The Myth of the Missionary Position

The Myth of the Missionary Position. I'm so excited for this blog because it drives me crazy that when people think of sex, they think of the missionary position-which is horrible for women in so many ways. And it's definitely something that I held on a pedestal as the ultimate pure way to have sex and that the whole world should be doing it. And that one day it was going to feel good for me and then I was going to be validated and normal like everything I saw on TV. 

While it might be a good position for lights, camera, action and for thinking about sex in its pure form (which is that kind of sex that is not good for the woman)... It's just not good for anybody. So the myth of the missionary position is that it feels good for women.

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Here's the myth

That the missionary position feels good for women. And that it's also that pure form of sex. Now I thought a missionary like Christian, pure, God-like, but I did a little research and it turns out that Alfred Kinsey, who did lots of research on sexuality, actually coined the term. And there is some misconception around the way he discovered the term and why he came up with it. It doesn't actually correlate with history. So it's this term that everybody uses and it literally was just made up by one man. So that's fascinating. 

Why is it common? Men control the thrust, so it feels good for men and it's probably visually appealing, because the woman's just laying on the bed, not saying anything. I have feelings about this one. 

A small percentage of women will enjoy this position. So of course I never want to make anybody feel abnormal or weird at all. If you enjoy it and it's wonderful, that is fantastic for you, keep on doing it. Please keep on doing things that bring you pleasure and joy and delight, please.

Clitoral Stimulation

But if it doesn't work for you, here are some things that you might want to consider. Clitoral stimulation. This position is terrible for clitoral stimulation. Just think about the angles and where the clitoris is, which is a very important place for women's pleasure. The clitoris is like the shaft or the head of the penis for men.

We would never ever, ever tell a man, 'I’m just going to rub your testicles and you're going to have delightful orgasms from that.' We would never do that! So why would we ever do that to women? 'We're just going to have this thrusting in and out of your vagina and it's going to feel fantastic.'

That's crazy! So it's very hard for the clitoris to be involved in this position. And again, you cannot control the thrusting at all. And deep penetration is maybe a nice side course later on down the dinner table, say course number four. But in the beginning and alone, it's just not going to do it. And it's very hard to access the clitoris. It's not stimulating clitoris. You can't get your hands in there. No vibrators can get there.

A positive to the missionary position

There is one benefit to the missionary position though, and that is skin to skin. There is closeness, you might be able to be looking at each other and you're nuzzling each other, speaking loving things into each other's ears, putting your cheeks together. You can hold each other. You can embrace. Look, you can do that as part of your sexual experience without having to have this position. Why don't you lay on him and he can wrap his arms around you? I did this literally in my last sexual experience. 

He can wrap his arms around you. You can both be naked. You can get that real great oxytocin of that delicious bonding skin to skin. You can look at each other in the eyes. Just because penetration is not involved doesn't mean that it's not a legitimate sexual experience or is a legitimate sexual position.

A position that works well for women

So since I've been really bashing this one, let me tell you a position that works very well for me and works very well for a lot of the women that I serve in the Wanting it More Program. And it's called the starfish position. I learnt about it in the book, “How to Have an Orgasm as Often as You Want” by Rachel Swift. So thank you very much, Rachel, it's amazing!

So imagine you are laying on the bed, laying down and your husband is laying down on your right hand side. Do you imagine that? You're both laying down. Hello husband. Hello wife. You got it. Then what you're going to do is you're going to go perpendicular to him. And then you're going to take your left leg and stick it in between his legs. And then you can take your right leg and stick it on top. (It would be helpful for you to watch the attached video to be able to visualize this well). There is some access to the genitals. You might have to do some shimmying around. You might have to put some pillows somewhere, but just give yourself some adjusting time. Don't worry if it's not working right away.

In this position, you can still see each other. You can hold hands. You can look at each other lovingly, but you have full access to your clitoris. Yay! You can use your hands. You can use a vibrator. He can use his hands, but I don't recommend that because a clitoris has got 8,000 nerve endings and it's very particular and small and it needs a very sophisticated touch. So depending on where you're at with that, I just never assumed my husband's going to be able to get it as good as me, so why don't I just do it? 

It makes the most sense. And in this position you aren't necessarily controlling the penetration, although you can wrap your legs around his buttock and pull it closer. But the penetration is more like a bumping sensation, which is delightful for the vagina. It's delightful.

Give it a try. The starfish position-Rachel Swift. You can pick up her book, How to Have an Orgasm as Often as You Want. I don't love the whole book, that was probably the highlight for me, but it is an excellent one. So if you ever happen to be browsing through a bookstore or see it just quickly go find that one and take a mental note. 

All right, until next time let's just go and have enjoyable experiences with our husbands without feeling like we have to fit into any box that our culture has told us that we do. You have a body. Your body has nerves. Your nerves have pleasure capacity. Go and explore your pleasure capacity with your darling husband by your side. He cares about you and about your pleasure and your comfort and your safety and your enjoyment and your delights and your ecstasy very, very much. 

I hope this was helpful. Let's just all spread the Myth of the Missionary Position. 

I'll talk to you later.

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