Have you ever talked to your mom about sex? That is the question we are going to be exploring today, because I have had a profound experience doing just that!
Just me asking you that question has probably created some feelings in you. There will be some of you who are thinking, “Yeah, no problem. We talk about everything,” but I’m thinking that’s probably like 5% of the population.
Other people, like myself, are feeling uncomfortable, and awkward and… squirmy
. Just, “Ugh, no way. I would never do that.” In the Facebook group that’s associated with “30 Days To Wanting It More
“, someone asked, “Would you ever invite your mom to join this program or this group? Would you ever tell them that you’re doing it? Would you ever talk about the stuff you’re talking about in this group with your mom?” The majority of the women were like, “NO WAY. I would never
So… why is that? We can talk to our moms and our friends about grocery shopping, and cleaning clothes, and career decisions, and parenting choices. Why is it that sex that causes us to feel so uncomfortable?
The Culture of Secrecy and Shame
I think we just can’t be frogs in boiling water anymore, because the risk of remaining so secretive about such a natural and important thing of marriage is really harming our culture a lot. I see that again and again in the work I do with couples, and supporting my participants in my program. The fact that we have to remain hidden, and quiet, and not talk about natural processes of life is really, really harmful.
We just need to acknowledge that we live in a really shame-based culture when it comes to sexuality, but yet it’s all around us. For example, you might have had the experience of watching a movie with your parents, and a sex scene comes on. Maybe not full on, but they’re kissing and making out, and you’re sitting right next to your mom
Your parents have had sex before. I mean… you exist
probably had sex before, if you’re here, because I support married women. Yet, you’re sitting there in this uncomfortable experience watching stuff happen, but yet never opening up to each other about the realities of life. It just seems ridiculous to me.
I have had the blessing of this kind of happening not so much out of my own will, but just the fact that my mom and I are pretty close, and this is my profession. It would have been really awkward to never talk about what I actually do. I am so grateful for this, because it has deepened our friendship so much. My mom is open, but she never really talked to me very much about sex growing up. She kind of had the pop-up books and stuff, and would call it a vulva, which I appreciate now. Back then, I was like, “Ew, don’t use that word.” Now I appreciate that she used the correct term, but that’s kind of where it stopped.
We didn’t talk about orgasms, or clitorises, or how to enjoy sex, or getting in the mood, or how frequent, or anything like that, until really I stepped into this realm of supporting women. Obviously, I’m very open. I’m talking about this to the world wide web right now, but I in the beginning my mom and I kind of skirted around the fact that this was what I did.
Then, there was a really cool moment.
We were in my old office, and she was sitting on the bed. I was kind of talking about some frustrations I had, or what some women in the group were saying. I was like, “Ugh, the media, the media’s causing so many problems for women.” Kind of ranting, but then I realized I was talking around the issue without coming out and saying anything.
I turned to her in such an awkward way, and I was like, “What’s your favourite position?” It was super awkward, of course, but I was like, “I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to step out. If I’m telling people we’ve got to be more open, I’ve got to be more open myself.” She kind of explained, but not using any terms. I said, “Oh my gosh, that’s mine too!” well, it was. Things have changed for me, but for so long, it was mine too… and it’s sort of a non-traditional position.
Suddenly, I felt so much relief.
We’re just talking about bodies here. We’re just talking about biology. It would make sense that my mom and I would function similarly. I mean our body types are similar. I get personality traits from her. Why wouldn’t this be the case too? How much I had been missing out on not talking to her because I’d been feeling kind of weird and shameful because this wasn’t the traditional missionary position, or whatever you want to call it?
I was like, “This is crazy. How many years have gone by where I could have been talking frankly and openly with her, and getting some really great wisdom?” I mean she’s in her 60s. I love women in their 60s. I was missing out on that.
She told me later, “I tried to kind of bring things up around sex when you were younger, a teenager, but you seemed to be uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do.” No one really knows what to do. That’s the challenge. No one wants to make the first step. No one wants to seem like the weirdo who’s talking about sex, because we live in this culture that’s so weird about it. We don’t talk, we don’t explain, we don’t use the terms, and we talk about it vaguely, like, “Everyone needs a little loving once in a while.” But, actually getting down to the nitty gritty… it’s just bodies
I’m learning so much right now. My girls are nine and ten, and I’ll do another video about talking to my girls about sex, but I’m learning so much about how it really is just bodies, that’s it. It’s like an ear, a nose, a vulva. There’s no difference.
Time For Change
I really think that we need to change our culture, and I think it truly starts with groups of women. If groups of women, with multiple generations in them, can be really frank and open about body functioning, desires, and changing hormones over time, I think so many issues can be avoided.
I think negative sexual experiences can be avoided. I think that the challenges that I deal with and help women and couples through, a lot of them would be avoided if women had this nice secure network of other women they could turn to. Men need it too, but I’m just focusing on women right now.
I think, oh my gosh, how much more pleasure, and joy, and happiness, and connection, and unity, and all of that stuff could be happening in marriages!
This is my challenge to you. Start talking. Wherever you are on the path, however, you feel comfortable, whether that’s with your mom, or with your friend, your sister, or your children… let’s start having frank and open conversations. Seeing the value that this can have on our world, not only our personal lives but really transforming society.
You guys, it’s just biology.
It’s no big deal, just like talking about the weather. All those made-up stories about shame and all that- that’s just all made-up garbage. It’s not supporting marriages, and it’s not supporting you.
Here’s another example of how amazing it is to open up. As some of you know, I’ve been doing a lot of podcast interviews. My mother has been saying, “I want to listen to them.” I’ve told her, “Okay, go for it, but I’m very open about everything.”
She just listened to one of my podcasts
for the first time. Then, she sent me this text the other day. She said, “I just listened to your podcast. Wow, I am so proud of you. Many times during the interview I thought, ‘I want to sign up.'” I was talking about my program, “The synergy between you and the host was great. Well done, you’re going to have a great career as a public speaker.”
You guys. I talk about sex
, and my mom sent me that text. I also have still kept my maiden name, so she still has my last name. I’m like, “You probably want me to change my last name.” She’s amazing. Now, this relationship has developed over time. It wasn’t like this in the beginning. You might be thinking, “You just have that mom that’s open.” No, it wasn’t like that for years
. That’s my challenge to you… start opening up.
Questions About the Program?
If you are looking for a community of women who you can speak to about body functions and relationship stuff. Not just a community of women you can speak to, but a community of women who will support your marriage, then I highly encourage you to join our live Q&A call about 30 Days To Wanting It More.
It’s happening this Friday the 14th, at 10:00 AM Pacific Standard Time. I’ve invited some of the more senior, more veteran mentors, whatever you want to call them, women from 30 Days To Wanting It More, to share their stories and to answer your questions. I just want you to have a taste of what it’s like to be with a group of women like this. I’ll talk to you guys soon.