We are taught so much garbage when it comes to sex, our bodies, and how it should look. Most of the work I do with the women I support is helping them unlearn the cultural messages that are not supporting them, their sex lives, their husband, or their marriage.
Here are 10 myths/beliefs that you need to unlearn about sex in order for it to be really enjoyable. They're in no particular order.
My hope is to help you see the toxic soup of culture that you're living in and how mis-educated we all are about women's bodies, pleasure and sex. Here we go!
#1: I should enjoy oral sex.
No, you do not!
I thought for years that all sexy, confident, empowered women like oral sex.
I bought books to help my husband learn how to perform oral sex properly, then was so frustrated that I didn't work and there must be something wrong with me.
Anytime you feel like you "should" like a certain act, remember that will actually block you from your pleasure.
#2: I should love my husband's body (including his penis).
Let's be honest, penises are weird looking!
While my husband and I (and his penis) are good friends, I don't love every inch of my husband's body.
It isn't that he is so attractive and that is what pulls me in and makes me quiver with delight and desire.
No! I cultivate my own pleasure.
You don't have to find your husband's body or his penis attractive at all.
# 3: Sex should be spontaneous to be hot.
Nope again, not at all.
You probably have responsive desire, which about 30% of women have. This means that your desire is first cultivated within a safe and comfortable environment that your body then responds to.
You don't go about your business and suddenly want some sex (spontaneous desire, which most men have).
I'm sorry the media and our culture have totally misinformed you about how your body works.
Scheduling sex is the best solution for many women with responsive desire.
#4: We are responsible for each other's orgasms.
Actually, you are responsible for your body and your husband is responsible for his body.
If he gets an erection and gets aroused, you do not have to do anything about it. That is his body to take care of.
Same for you...your body, your orgasm, your communication, your boundaries, your learning about how your system works.
#5: Sex = intercourse.
Sex is not penis-in-vagina.
Sex is about pleasure , connection, exploration of the senses, relaxation, and nourishment.
If there are any goals, including penetration, then your pleasure will go downhill.
Sex does not equal intercourse.
#6: Genitals need to be involved.
Touching of genitals, oral pleasure with genitals, genitals touching each other, do not have to be involved for a wonderful, delightful, pleasurable, connective experience with your partner.
Our minds are amazing, our breathing is hypnotizing, our other senses are incredible.
Give yourself the opportunity to explore outside of the narrowly defined cultural box we have been put in.
#7: Vaginal orgasms are better.
Lots of women enjoy clitoral stimulation and the enjoyable part of the organ is on the outside of the body.
Yes, you can enjoy lots of fun, internal exploration but vaginal orgasms aren't better.
When I survey women, I hear them say again and again, "I just want to learn how to have internal orgasms and move away from clitoral orgasms."
Asking a woman to have orgasms all the time with just internal simulation is like asking a guy to have orgasms with his testicles being rubbed.
Do you see how absolutely ridiculous the notion is?
Let's unlearn this crazy cultural message.
#8: I shouldn't need lube.
Nobody "needs" lube, unless you have a medical condition.
Lube is straight-up delightful and makes all touch feel better.
I'm not talking about the sticky, gross, chemical-laden jelly from the drugstore. I'm talking about natural oils, shea butter, or something yummy and organic and wonderful.
I wouldn't ask you to rub any other sensitive part of your body without some sort of slipperiness. It's not a need like it's a deficiency of yours.
It's more like why wouldn't you use lube? Would you give somebody a massage without massage oil?
It's not about needing it or not needing it or feeling like there's something wrong with you. I just think it's stupid not to use it.
#9: You need to increase excitement and arousal.
We're taught a specific formula about sex.
First, I'm super turned on (spontaneous desire). Next, I see him walk in the room and I just want to rip off his clothes (attraction to my husband's body). Then we go through a doorway (there's always a doorway), we land on the bed, and we continue to rip each other's clothes off. We're huffing and puffing. We're sweating. There's frantic activity.
You don't have to do it that way!
Sex can actually be higher and higher levels of relaxation, calmness, breathing, and meditation.
For me personally, those are the best sexual experiences I have.
A lot of time, especially for women, it's about relaxation, self-care, nourishment, and cultivating a genuine connection with ourselves and our partners.
#10: I need to be sexy.
I need to sound sexy, so I moan and use dirty talk the way I think I should.
I need to look sexy, so I twist my body into certain sexy positions.
I need to wear sexy things, so I put on uncomfortable lingerie.
No you don't! You're a human being who's allowed to show up with your thoughts and your body as it is.
You get to be fully you in the sexual experience, with your worries, concerns, depressive thoughts, quirks, your skin condition, and whatever else you're bringing in.
You don't have to perform because sex is about pleasure and connection.
I hope these 10 beliefs to unlearn help expand your understanding of what's possible for you, your husband, and your marriage in the sexual experience. Click here to learn more about my Wanting It More program.