Unsure what you want in the bedroom? - Wanting It More - Janna Denton Howes

Unsure what you want in the bedroom?

unsure what you want in the bedroom

Women often tell me, “I’m married to a great, understanding guy who wants to please me in the bedroom, but I don’t know what I want.”

I have three reasons why this happens to so many women.

#1: ​You’ve never had the opportunity to ​learn what you really want.

Culture reminds us time and again that men are responsible for our sexual pleasure and know our bodies better than we do. ​It’s conditioned Women to think that asking for what ​they want in the bedroom is almost an unacceptable question. ​It could be that, in your relationship, ​the focus has largely been on your husband and his pleasure. You’ve never ​had the opportunity to ask, “What do I want?” from a real, authentic place.

#2: ​​You think the things you do like in the bedroom aren’t enough.

​Women feel pressure to run everything ​they like through a litmus test of how sexually exciting ​it is. ​There is pressure to fit ​our sexual encounters into a narrowly-defined box of acceptable sexual acts, which a lot of women just don’t enjoy.​

You have permission to widen ​the box!

Make a list of things that you really do enjoy. Your list can include ​anything to do with your body, your senses, and your husband’s body. For example, I like it when someone squeezes me tightly. I like to have a still hand on my lower back. To breathe deeply. And I love it when my husband ​says reassuring words ​or words of appreciation.

I also love looking at my husband’s calf muscles, or to rub my husband’s hair when it’s just been cut. I like cheek kisses, forehead kisses, and kisses on my shoulder, but not necessarily mouth kisses. There’s so much available to you, but if you feel like it has to meet a certain expectation or pass a certain test, then you’re going to end up saying “I don’t know what I want.”You do know what you want! You just don’t think that it’s sexual enough or acceptable enough.

# 3: ​You think others’ needs in the bedroom matter more than your own.

​Women receive so many cultural messages that mess with our heads. We’re supposed to be quiet and ladylike and say things like, “oh no, you go first” or “I’m fine. I don’t want anything.”Even the word pleasure has been ​defiled in our culture because it’s connected to female sexual pleasure. These cultural messages tell us that ​our need to feel good is not as important as our partner’s needs. ​Therefore, we should put all of our resources and energy into helping the men that we’re with feel good. We should even have orgasms so that ​our partner feels ​better about being ​with us!

For so many years, I thought what I really wanted in the bedroom was unacceptable. I thought I was asexual, numb, and couldn’t experience sexual pleasure. Turns out, I am excellent at finding pleasure- just not when it’s forbidden to have the kind of pleasure that actually ​gives me pleasure. ​I encourage you to make a list of the things that you actually enjoy, no matter how big or small they are. My list includes things like:

  • I like when my husband puts his hands on me in a very casual way. I don’t like him gripping my legs or my body. I don’t like his fingers running over me. I love the warmth and stillness of his hand. That makes me feel really safe and comfortable.
  • I like to hug my husband, but he’s six feet I’m 5’3″. Therefore, I want him down low on my level.
  • I don’t really like mouth kissing, but when I do I initiate. I want his mouth to be relaxed and I ​like to run my mouth and lips over his mouth and lips.

​My challenge for you.

​If you are saying, “I don’t know what I want?”, I challenge you to ask yourself…is it really that you don’t know what you want in the bedroom, or are ​these​ barriers coming up, and underneath you do know what you want.

What I’ve found ​through supporting over a thousand women in Wanting It More​ is that it’s usually the latter. ​Women know what they want. They’re just worried ​and feeling the pressure that ​what they want is unacceptable​ in the sexual realm.

Click here to learn more about my Wanting It More program.

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