’s more of a self-acceptance thing. Of course, you need to feel accepted by your husband, but you need to feel accepted of yourself where you’re at right now.
And I know I wasn’t at a place where I was like, I love this. I felt like my body was not responding as I wanted it to and I felt like everyone else in the world was enjoying sex but me. What’s wrong? The thing is, if you can right now, wherever you are in your journey towards wanting it, accept where you are in that continuum. And know that you are not alone.
There are thousands and thousands of other women who have the exact same feelings as you. I know that because when women come into my program or into my world, they’re like, “Janna, there’s this whole population of women who are saying exactly how I felt for so many years. But I thought I was the only one.” And I’m like, “I know, I know”.
If you want to take the next step, which I highly recommend you do, I invite you to take the four desire fixes quiz. It’s the best way to get started right away with some of these concepts in a way that is uniquely designed for you. So please, click here to take the quiz, and I will see you on the other side with a customized video just for you. Then you’ll also be on my email list and you’ll hear about the next time the “Wanting it more” program is opened.
And it’s an amazing program if I do say so myself. It’s helped me for years now to have that regular heartbeat in my marriage and in a way that makes me feel connected and closer and not uncomfortable. And I don’t ask people to do weird stuff. I promise you. That’s one of the biggest hesitations. People are like, “Well, what is she going to ask me to do?” No, it’s super chill. Okay, I’ll see you on the other side. Take that quiz and I will talk to you very, very soon.