I think the majority of us have all been there. It’s been a while. You’ve had a dry spell and you’re feeling kind of awkward and nervous about getting into it. Here’s why I think it’s so challenging for us after some time. And I am like the queen of dry spells, believe me. I went for two periods of a year long in my marriage and lots of periods of months at a time of dry spells. So I know what it’s like and it’s super hard getting back in the saddle. Here’s why it’s awkward and hard.
You already probably know this, but I don’t want you to feel alone. Initiating. Who is supposed to make the first move here? If it’s been some time, do you talk about the fact that it’s been some time? Maybe your husband has been really upset about it and you don’t really want to rock the boat. Or you are maybe feeling bad about yourself that your body doesn’t work properly, which it works just fine, let me tell you.
You might have some nerves about expectations or performance. Or even just awkwardness about your body being naked and seeing his body naked, and then sharing what you like or you don’t like. Or maybe when you ended or started your dry spell you had a bad experience or you guys fought about it. It’s just hard. And you don’t know what to do.
Let me help you out here. The solutions are simple and easy, and that’s what I want you to see this as. This is not a big deal. You’ve probably made it up to be a bigger deal in your mind than it is and you can ease in. You don’t have to have something crazy and hot the first time. Not that you need to have something crazy and hot anytime, because don’t even get me on that rant.
First thing, prepare your mind. The first thing you can do is read a good book about it. Okay? A good book, I’m not talking about like erotica or romance novel or something. I’m talking about books like “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s all about science and how women’s bodies work. It will help you feel relief. You’ll feel normal, you’ll laugh, you’ll feel part of this really cool worldwide network of women who are just struggling with the same stuff.
Another one is “Better Sex Through Mindfulness”. But definitely “Come As You Are” should be mandatory reading for everyone. Everyone who I recommend reading it really enjoys it. It just gets you into the right frame of mind. And that right frame of mind is that sex is good for you. I know that it often seems like a need that you provide for your husband. Or you think, “oh, it’s good for our marriage. It’s been so long. We have to do it”. But how does it actually benefit you? How can you create an experience that will benefit you?
Then schedule a time and let your husband know. You can say something like, “It’s been awhile. I miss connecting with you. Let’s just chill out together in bed without screens and without kids. And it probably won’t lead to anything super intense. I just think it would be nice for us to chill out together and spend a little time talking and connecting.”
Then step two is prepare your body. Prioritize your pleasure during that day. What are some things you can do that would enhance your daily activities, but just make them way more enjoyable? A nice cup of tea in the morning, maybe a nice five minutes out in fresh air, breathing. Maybe that’s feeling some sun on your skin, if that’s available to you in your part of the world. Maybe that is having a bath or … I don’t know, there are a million things that you can do to really enhance your everyday experience. You don’t have to spend a ton of time or spend a lot of money. Okay?
Another thing is use lube, please. All women should always use lube when they’re having sex. Just always. I have a friend who makes intimate moisturizing cream. It’s all natural with coconut oil and shea butter as the ingredients. Just really good. Any sort of oil will work. Even olive oil. The intimate moisturizer does have some nice essential oils in it, but you don’t need that fancy stuff. Plain coconut oil will work. Just to use it and use it not because there’s anything wrong with you. But just because it’s good for your body. It’s a nice way to just feel good and to ease into the experience.
Then just keep it light. It doesn’t have to be so hot and steamy and fancy pantsy. It can just be easy. You can just talk. There is no major barrier between who you are at work, and as a mom, and as a friend, or mowing your lawn and you as a sexual person. You are a whole being. Your relationship doesn’t have to be divided up into sections. Like now we’re going to talk about the kids, and now we’re going to do housework, and now we’re going to be friends.
You can bring conversation and connection and who you are into the bedroom. You don’t have to perform or be somebody that you aren’t. Talk about your day.
Sometimes if you are feeling really nervous and anxious, a slight distraction is kind of nice. I definitely struggled with that anxiety for so many years in my life. I know I said earlier, no screens, but sometimes you just need a little extra something and you’re allowed anything you need.
If that’s listening to your favorite podcast in your ear buds while you’re connecting with your husband, go for it. Anything that you need. If that’s nice, relaxing music that you both listen to, super cool. If you need to feel warm and snugly, and have a heat pack next to you, go for that. Anything that you need, you get it.
Then the last tip is just have him lay down, chill out, relax, and just touch his body for your pleasure. You don’t have to worry about if he’s liking it or if it’s intense enough or whatever. Just ease into an experience together because it doesn’t have to be so serious. You can enjoy small little bits. Then if they’re scheduled weekly, those become the intimacy heartbeat in your relationship.
Good luck with overcoming this awkward dry spell that a lot of us face.