Today I’m going to be talking about why some women aren’t completely honest with their husbands about how they’re feeling about their sexual experience or how much they want it. That is always a big surprise to me and I think a lot of other women in my program, “30 Days to Wanting it More“. Some women come into it and they say, “You know, I really haven’t wanted sex for a very long time or enjoyed it very much, but my husband has no idea. In fact, we have sex quite frequently, and he has no idea.” And so then, actually joining the program is a big step, because they not only have to make that financial investment, that time, get through the barriers of shame about buying something about sex, but they also have to tell their husbands that they don’t really enjoy it very much. That can be really scary, and the husbands can kind of feel like they were tricked. It can be a really challenging situation for a couple to go through.

So, why does this happen?

I think a lot of us are really confused. I can only imagine that it happens because women feel a lot of pressure to want sex. Our culture is very weird when it comes to libido and sex drive. I mean, a healthy person should want sex, because even the term “drive” refers to things that are having to do with health: the drive to eat, and the drive to sleep. If you weren’t wanting to eat or weren’t wanting to sleep, you would be rushed to the hospital pretty quick. And so, if you have a low sex drive, there is this feeling of, “There’s something wrong with me. This isn’t normal. I’m broken. And so if that’s the case, I’d better just push on, keep on keeping on and just do it for the sake of my marriage. And maybe also, that this is kind of everyone’s experience, that most women don’t enjoy it, and that’s just life. You know, that’s just the way it is.” So, I think those are probably the two main reasons. Also, kind of related, is that women are feeling guilty about not wanting sex. They want to be a good wife, and they don’t want to do anything to hurt the marriage. There’s a lot of pressure and expectation there.

What I wanted to talk about today was that this isn’t okay.

First off, it’s not the women’s fault. We can’t blame women for wanting to keep their marriage together and really trying to do their best. The fear of abandonment is real, and I think a lot of women go there. “If my husband is living in a sexless marriage, or if I somehow allude to the fact that he is not doing something to please me, then he is going to leave me.” I know some people will think that’s completely ridiculous, but I think a lot of women have that fear deep down inside, you know? Just like men have a deep down fear of failure, that they are imposters, kind of walking through life as a big job interview and they’re not going to pass the test (just FYI, that’s a little male brain nugget there for you).

So, what do I think women should be doing instead, or how can we do this?

Because women continuing on to not enjoy sex, not wanting it, but forcing themselves to do it for all these other reasons is not only detrimental to their mental health (I mean… that’s crazy), it’s detrimental to their husbands, because it’s not fair. They don’t have the complete picture. And it’s also detrimental to their marriage because at some point, you can’t do it anymore and something breaks. And unfortunately, when that breaks, it’s so far gone because the woman then feels kind of like she’s been with a perpetrator the whole time, right? So, I really hope that if you’re reading this and this has been your struggle, or your friend has confided in you about this, I really hope that you know, and spread the message that this is not okay, and it’s very detrimental to your sexuality to not tell the truth to your husband. I know it’s hard and I know it’s scary and I know there’s a lot of fears around it, but I just want you to really think, “Can I continue this for 5, 10, 20 years?”

There is another way to enjoy sex, to want it more.

But it’s in a way that feels empowering and safe and comforting and nurturing, and in a way that really helps you have sex. You’ll look forward to it. And most of the time for women, that means it’s a lot slower, a lot calmer, and there is some talking involved. Because women feel connected through talk and doing things together, and men feel connected through touch. I mean, this is a gender generalization here, so proceed with caution, but for the most part, that’s it. And so why can’t you talk and touch at the same time? Kill two birds with one stone, and you both feel connected. I think the time is over in which we can only have sex in the very prescribed and toxic way that we see happening in media. It’s not the way that fulfilling sex works, especially not for women. So, if any of this interests you, and you’re like, “Yes, I want to want it.” Or, “Yes, I want it, but I haven’t been very honest with my husband about my experience, and I want to change that. I see the benefit, and I know I can’t continue this for the rest of my life.” I really encourage you to check out “30 Days to Wanting it More“, my program. We are going to do a live round on September 24th, which means that I will be in the Facebook group more, my husband and I will do Q & A’s and there will be live group discussions.

It’s not what you think it is.

It’s not whips and chains or anything kinky- just real women. Like honestly, I can list some of the conversations we have. They include hairy boobs, clean-up, and all the goopy mess. Then, there are awkward dismounts, kids interrupting you, and all sorts of real things. We just have so much fun in there. It’s just real women like you and me who want to create better marriages. And I am very respectful of men, and we have absolutely no male-bashing. And that’s just one part of the program. The rest of it is video-based. I take you step-by-step through the methodology that has worked for hundreds of women so far. And even though it can be really hard to tell your husband, “Hey FYI, things haven’t been so great as you thought they were,” it’s worth it. You are worth it. I will see you there, and I will talk to you next week.