The Real Reason Why Women Avoid Intimacy

Janna Denton-Howes

Many women avoid all forms of intimacy with their husbands, including cuddling, kissing, and touching of any kind. They love their husband but recoil from advances and don’t understand why.

If this sounds like you, please know you are not alone and you are not at fault for feeling this way.

There is a solution that you’ve likely never considered that I’d like to share with you.

Does my story sound like yours?

I used to dodge all my husband’s advances.

When he would come in for a hug, kiss, or any sort of physical touch, it would take everything in my power to participate.

I’d make excuses or end the experience as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I’d literally dodge him, which lead to a lot of fighting. 

He felt rejected and unimportant. He didn’t understand what was going on with me and I didn’t understand either.

I felt broken and confused. I married a good man and I loved him dearly. Why didn’t I want to be close to him? Where was my passion?

I thought something must be wrong with me so I sought professional support. They did the same thing I was already doing to myself…diagnose me as the one with the “problem.”

The radical turning point (that wasn’t so radical)

I finally decided to stop listening to everyone else. Instead, I listened to myself and believed what I was feeling.

Here’s what I heard…I wasn’t feeling safe.

That feeling of wanting to run away was the classic fight, flight, or freeze response.

Many would conclude there must be past trauma causing these feelings. This mindset is yet another way women are diagnosed and blamed for what’s going on.

The women I support often tell me, “My husband thinks I don’t want him because I’ve got something in my past to deal with.”

I tried that solution too and it didn’t work. I saw therapists, investigated my past, and still avoided my husband.

The miracle cure for Intimacy!

I gave myself permission to get exactly what I needed…control over when and how my body was used in all situations.

The miracle cure for my intimacy was clear boundaries.

Once I was in control of the physical touch in our relationship, I stopped avoiding intimacy with my husband.

Now, we have more physical touches that feel delightful for both of us.

I initiate physical touch when I want it. When my husband initiates, it’s in a very specific way that I’ve told him I’m super comfortable with.

What I mean by safety.

Many get confused when I use the word ‘safe’ so let’s do a little truthful investigation.

Do you feel 100% safe in the following scenarios?

  • You get out of the shower and your husband starts ogling you
  • He slaps your butt when he passes you in the kitchen
  • You go to bed and he’s naked

You’ve probably had these uncomfortable feelings for so long that it feels normal to live with that edgy tension.

It’s not normal!

It’s common but it’s not natural to feel on guard all the time.

It’s not the state that your body should be in to keep you happy, healthy, and around your marriage for the long term.

When you work with facts, you don’t waste precious time diagnosing yourself and you solve the actual intimacy issue.

​Tell yourself the truth about Intimacy.

Acknowledge how you feel and give yourself what you need to feel safe 100% of the time.

This process of self-discovery takes time. It’s why I walk women through my program, Wanting It More, for eight weeks. It takes time to discover what it is you need to feel safe and set specific boundaries.

What’s most important is for you to know that what you’re feeling is legitimate and you can believe yourself.

Pursue the journey to give yourself what you need so that you can show up authentically in your relationship.

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