I really believe that so much of the struggle that couples are dealing with when it comes to sex is trying to emulate “movie sex” rather than going for the real sex. My intention with this post is to help you focus on what really matters, not what you think should matter, and start to look forward to it. Before I do that, I want to introduce myself. My name is Janna Denton Howes. I am a marriage coach, and my specialty is sexuality, and helping women with low libido look gorgeous again, or for the first time. I am the creator of a program called 30 Days to Wanting it More.

Let’s get right to it, shall we?

I did some research before writing this because I wanted to see what other people are talking about when it comes to movie sex versus real sex. Well… first of all, I know what you’re thinking. I was really brave for typing that in the YouTube search bar. Nothing too crazy showed up, but what I noticed, is that there is a really detrimental underlying message in some of these funny skits about movie sex versus real sex.

Let me be a little bit clearer; at first, it’s kind of funny on the surface. It goes something like… movie sex is perfect, and everything’s great. You’re all slammed up against the wall and everyone’s ripping off clothes, and it’s so spontaneous and awesome and hot and great. Then they go to the real sex scene, and you’re tripping over your clothes, or the phone’s ringing, or the kid’s knocking on the door, or things are just generally awkward.

It’s funny to a certain extent, but the underlying message is that movie sex is better than real sex. I think we just need to ditch that message, because the idea that movie sex is exciting, and real sex is boring, or movie sex is really perfect, and real sex is awkward and messy… that’s just not very helpful.

Let’s dig a little bit deeper here.

I don’t want the underlying message of what I’m saying to be that we should be striving for movie sex, because movie sex has a different goal than real sex. Movie sex is about production and about performance. It’s all about what it looks like. Hey, let’s not forget, they’ve got teams of people. Lighting, makeup, digital effects. There are whole crews supporting that production, and it’s all about what it looks like. Real sex, on the other hand, is about pleasure. That’s the goal, so it’s not at all what it looks like. It’s what it feels like, that’s important.

Furthermore, movie sex is male-centered. When they film it, they are asking questions like, what does it look like for the male eye? What do they like to see? Which is usually a lot of women in positions that are pleasing for the eye, but for real sex… not a chance. I firmly believe (and I might have some people who disagree with me, but I’ve seen tremendous success) that when sex is focused on female pleasure, and you have the goal of getting the woman really in her pleasure, and really enjoying it, and she’s kind of leading the experience, I believe the men are the perfect responders.

Not only their emotional makeup but also their physical makeup is so perfect for that. Again, I’ve seen tremendous, tremendous change happen when you just make that little shift. That’s just one tiny bit of the material that I cover in 30 Days to Wanting It More. There are things we are doing unconsciously right now when it comes to sexuality, and this is the biggest one I see. We are focusing way too much on how it looks, rather than how it feels.

This is especially true for women.

We’re feeling like we have to wear lingerie, or we have to put our body in certain positions, or we have to be a certain weight to enjoy sex, or we have to have this certain perfect environment. We have to shave our legs. We make so much stuff up, and then when we’re actually being intimate with our husband, we end up in our own head- even thinking about how we sound! It’s based on performance, rather than based on feeling.

If any of this piques your curiosity, and if you’d like to learn about how you would become the leader of the sexual experience, how you would talk to your husband about it, and make those changes, how you would start to clear your brain of all that garbage that the media is telling us about sex, then I’d really invite you to join 30 Days to Wanting It More. We’re starting a live round on April 9th, and I would love to have you join us!

The program is about much more than just sexuality.

That’s the starting place, but the end result is so much more equality in your marriage. It helps you become more assertive, it helps you understand the female makeup, and also understand men a little bit more, and how you can become complimentary with your husband and not just butt heads with your expectations. Of course, we also get rid of all that “pressure” to have sex. I hope you do join us, and in the meantime, keep your eyes wide open to what you’re consuming in the media, and make a different choice. Instead of focusing on what it looks like, I really would love you to focus on how it feels!