I hear from so many women that they don’t know what they want in bed with their husbands. Their husbands are asking, “Tell me what you want. What should we do next?” But there’s a lot of panic, anxiety, and stress in figuring out how to “make it work.”

I have three simple but profound steps to help you figure out what you want and desire in the bedroom so let’s figure this out together!

Thankfully, I know exactly how you feel if you’re in this situation because I was in the same situation for years. I would feel a lot of stress and concern about the next time I was going to have sex with my husband because I wasn’t sure if I was able to achieve the type of tingly arousal feelings that I was searching for.

My husband would ask, “What do you want? Let’s do what you want.” And in my head I was yelling, “I don’t know what I want!” I wished I just knew and could make my body respond, but instead I would lay there thinking “Oh man, I don’t know what to do next.”

Step 1: Focus on prioritizing your pleasure over arousal

We are taught sex is a mountain and that you have to huff and puff your way straight to the pinnacle, and then it’s over.

That’s not the way good sex works. There’s too much stress and pressure to make sure that your whole body is working perfectly and that every step is taking you higher and higher toward your goal.

What if your goal was to just enjoy yourself?

What if your goal wasn’t to try to make your body work, but simply enjoy the body that you have and enjoy the sensations in the moment.

Step 2: Allow for breaks

It’s natural to have breaks. It’s natural to have times where your sensations go down, the feeling of pleasure kind of plateaus, or even disappears altogether.

At that moment, don’t panic. It’s okay. This is normal. It is natural to have starts and stops and ebbs and flows.

In those moments, rest and reset. Take some deep breaths. There is no rush to get anywhere. Slow down and refocus on your pleasure.

Step 3: Lead the experience

There are a lot of cultural stories and narratives around women leading the sexual experience that make it seem trashy or slutty. I get it. We’re not supposed to be too much of anything as women. Don’t be too sexual, but don’t be not sexual enough.

Don’t be too forward but speak your mind. We have all of these dichotomies and pressures that we experience as women. Leading the experience may feel a little bit intimidating. You may feel icky about it and not know why. Again, it’s the cultural narrative that you live in that has taught you to believe your partner is supposed to know what to do to make you feel good.

The beautiful thing about leading the experience is that you’re not waiting for your husband to try things and see if they work right.

Does this fumbling around sound familiar?

• Touch your breasts. Does that work? No.
• Let’s go for your clitoris. Does that work? Still no.
• Ok, let’s touch your bum. Does that work? Definitely no!!

<p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>It’s really difficult to have this story play on and on again in your head of: nothing works, my body is broken, nothing’s going to ever feel good and I’m never going to get there (wherever there is).

I encourage you to take charge of your own pleasure!

<p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>Remember, it’s pleasure you are focusing on, which is simply the sensations in your body. Stop worrying about arousal, which is the tingly sensations in your vulva. Focusing on arousal brings so much pressure into your experience! Your body doesn’t want any of that pressure; it will shut down and then you’ll end up feeling like, “I don’t know what I want.” <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>Your intention and your goal of the experiences is really important. <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>

If you focus on pleasure, allow for breaks, and lead the experience, you will find that you’re actually a very sophisticated sexual woman, that you have lots of likes and dislikes, and that you have the ability to create  your own unique flavor of intimacy that works perfectly for you. <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>You are an ever-evolving, ever-changing, ever-delightful human being just as you are. <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>I would love to hear from you. If you feel comfortable, comment below or you can send me an email to janna@jannadentonhowes.com. <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>​I’m in your corner. <p “=”” dir=”ltr” tve-droppable”=””>Janna