Let's talk about pleasure. Yes, I'm talking about sexual pleasure but I also often will talk about everyday pleasure. But today I'm talking about sexual pleasure. My name is Janna Denton-Howes. I'm a sex coach for married women and I want to talk about pleasure, but more specifically orgasm. Because orgasm, the ability to orgasm, the right education to learn how to orgasm, talking to other women about orgasms, all of these things are really important because there are huge numbers of women who are faking orgasms, who are not enjoying the orgasms they're having and they are not having orgasms. It's an issue and I've mentioned in other blogs that I haven't really focused on them because orgasms can also become hijacked from women and become ways that men feel good about themselves and that's not the purpose of them.
Why do I even have to say this?
So your pleasure in the sexual experience is incredibly important and valuable and it just boggles my mind that we live in a culture in which I actually have to say that. I actually have to come out and say that so clearly because it's not happening.
Furthermore, the women that I come in contact with often struggle with really only considering their husband's pleasure in the sexual experience. That's really what the whole experience revolves around and if she has an orgasm quickly, then maybe it will be part of that.
YOUR pleasure is important
So if you want to want and enjoy sex more with your husband, your pleasure, your genuine pleasure, not performance pleasure or attachment pleasure to make your husband feel good and important and a priority, not that, but genuinely feeling good in your body is so critical.
I will find that women shrug it off. They'll go for years without getting help or seeking out education. They'll go for years with painful sex. We're not even just talking about neutral feelings but on the other end of the spectrum, having negative experiences with their husbands while their husbands are experiencing pleasure. It just boggles my mind because how can that even happen in our world amongst loving individuals?
YOUR pleasure isn't natural in our culture
I find women feel stupid, kind of silly, kind of weird to have to seek out education and support for their pleasure because shouldn't it just naturally happen, right? Like a sneeze, it just happens suddenly and you feel it coming and you have a sneeze and then it's all over and it feels so natural and not forced and easy.
No. No, it's not that way. Women can get stuck in feeling broken; “There's something wrong with me and if there's something wrong with me, then why would I even try to learn how to have more satisfying orgasms or even have orgasms in the first place because I'm just broken. My body just doesn't work and so it doesn't matter what I learn or the thoughts that I uncover or the shame I overcome. It doesn't really matter because my body is kind of broken.”
Then I mentioned before that a lot of women don't even speak up. They don't even tell their partners that they are experiencing pain or discomfort or a neutral kind of blah feelings or even that they're not orgasming. Yes, happily married women will fake an orgasm and unfortunately, it's just so much easier for women to do that. It's a little bit harder for men to do that. Yes. I just said the word hard when I was talking about men's orgasms and I do that all the time. It's challenging.
I digress. Your pleasure is incredibly important in a sexual experience, not just for yourself, because I think women will be like, "Oh well, is it really that important?" Like, "Let's just get it over with. Let's just move on. I'll just whip out the vibrator or I'll just bare and endure or we'll just get it over with quickly."
Why does it matter?
Why is it even important? Why is it considered like this side dish that you may or may not have? And it's optional for the sexual experience. Now male orgasm, is male orgasm optional? Be honest with me, is it really? No, it's not optional at all.
Your pleasure is important because of physical reasons. All of that delightful, feel good hormones in your body, lowers stress, lowers cortisol. This is, when I say orgasms and your pleasure, I'm talking about real pleasure. You absolutely CAN have the physical sensation of an orgasm and it not be pleasurable because it's not engaging all of you.
I like the term soulful orgasm because, for me, that incorporates the body with the orgasm part and soulful is like the part of me that has emotions and higher feelings and that kind of thing.
Your pleasure is important, not only from a physical standpoint. I mean, we all know if you lower stress there’s less heart disease, less cancer, all sorts of wonderful things happen when you lower your stress in your body. But also your emotional health benefits. Being able to let go of the world for a little bit with your partner and enjoy a little special time together and then also moving away from that constant dialogue, the constant stream of thoughts (which are often negative), or your to-do list and focus just for a little bit. I mean, just half an hour or an hour. Just for a little bit in your life you get to shut everything away and be delighted by physical and emotional sensations.
Your relationship matters and your pleasure benefits that
But also your pleasure is important because it helps your relationship. Look, if you really want to go there, women are very concerned with everyone else's needs and that everyone is doing well. And that's the biggest challenge I have to help women overcome when it comes to wanting and enjoying sex more. It's counterintuitive, but yes that's where we start.
Any time that you're both in a unified effort towards mutual pleasure and enjoyment, everybody is going to benefit because the quality of the experience is going to go way, way higher versus you having unsatisfying orgasms or no orgasms at all.
Now I feel like I have to give a disclaimer because I'm focusing a lot on that one little aspect of sexual pleasure, but there are so many other aspects of sexual pleasure. If you followed me for any time at all, you know that I'm all about using your whole body and not feeling like that is the crux of a good experience.
In the process of learning how to have satisfying orgasms or learning to have one for the first time, you are giving yourself permission to experience pleasure and when you give yourself permission to experience pleasure, you experience it all over. So it's just a really focused way on learning about pleasure in the general sense.
Do you want to learn more?
I really hope that if you are in the place right now where you're not experiencing satisfying orgasms or you're not experiencing orgasms at all, I really hope that this blog helps you see that it's really important. It's really important for your health, from so many different aspects. It's also really important for your relationship because when equity exists in a relationship, in a marriage, then everybody benefits, everybody gets to learn and everybody gets to draw from that experience.
If you want to learn how and if you want to learn more, send me a message and I can send you books. I'm here. I'm in your corner and I'm also doing workshops. So if you want to learn from me, join The Satisfied Workshop that I'm going to be offering to help you reliably orgasm when you want to and not only have them be reliable but have them be really satisfying to your delight because I have gone through it all.
I have been anorgasmic, which means I couldn't orgasm for a period of time. I have had very unsatisfying orgasms for a very long time and then now in my life I am at the place, hallelujah, that I am experiencing very soulful orgasms and I really would love to share what I've learnt along my own personal process but also what I've watched other women do as well. So I'd love to see you there, but regardless of if you join or not, really, really listened to me. Your pleasure is so critical in this sexual experience and if it's not pleasurable, you stop and you do not continue and you only do things that are pleasurable or neutral. Neutral Is okay. Just slightly positive. That's okay. It doesn't have to be crazy pleasurable.
All right, I'll talk to you soon