Today, I'm going to be sharing something I'm really excited about because we are often told that increasing our libido, wanting sex more, however you want to say it, is difficult. We're not told that explicitly, but we're told that in so many subtle, small ways in the fact that there's no simple guidance and everyone has conflicting ideas about how this works.
You have some people saying that it's like a mental thing. Some people say that it's a physical thing. Some people say that you need to just take your stress away. All of these things feel really challenging and hard to do, like we have to live a different life in order for this to work.
I think deep down, this is how I felt, and I'm curious if you felt this way, too. “There's something wrong with me that just can't be fixed, and I'm the only one experiencing this. Why is it happening? Because I love my husband, and this doesn't seem to be happening with anybody else that I know.”
Or maybe it is, and you are having conversations with your friends, but there's no solutions. It's just more of commiserating or you're finding out from other people that they just kind of grin and endure it. And that's definitely not something that I want you to be doing. I don't want you to be experiencing these challenges anymore.
I am going to be doing more Facebook lives and blogs in the lead up to the free class. I'm offering The Real Reason for a Lack of Desire and the 6-Step Solution to Reconnecting Again. It is something that I do about three times a year, and it's a very, very popular class. Then, after that, we start another round of the Wanting it More program. So, I thought it'd be really fun and a great way to connect with you to do some more Facebook Lives and blogs. I'm going to be doing two a week. I love if you can come and join me, and have a conversation, and ask questions live or email me. I am here to support you.
So today, I'm going to be talking about three simple changes that you can make to increase your libido. And again, the emphasis is on simple. Simple, simple, simple. Doesn't have to be crazy complicated.
So, let's just get right into it. The first simple change that you can make is to just have more pleasure in your life. And before your brain goes wild and says, "Thanks for reminding me about that, Janna, but I am busy. I've got kids. We're in the middle of a pandemic. I'm working from home. All my usual support system is gone. Financially, we're stressed."
Whatever's going on in your life, which I'm assuming multiple things are happening right now, is just like day-to-day life ... I mean, yes, we're in a really unusual and different situation right now in the world, but this is something we've been hearing for a long time and experiencing for a long time. Exhaustion, overwhelm, never crossing the stuff off our to-do list, feeling frustrated by our lack of productivity. It's just the culture that we live in right now, which is a mix of patriarchy, and white supremacy, and all sorts of crazy stuff.
The good news is, we do have control over ourselves. We do have control over how we show up in the 24 hours that we're given every single day. I feel very equipped to talk about this because I am not somebody who naturally enjoys life. I am naturally a more pessimistic person. I love to do things. I'm a doer. I like to be productive. I don't know if I'm very productive. I have perfectionist tendencies. For me to just laze around in a hammock, listening to some music, and staring up at the sky for pleasure, for even 15 minutes, is a challenge for me.
So, I'm not coming at this from a place of ease for me and you just need to do what I'm doing. No. I'm coming from a place of prioritizing my pleasure in the everyday experience has not only absolutely transformed my sex life, but it's transformed me. And do I get it right every single time? No, I do not.
Story time. We live on an island, and we have very limited shopping for furniture and clothes. So recently, we spent two whirlwind days on the mainland spending all day at IKEA and all day at the mall. Was there a lot of pleasure prioritizing my pleasure? No, but there were moments. There were moments when I woke up a little earlier than my family and asked them to pack all our bags up, and I went for a walk with my friend. There were moments in IKEA where I sat down and took a breather. There were moments when I closed my eyes and drank my drink and enjoyed the bubbly sweetness of it.
Pleasure doesn't have to be complicated
Enjoying life more, having more pleasure in your life doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't have to be something that you're just tacking on your to-do list. Something you're failing at again, like eating greens, and meditating, and moving your body, all the things we know we're supposed to be doing and we feel bad about not doing them.
This is something that you can very simply incorporate into your life. But, it's absolutely critical. There's no way you're going to be able to transition into a sexual experience when you haven't been experiencing pleasure throughout your day. It's going to be running up against a brick wall, and you're going to feel so full of anxiety. It's going to be really, really challenging.
So enjoying life more and having more pleasure in your life, whether that's something that you plan (like I did the walk for pleasure with my friend), or something you just do in the moment (like close your eyes and focus on one sense), or maybe it's something that you upgrade, (like you buy a new pair of earrings). And then every time you walk by a mirror, you're like, "Ooh. I like it." That's pleasure. That's upgrading your experience into one of pleasure.
