Unsure what you want in the bedroom? Here are 3 reasons why.


unsure what you want in the bedroom

Women often tell me, “I’m married to a great, understanding guy who wants to please me in the bedroom, but I don’t know what I want.”

I have three reasons why this happens to so many women, plus ​I share some tips on what to do.

#1: ​You’ve never had the opportunity to ​learn what you really want.

​We’re shown again and again in our culture that men are responsible for our sexual pleasure and know our bodies better than we do. ​Women have been ​conditioned to think that asking for what ​they want is almost an unacceptable question.​It could be that in your relationship, ​the focus has largely been on your husband and his pleasure. You’ve never ​had the opportunity to ask, “What do I want?” from a real, authentic place. 

#2: ​​You think the things you do like aren’t enough.

​Women feel pressure to run everything ​they like though a litmus test o​f how sexually exciting ​it is. ​There is pressure to fit ​our sexual encounters into a narrowly-defined box of acceptable sexual acts, which a lot of women just don’t enjoy.​You have permission to widen ​the box! ​Make a list of things that you really do enjoy. Your list can include ​anything to do with your body, your senses, and your husband’s body.For example, I like to be squeezed tightly. I like to have a still hand on my lower back. I like to breathe deeply. I love it when my husband ​says reassuring words ​or words of appreciation. I love looking at my husband’s calf muscles. I love being wrapped in a hug but not a tight squeeze. I like to rub my husband’s hair when it’s just been cut​. I like cheek kisses​, forehead kisses, and kisses on my shoulder, but not necessarily mouth kisses.There’s so much available to you, but if you feel like it has to meet a certain expectation or pass a certain test, then you’re going to end up saying “I don’t know what I want.”You do know what you want! You just don’t think that it’s sexual enough or acceptable enough.

# 3: ​You think other’s needs matter more tha​n your own.

​W​omen receive so many cultural messages that mess with our heads. We’re supposed to be quiet and ladylike, and say things like, “oh no, you go first” or “I’m fine. I don’t want anything.”Even the word pleasure has been ​defiled in our culture because it’s connected to female sexual pleasure.These cultural messages tell us that ​our need to feel good is not as important as our partner’s need. ​Therefore, we should put all of our resources and energ​y into helping the men that we’re with feel good. We should even have orgasms so that ​our partner feels ​better about being ​with us!For so many years, I thought what I really wanted was unacceptable. I thought I was asexual​, numb​, and couldn’t experience pleasure. Turns out, I am excellent at finding pleasure, but not when I’m not allowed to have the kind of pleasure that actually ​gives me pleasure.​I encourage you to make a list of the things that you actually enjoy, no matter how big or small they are.My list includes things like:

  • I like when my husband puts his hands on me in a very casual way. I don’t like him gripping my legs or my body. I don’t like his fingers running over me. I love the warmth and stillness of his hand. That makes me feel really safe and comfortable.
  • I like to hug my husband, but he’s six feet I’m 5’3″ and so I want him down low on my level.
  • I don’t really like mouth kissing, but when I do I initiate. I want his mouth to be relaxed and I ​like to run my mouth and lips over his mouth and lips.

​My challenge for you.

​If you are saying, “I don’t know what I want?”​, I challenge you to ask yourself…is it really that you don’t know what you want or are ​the​se​ barriers coming up and underneath you do know what you want.What I’ve found ​through supporting over a thousand women in Wanting It More​ is that it’s usually the latter. ​Women know what they want. They​’re just worried ​and feeling pressure that ​what they want is unacceptable​ in the sexual realm.

Click here to learn more about my Wanting It More program.

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