Stop waiting to be in the mood
Number two is to stop waiting to be in the mood. Just stop. I mean, do we do this for anything else in our life? Do we really? Are we like, "I'm going to be in the mood for yoga," and the only time you ever do yoga is when you're feeling ready for it? We don't even know what “in the mood” is.
I've asked a lot of women. I'm like, "What does it mean to be in the mood? How do you know what's going to happen?" There's maybe some vulva tingling or some salivating. I don't know. I mean, we don't even know what it's like to be “in the mood”, so how can we be waiting around or feeling broken like there's something wrong with us if we're not “in the mood”? Stop doing it.
Stop doing it because you probably have a responsive desire. I can almost guarantee it. Which means that you respond. It doesn't happen first. You're not in the mood and then you want to have some sex. No. You respond to a warm touch, an accepted feeling, a safe environment, lots of time in your schedule so you can relax, a massage. You respond to something. So, you have to set something up for you to respond. So for goodness' sakes, just schedule sex. Just do it.
We have so many cultural messages around not doing this. Oh, it's not spontaneous. And what does that mean? This is so boring? Just stop waiting to be in the mood. That's a really simple change you can make.
Schedule your time together at least weekly. I call them exploration dates because I don't like the word sex, and I'm not interested in reclaiming the word sex. So, I just call it an exploration date because we're going to explore. It's what I teach in the Wanting it More program.
So number one, have more pleasure in your life. Simple, simple pleasure. Number two, stop waiting to be in the mood. Just schedule weekly times with your husband, when it's going to work best for you. I do it on the weekend mornings.
Take the Lead
The last simple change you can make is to lead your sexual experience. Just lead it. Be in control. Because if you are, then that increases safety. And the number one feeling you need to increase your libido is safety. It's not the sexy feelings. It's not even connection feelings. It's just you really need to feel safe. And the best way, the quickest way, the simplest way to make sure that this is happening, is for you to lead the experience.
You might be like, "But, I don't know what I want. How can I lead?" Let me give you a really clear example, okay? I'm going to wrap these all up into a simple thing that you can do today or tomorrow.
Number one, pick a day. Look at your schedule and think, "Yeah, this day I have the least amount of running around, the least amount of responsibilities. That day could work." Schedule an experience sometime during the day with your husband for one to two hours. Give yourself time. There’s no rushing. This is going to include talking, maybe having a shower, maybe eating some food or listening to music together, or playing Scrabble. I mean, whatever you want. Just really give yourself some time.
Leading up to it, either the night before or the morning of, be the pleasure queen. Just be a pleasure queen. Go about your day doing what you do, but do it with pleasure. Just do it with pleasure.
And make some requests. Queens made requests, right? I like to request that my husband bring me breakfast in bed. I love it. He gets to be my hero. It's a simple, clear request. And when he brings me breakfast, I make sure to do my best to love every little bite, even if I don't love every little bite. Do you get what I'm saying? No complaining. Let him do his thing. So, make some requests.
Schedule your experience. And in your experience, lead it. Have him lay on the bed. Have him close his eyes and use his body for your pleasure. Just do it. Then, let me know how it goes. Because you might have some stuff come up. And if you have some stuff come up, and you have thoughts in your head, and you struggle a little bit, yes. That's great. That's transformation. That gives you something to work on. All right?
So a recap so we keep it very simple and clear. Simple change number one: experience more pleasure. Just enjoy more pleasure. Simple, simple pleasure. Number two: stop waiting to be in the mood. Schedule experiences. Number three: lead it. Create safety for yourself. Allow yourself space to figure out what it is you like.
I hope that has been helpful. Please let me know if you have any questions about that simple strategy that I just offered. Click here to register for the masterclass that is going on now. I want to make sure that if you are interested in more, if you want to be on a live Q&A with me, if you want to see for yourself that you're not alone, (because these classes attract hundreds of women and you get to see that). You get there and think…”Where have these women been all my life? I need these friends.” I know I needed those friends. So, make sure you come to that class. It's very amazing. It's wonderful.
Let me know how this works out for you. If you did it, if you need a little accountability, send me an email. Okay. I'll talk to you very, very soon. Bye.